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Question about in laws visiting

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Shaffiabel, May 24, 2011.

  1. rms1

    rms1 New IL'ite

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    Well Said Pushpita, I too have the same feelings :thumbsup:cheers


    100% Agreed with Soumedh :yes::iagree
     
  2. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    I have stated this long time ago in IL, recently JAG stated it as well, ok we can repeat it:

    You cant ask for Eastern Parenting when you grow up and while you are in University etc, and then switch to Western Parenting (elders) just because you are now suddenly in Amreeekaa and well settled here.


    Eastern Parenting as kids, then its your Eastern Parents who will be there when you are adults.
    Go with one.

    Not saying all Eastern parents want extended stay with DS or DD. But there is something called a dynamic in which one grew up.

    And why does thread title say "In-laws visiting" -It should be your parents or inlaws - as someone suggested.
     
  3. rms1

    rms1 New IL'ite

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    Well Said spiderman, :thumbsup
    Right, if one got advantage of eastern parenting and want to follow western style of family then that is not fair, If the new generation has now changed thr mindset and like western style of parenting and lifestyle then they should implement with their kids and coming generation and not impose on parents and inlaws, (however abuse and too much bothering has nothing to do with eastern or western, in this case one can surely oppose thier over stay. But if this is not the case and its just about adjustment then one should not have problem in adjusting, afterall relation is all about trust, tolerance and adjustment.)

    You know what I worked at Student visa consultancy as counsellor for 3 years and I have personally seen so many Indian parents were spending their hard earned money, savings for fulfilling their children's dream of studying abroad. Some parents even taking students loan to send their children to study abroad. And how much hard life is in India esp. for common man and middle class and when such parents dont care abt their own future and care abt children's dreams and aspirations, to build their bright future and career, spend hard earned savings/money/take loan abt 20-25 lacs or even more for their higher education and marriage, and when after going abroad and getting settled when son-DIL think like this then its really unfair. You know those parents who send their child to study abroad knows very well that the son/dd will almost settle there and less chances of coming back. They have already accepted it. And now when the same child for whom parents did this much get settled abroad and married there and now they (child or their spouse) are not even comfortable with their bit long trips then think how they feel?

    If those parents had asked their children to move out after they turned 18 and haven't funded their higher education or marriage I am asking where would that people today without parents' support. And I would also like to ask some ladies who married a highly educated man or settled abroad, would you have chosen to marry a man who is at struggling phase in India and don't hold any foreign university degree?

    And why does thread title say "In-laws visiting" -It should be your parents or inlaws - as someone suggested

    Yes I was the one who suggested that in previous post because that is what I felt, Why only mentioned In-laws why not parents? Rules should be same for both parents and In-laws.

    Nowadays Indians youth are blindly following western culture, We know there are many negativity of Indian culture, but I believe in opting only positives of western culture and also respecting traditional positive Indian values. Instead of blindly following any culture their should be moderation that only adopting positives of both culture by all the generations. Self-centerdness, lack of sex ethics and too much obsession for privacy and freedom are some of the negatives of western culture.
    Even after having so much freedom, privacy, material possession, facilities and nuclear family with zero responsibility and interference of in-laws why the divorce rate is highest in western culture?


    I feel how much privacy one want, even if you are living in joint family with in-laws but if they are not intruding you and you hv your seperate room, you are allowed to go out with your spouse and sometimes you also adjust by spending time with inlaws or parents then I think staying under one roof and adjusting a bit is not a big deal. We know many Indian parents go over the top in controlling son or DIL that is negative, but parents should compromise and adjust with DIL and understand DIL, let her live her life her way like not telling her what to wear or let her work while always behaving respectfully with her, while DIL should also don't mind staying under one roof if they are not bothering her and learn to adjust and compromise a bit.

    Whatever I wrote above is my personal opinion so I suggest everyone not to take personally and I don't mean to offend anyone, If I had offended anybody then I am sorry, But I wrote what I feel.

    Thanks
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2011
  4. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi, You obviously don't like having your Ils come for extended stay. Neither do I. And neither do 'most of us'. Some people in this thread have argued that parents have the right to visit and stay at their son's house for as long as they wish to. I could spot a man who has argued so. I found him saying in another thread that he couldn't have his parents visiting because they might get bored etc. I could spot one person who is not married and another one person who has clearly said that she has never had her ILs over for more than 2 months. Well, this was just to point out the irony.

    One argument made is that why is the question only about Ils and not parents? I think it is assumed that usually a woman's parents come and stay as often as a man's parents. I find this claim baseless because I have never seen a woman(where I live), whose parents have stayed for 6 months, however, it's the ILs who usually do so.

    Another argument is about western and eastern parenting. Often I find this argument that indian kids expect their parents to fund their education and wedding, indian DILs expect their MIL to help when their kids are small, but when they don't need parents' help, they don't want their ILs to stay longer. What we ignore is that in India parents also want their kids to go and study overseas and have a lavish wedding. Parents often want to show off and compete with their peers in terms of how well their kids are doing in life. Parents also put pressure on their children to pursue careers they don't wish to. Kids also often marry as per their parents' wish. So, the claim that parents spend the money on their kids because the kids expect them to is not entirely true. There are many posts in this forum where the DIL has expressed distress about having her MIL over to help during pregnancy. Some women are even willing to do it all alone without MIL or mother's visit to avoid conflict. It's the ILs and the parents who wouldn't let them do it. So, It is again a baseless argument that women expect their Ils to help during their pregnancy. (Some women do expect, but more on that later.)
    Coming back to OP. Why ILs come and visit for 6 months? As some posters have already mentioned it's the cost and distance of travel. Another important aspect that everybody has ignored is that if your ILs are living with your SIL/BIL, they also need a break from ILs and they send them to live with you. you are expected to do your bit in 'looking after' the ILs. Another aspect is the norm. These days most parents have at least one child overseas so there is the competition that if your friend has been overseas for 6 months, we must too. if they stay for shorter period, they have to give answer to people back home why they didn't stay longer. They stay for so long because they are expected to. Once my ILs stayed with us for only 2 months and I had to answer everyone around why because parents are expected to stay for 6 months. it's a trend that has caught on.
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Monita.may be its best to keep ur generalization to a minimum...
    I have lived in the US for about 12 years now..in those 12 years I have had my inlaws visit me
    6 times and parents
    about 6 times..each time they have stayed with me 6months at a stretch..do the math...
    that is a total 6 years of the 12 ..50 %. of living with elders .
    I would say thats a good percentage. May be I can talk about this and dispel some myths from ur post?
    Myth1 : Parents dont come to daughters houses.....my parents do ..its their home too.
    Myth2 : DIL dont want PIL to help them out during delivery and with kids..I wanted ..very much so..
    I took help from both my inlaws and my parents..I was their daughter ..whom else will I ask for help?
    And BTW I didnt even have to ask..they came ...thats love.
    Myth3: Parents want their chidren to go abroad and have lavish wedding..Wrong...Neither my inlaws nor my
    parentswanted us to go abraod..we came because we wanted...they just gracefully let us go
    Myth4. We need to keep the inlaws in the US because there is another sibling in India who needs a break..
    This is so far from truth in my case and utterly ridiculous that I dont even want to talk about it...

    Living with elders be it parents or inlaws for extended periods of time requires adjustment from both sides.Its not for everyone ...and can be done and BTW very enjoyable if the right people are involved. Please stop implying that people who post their opinions here have double standards or are not qualified to talk about them. Just as u are entitled to ur opinions we are too !
     
  6. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Read my post carefully. I have not generalized. I am talking about majority of people. There's is a general rule, then there are exceptions. You have had your parents and ILs live with you for 6 months in alternate years. But you are not everyone. Do others you know are also doing the same? My statements comes from the observation of about 300 people who are not doing this. So you are an exception. You cannot say that you are the general rule or the norm.
    Also, you are saying that because you are not doing certain things, they are myths. You have had your parents live with you as long as your ILs, so it's a myth that Ils live with son and DIL more than the girl's parents and same with your other arguments.
    In my case and DH's case, our parents didn't pay for our education. So, according to you, it's a myth that Indian parents pay for their kids education. I didn't expect my mother/ MIL, so, according to you, it's a myth that women expect their mother/DIL to help during pregnancy, so on and so forth.
    Do you get the point?
     
  7. puspita

    puspita Silver IL'ite

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    I think one should get the answer after reading the replies give by rms1 and JAG...

    At least I got it.....
     
  8. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    i dont know abt JAG, but I dont get your point.

    You think you are the only person who is privileged to know 100s of friends, relatives, office colleagues, and people in general?

    Do you not think that we also "observe" people doing and not doing it.

    So, pls. dont generalize and say you know what the "norm" is, and others do not know. For your kind info, many Indian parents do extended stays in foreign countries. And it includes inlaws, parents both sides.
     
  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Of course not.

    So, are you saying that normally the wife's parents stay at her DD's house equally as her ILs. Can you give an honest answer, out of 100s of people you observe, about what percentage have the wife's parents live with them for 6 months? No need to count and calculate. Just a rough idea. For me it's easy. I have known just a couple, and now JAG. That makes 3 out of roughly 300.
    If your ILs stay with you , I 'll count you as well. But I know that's not the case.
    It would be interesting to know other's opinion as well.
     
  10. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    A lot of them do. I am not going to collect statistics.
     

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