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Qualities Of A Good/wonderful Dad?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety2016, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear all,

    I have many ladies say here and in real life as well that their husband is 'otherwise a great dad' and that is the reason they dont want a divorce. I am really unable to comprehend this contradicting statement.

    How can a man be a great dad if he cant be a reasonable husband?

    For the better functioning of a family isn't the overall dynamics more important?


    According to me, a good dad

    1) First and foremost will respect his wife and her decisions. He should not impose his ideas on her and force her to follow the same. That is dominance and not partnership. So what will the child learn from this attitude of the father? that its okay to ill treat or dominate people as we like

    2) Should not be physically, verbally and emotionally abusive towards his wife. What does a child learn this? that its perfectly ok to hit, shout and yell!

    3) Should involve himself from day to day activities of the child. Right from changing the diaper to bathing to cooking to potty training to teaching, he has to do his share of work with joy just like how a mom does it religiously for her children without being told or nagged.

    4) Should be responsible enough to start saving for his family once a child his born instead of spending mindlessly. Every penny earned matters and what is the point in spending lavishly to gift his friends, relatives when cant even afford to open a FD in the name of his child.

    5) Should be able to cook a simple meal for the child without grudging instead of handing over a pack of biscuits/ chocolates if the mother is not around, should engage a child constructively like taking her to a park, temple, museum, zoo instead of giving the tab/ mobile to her. That shows his real sense of responsibilities.

    6) Should talk and spend time with his children, help them out with their studies, school/college related activities keenly, should stand up for them no matter what, should not impose his dreams on them, should not force them to do things beyond their capabilities, should ensure that he contributes equally to ensure peace and happiness in the house so that the child feels save and loved in his/her home.

    7) Should understand how the life of a young woman changes topsy turvey after having a child be it physical or emotional. I will never forget the extrucating pain I experienced during labour, breastfeeding, vaginal stitches, sagging belly, tremendous hairfall, sleepless nights, first sex after delivery, joining back to work after maternity leave, travelling to meet the baby in creche every 2 hours for feeding despite being in a important meeting..what not..everything was painful in its own way and I would never undermine it. He should empathize and love his wife even more for being a perfect mother, nice wife and a astute professional.

    If he cant see or do the things mentioned above, how can he even qualify to be a good human being forgot about being a good dad. So I would urge every lady out there including me to think, stay strong and never never underestimate the power within herself when she fights for her rights!..

    Ladies Please add more as I would have definitely missed something. Le us make a protocol and spread awareness to break all the stupid notions.

    P.S: I am a mom of 2 year old and most of the points are from my own experiences.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    It is not contradictory and not so difficult to understand. For example, a person can be very knowledgeable and patient but a bad teacher nonetheless. A sibling can be a great brother or sister but not fun to share an apartment with. A close friend might not be the best colleague.

    A man can be a good father -- spends time with children, demonstrates affection, participates in parenting tasks, works hard to earn money, loves the children but also firm with them. But is not a good husband -- does not spend enough time with wife, emotional wavelength does not match, does not support her in front of his parents, gives too much money to his family, does not respect her parents, always watching tv or surfing the net, not willing to put in the effort a marriage takes.

    The list is very exhaustive. Reads like a list of qualities for Sravan Kumar (adapted for good dad instead of good son). : )

    The men who count as "good dads" in my friend circle have some of these attributes some of the time. They are not perfect but have done a good job of breaking old stereotypes and while parenting does remain mostly the woman's responsibility, the men contribute in their own ways. In many households the man remains the primary breadwinner, and also the one to calm down the mother when she gets all worked up about something related to child.

    Some of your points are valid, such as respect wife, make joint decisions, plan for future expenses. But, some things do not come naturally to men. Such as doing house work with joy. Just as completely switching off the "mother mode" and focusing on office work does not come easily to women.

    About the pain a women undergoes with pregnancy, delivery and after -- she gets sufficient recognition for it. Mothers and motherhood are held sacred and considered very special in any culture. Those times are not easy for the man also. Watching wife go through all that pain is not easy on the man. They are almost helpless at times. There are also sacrifices of a different nature such as abstaining from sex with very pregnant wife.

    Babies do not come with a manual. Parenting is the hardest task one can undertake with zero training. It needs a somewhat reasonable human being, with love for the biological or adopted child, and a somewhat good communication between husband and wife.

    If men are expected to do each thing that women do related to child's care and responsibilities, are women prepared to do the same for the things the man does? Would many women want to be very involved with financial/investment research and decisions? Would women like to drive half the time on long trips in a strange city? Would they like to take vehicle maintenance related decisions after researching the same online?
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    * This response is about "abusive" husbands only.


    I have seen a few real life examples of this.

    Ex: 1 This one guy, amazing friend you can ever have. Always there to help his friends. He gets married, 2 years later, we figured out what a horrible horrible husband he turned out to be.

    Ex: 2, amazing dad, everyone loves him at the school, get to know the wife, we find she's abused day in n day out by the same amazing person.



    You have raised some valid points. But mentioning a few thought process from the 'abusive husbands' pov, none of the problems will exist if they think otherwise, right ?

    She's my wife, she should listen to what I say, that's non negotiable. If I don't like, she should even stop talking to her own parents.

    Yes. Be the master or the victim.

    *On the other hand, some dads are very good at hiding these things from their kids. They never find out or maybe they do after they grow up to be an adult via some other relative. I have seen some kids defending their dads even when they hear this.

    It's my right to correct my wife just as I do with my kids. Ofcourse I can hit her if she says or does something wrong, how else can I discipline her. Kids will see n learn that discipline is important n that I am the boss.

    That's a women's job.

    My money is my money. Your money is also my money as am the husband. I will do whatever I want with it.

    What ? Cooking ? My dad never even picked up his plate. Baby sitting the kid itself is asking for too much, n you actually want me to sacrifice my time to entertain the kids.

    Be surprised if I know which grade or section the kids are in. N the kid will study what I want. I am the only ones who knows better.

    Millions of women does it everyday. Even my mom did it, I didn't see her complaining. What's so special about you .. huh ?

    Unfortunately, some always sees the new wife as a threat, outsider or below them.
    Mainly this could come from his own parents, the way his father treated his mother.
    Or the insecurities of the parent/s built inside him over the period of years.
    Over controlling family.
    Raised in a male chauvinistic environment.
    Or he was forced to get married.
    Doesn't like the new wife or something about her.
    Stuck in this marriage with no out.
    So, due to such n many more reasons, he can still be an amazing dad, son, friend but a horrendous husband. Unfortunately, such men's worst face is reserved only for the wives.

    As long as the affected women doesn't stand up for her, these situations can't be fixed.
    - First point is to understand the difference between abuse n misunderstanding.
    - Then, Standing up is equal to being brave and stopping any form of abuse - not really about splitting all the time as running away can't be the answer for everything.


    Just would like to point out that men aren't monsters, it's just that some are unbalanced n causes such issues. N similarly there are many husbands who are abused at the hand of their wives. Since we women are more social creatures, we have a ladies forum to vent out. Many of those victim men, doesn't want to utter a word, so we aren't hearing about it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

    N on a normal note, men can't do everything women can, just like women can't do everything men can. We have all our own strengths n weaknesses, n life will be good as long as we respect that difference n start seeing each other as equal partners instead of forcing, competing n expecting our partners to do n be everything, hubby or wife.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018
  4. lavani

    lavani Silver IL'ite

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    sorry this list is very exhaustive. hard to pin point good or bad. as there are abusive men and at the same time there are abusive women. my neighbor is a abusive lady. always yelling and fighting.

    from what i recollect fathers leave a very powerful subconscious impression the on the child. how .. i learnt from my dad about the benefits of hard work and also being content and really emotionally happy with what i have. now that you mentioned qualities of dad. this made me thinking, my mom though did the speaking part most of the time, this i learnt from my dad and it has helped me so much. he never came and taught me these things. it is just i saw him cool all the time. now i work, i understand how hard it is.

    how i view is more of personality . if your partner can acknowledge good patterns that need to be improved and same goes to the woman. things fit automatically.

    my DH and DD had a severe fight, he wanted her to learn rubix cube and participate in a competition. she fought like any kid. lots of yelling and fight. now after 3 months, she participating in World rubix compensation and did pretty well. she was super excited and proud show to her friends. this will help in her college admissions too.

    during this whole process there was a lot of yelling from dh too. now does that make him a bad dad.

    world is changing also. there is no manual as you mentioned, this is what i feel . DD talks about girls dating in her class. i panic. DH says we are lucky she is sharing and we advise that relationships before college if broken hurt a lot and will affect school . dd understands. many do not share and do secretly.
     
  5. HazelPup

    HazelPup Platinum IL'ite

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    Quality of a good dad should be such that, his son/daughter would take him as a role model to raise their own children. Keeping their dad’s qualities as a standard they would try to reach it if not surpass it.
     

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