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Problems with BIL/DH

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SriAnnapurna, Feb 2, 2012.

  1. SriAnnapurna

    SriAnnapurna New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    Sorry for the long post..

    A little background about myself.. been married for about 3 yrs.. DH & I live together, his younger brother ( 1 yr younger) lives 40 miles away. He visits us every weekend.. and stays from Friday Night to Sunday Night. I never had a problem with him until he got involved in a fight I had with DH.

    DH had gone overboard with his drinking at his friend's house and while driving back he started puking (which I absolutely hate). I don't know if its the pregnancy mood swings that I had or what.. I scolded DH that he should know when to stop when he's at other people's house and must not depend on his pregnant wife to drive around at 1 am at the night, when she's clearly tired. BTW, I never said anything to DH when he drinks at home during the weekend.

    To this DH was calm, but his brother got enraged and started saying don't say anything about my brother or I will lose all the respect I have for you. I said, well you shouldn't be talking in a husband and wife fight.. BIL started talking more and this made my DH even more aggravated and both of them ganged up against me. I started driving and weeping at the same time. DH came home and made me look guilty for everything - calling me unfriendly, rude and arrogant. I didn't sleep that night.

    My DH thinks I'm not friendly with his brother and I don't call him by his name. Infact my MIL asked me to give everyone respect and add "Ji" for every person. So did my DH, he asked always give respect when you talk to me. So I applied the same rule to BIL as well. That became a huge issue. Also, I was never good friends with any guy I studied with and thats how I'm with BIL as well. My DH knows this, and that is how he is with women. Not very friendly. Such Small things were highlighted.. and I kind of lost my respect for my BIL. Also couple of weeks ago, my DH promised to give $50,000 - $70,000 cash to his brother from our joint account without even asking for my permission. This disturbed me a lot.

    DH does not understand how hard it is for me being pregnant and cooking for these 2 guys every weekend, washing every dish (BIL doesn't even clean a spoon). I don't nag DH that he isn't spending time with me, I let those guys to hang out.. for 6 - 7 hrs whole day without me.

    The brothers are very close and I get that.. but I don't like it when he says he likes his brother more than me in public. My DH complains that I don't look for suitable matches for his brother - but the deal is he's denied about 20-30 matches that i've selected quoting some or the other reason.

    I want to tell my DH that its not easy for me to entertain his brother every weekend, without being rude. I don't mind if DH goes to his brother's place and spends the weekend there but he doesn't do that either. How can I let these things not get into my head, and still enjoy my pregnancy. I want DH to spend some quality time with me as well.. planning for this baby. Please suggest the best way to handle this situation.

    Thanks,
    Poorna
     
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  2. jj009

    jj009 Junior IL'ite

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    Do you have any friends in the area? Why don't you go out over the weekend and have girl's night out? You don't have to spend all the weekend at home, do you?
     
  3. lochu

    lochu Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Poorna
    Congrats on your pregnancy


    You did absolutely the right thing by asking your BIL to shutup when couples are fighting .BIL or MIL or anybody for that matter has no business interfering with the couples fight .Don't feel bad if they gang up and don't loose your calm too be calm but be firm on this at any cost .Next time opt out of the night parties quoting the same incident .let your BIL drive on the wayback if he so concerned about his brother .

    The next time your BIL shows up ask him to clean his plate after food and get help ith Vegetables cooking from DH and if he refuses then tell them you are tired and lets eat out ........just don't get out of bed that weekend .( as now you have the pregnancy excuse ) your BIL should get the message .If not ask your hubby and plan for a babymoon with just you guys for a weekend getaway .

    Regarding Money matters have a frank talk with DH saying thats its common A/C so I need to know the reason as well in assertive tone .

    Good luck
     
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  4. archana2008

    archana2008 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Poorna,
    Congrats on your pregnancy.
    Forget about the fight, when guys are drunk you tell them anything it is a waste.
    it is really wrong that your BIL talks to you like that.
    from now on dont even talk to your DH when he is drunk.
    nothing gets into there mind what they talk and how they behave.
    regarding ji ji thing, ask your DH and BIL when both are at one place casually.
    so BIL ji, in our family MIL says we should call everyone ji. i hope its ok for you when i call you BIL ji.
    this way things will be cleared in front of your DH. also talk it in light node. as a casual talk.
    50k is a hugeeee amount. your DH without discussing with you is big mistake.
    jokingly tell him arey you promised 50k to your brother. ayyo i promised 100k to my sister.
    just dont shout or anything. they should know that if we give such huge amounts just like that it is not good.
    incase you were giving to your sister or brother how would he feel? especially without informing each other.
    stop cooking and cleaning for them on weekends. friday afternoon start off ohh god this is paining, oh god that is paining. thats it. with such people who dont even care to wash there spoon they will not understand good words. so just dont cook. let them order from outside or cook whatever. but till monday morning you behave sick. blame it on pregnancy. its ok.
    if he says you are not looking for a suitable match tell your DH ofoo our BIL is so nice, i cant find one single girl that can match his good personality. and dont mock. tellthis as if you really mean it ;)
    spending quality time with DH. umm what good then valentines day.. tell him valentine weekend you want to spend romantic day with him. once baby comes you both wont be able to do allllll that. talk to him little romantic. and make him starve for love that week before saying on that weekend its gonna be special. cutting his bro might not happen immediately, but once baby comes weekends make sure baby is with dad more time.
    i just leave baby with my DH during my 1 hour bath. you have to do such things to make sure dad takes care of baby. its not always mommmy.

    Good Luck!!
     
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  5. disillusion

    disillusion Senior IL'ite

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    I don't know why other posters are telling you to forget about the fight like its no big deal. This is a turning point in your marriage. Your BIL should not have interfered and WORSE your husband should not have ganged up on you. It shows what kind of background they are. You in that condition, having to drive home the two of them, that was just a horrible thing for them to do. I'm not sure what to say, except they don't seem like nice kind and you need to take care, for yourself and the baby. Don't be their designated driver next time.
     
  6. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Just ask your BIL to stop and keep away from you when ou have something going on between you and your DH.I guess you are not acting strong while saying something to your BIL.Do not cry or weep.Be confident and the strongness should reflect on your face.People always try to rule the ones that appear weak.

    No, you did not doing anything wrong and don't need entertain your BIL each and every week end.Ask your DH to take you out and entertain you and if he refuses, and wants to go along with his brother , fine, let him go, but do not cook or clean the next week and act sick and make him do all the chores from next week onwards especially during the week ends.And don't show that you are doing it like tit for tat.And see if his brother helps your DH in the chores and possibly there will come few changes in their attitudes.Let us hope for the best.
     
  7. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    hey! congrats on ur pregnancy ! n as far as i think Ur DH and other family members should try to make this time pleasant n relaxing and should try to keep u happy and not in the way they behaved by ganging against u and making u cry .
    but i think instead of crying and feeling sad u need to take stand and be firm . try to make Ur husband realize that u need some time to rest in pregnancy on weekends. don't cook special foods for bil n dh on weekends n why should u only clean their dishes ? take rest my dear friend and try to be happy ?
    and i firmly believe no one can take us for granted till we allow them . u got to take some firm steps.
    First start from taking time out for your self on weekend . go for something which u like to do , may be some walk in a park , or take prenatal yoga classes or some meditation or even something like watching a fav movie at home can be very relaxing !
    second , u need to make people know their limits , be it bil or mil or even ur family , what ever issues u have with dh should be between u guys only. tell this firmly to Ur dh also.
    third , although the money issue is big but i think its better to discuss it later , as handling too many issues can be difficult for u and might go against u . deal with it when the right time comes but u can do something that u keep some separate account , i think its very imp to have a separate account as we might not know when we can face some adverse situation , tell Ur hubby u will give him money when he needs it but keep ur salary n savings separate, that way u have control over what is being spent out of ur saving.
    i know some of these will be difficult n may hurt u but u have to stand up for yourself.
    stay happy stay blessed !!!!!!
     

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