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Problems In Married

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Happygirl6, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    You already know the base route of the problem.

    He has to work on the issue. Happy baby ( like your name :) )doesn't happen in a single day, before that you guys need to be a healthy couple then you can give a happy home to a baby. Otherwise it will be like - "right now you are stuck in this marriage, down the line you and baby stuck in this marriage".

    Everyday go for a walk together discuss about each others day. Discuss week plans, share some fun moments ( no need to be serious discussion)Build a friendship with each other. Try to know each other more. Make it a routine.

    Do more activities as couples. Cooking, dance classes. Where you both can have fun.

    Even if he pester or not, you need to get back into career as early as possible for your sake. Else after few years you will be like 'no career & no family. '

    Once you start earning be financial independent . Learn to handle your own money. It will increase your self confidence.

    When you feel like he is in a good mood to listen ask him what is his plans to grow as family? If he is planning to have kids after 2 years, 3 years yeah no plans at all. You should be aware of what is going on in your life and take actions. He should see a doctor or counselor as early as possible.

    Don't go for baby untill you feel you can give a happy home to a baby.

    Go with a basic plan. You don't want to feel the same way even after 2 years.( There are so many posts in Ils where people are stuck for years, then realise they need to take some action. ) Now you know where the problem is. Take some action.

    You are beautiful and good girl. No doubt about it. You are being nice to him even after realising all these issues. Don't let his words to get you into depression.

    Happy New Year be happy girl :)
     
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  2. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    @salad
    Thank you very much for the kind words but how do i ignore his words . I have no friends here . He is at home all the day and he expects me to do every thing . He like modern girls where i am conservative in nature. According to what i understood is he is completely immature and dont know anything. He thinks girls who wear modern dresses , girls who drink ,who are live in relationships are very matured than girls who do pooja . When will he realize that every one has their own tastes. He tries to do friendship with the so called posh people . obviously they dont like him for his looks and speech issues. I wanted him to know family bonding and love. I dont know whether i can teach him or not . In the mean while i am very depressed and couldnt concentrate on job search .

    I wanted to ignore his words . How is it possible ??It is a like a bug in my brain reminding every time
     
  3. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    He was very polite before marriage . Even now also if he is with outside people he is very polite. He cant contradict outside people even in a gentle way . He smiles and nods his head for everrything . People think that he is very sweet but in reality he is not.

    You are right he has a lot of inferiority complex. i can surely say tht . i think he was abused by other students in child hood because of his speech issues.My parents support me very well but 3rd person can never know whats happening between 2 people .Some times they say tht .

    One day i complained to inlaws about his behaviour and divorce threats. He was so suprised and he said this is the end . Then they spoke and compromised the issue. I think they also know about his behaviour .
     
  4. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you so much but do you think he will change ?? He is very money minded in my view . All he wants is money , posh looking girl who drinks. We are poles apart . I dont know how to change him . He doesnt eeven drop me sometimes . I have too go by uber . Yes you are right he is threating me . I know no one will see his face if i leave as this is his 2nd marriage
     
  5. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ashney

    You are right . when i complained to inlaws he said he doesnt have any issue with me and only i had an issue with him . He has to correct himself and he will change . I dont know how to take it .He is very lucky in life and got eveyghing nd he looks doown at others . dont know how to tolerate him
     
  6. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Some people it take some time to come to reality.
    They have to change them self. No meaning in wasting your energy. You should use that energy to concentrate on yourself.

    Ones you have your own stand he will start listening to you.

    Do however possible you can. If he ask more tell him to show you by 'doing it.' Else tell him to take turns.
    Don't try to teach him or guide him. That won't work here.
     
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  7. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Omnam

    I will try in getting job quickly but you know what he is dominating in my career also. He will tell me to apply only for some positions which he feels are good . OMG its hell with this guy . He says there are no career prospects in my field . Sometimes he is ok to deal with and he will not talk about the job for 20 days . "One day he will remember and he says i am jealous of him because he is succesful and i am not" " He tells me being a girl if you have that much of ego how much should ii have'. he doesnt talk with me for 4 days and i have to got to him and console him . I dont know what my fate is . I married him for emotional support but he is an 10 year old kid .He doesnt allow me to dscuss anything about future like kids ,car , India trips etc. He says i am obssesed of family and i m fit for nothing . Those who cnt achieve anything in life will be fond of family . I dont know how to understand .In my view he is very immatured , doesnt even listen to his parents , no family friends , doesnt know what he wants . He himself is confused and making me suffer. He doesnt have any married friends with kids . He will always roam with some bachelors .
     
  8. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    He says i am a weak person and whey i cry out of pain he says girls use this as a technique
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, I read both of your posts. My reply is based on that. I can understand the sadness and frustration in you. But please be open minded and take all perspectives with equal spirit.

    Look like both of you need to grow up. I feel like two kids fighting without understanding the real problem. Even though it is second marriage ,both of you didn't do much homework or took enough time to understand each other, your expectations, future plans etc... But past is past.. we cannot do anything about it.. now you both have to work together to make this marriage work.

    As both of you are adults it is impossible to change your general nature or his.. only thing you can do is changing the way how you react to a situation. What you do when he verbally insults you? Can you tell us.

    You have mentioned that he has sexual issues . Do you know what it is. I guess your marriage is consummated. Right...
    I think he is 100% aware that he has sexual issues. So he is guilty about it.. what guilty people do? They tried to hide their fault by blaming others.. he is exactly doing that.. he knows he has some problem, he is trying to divert your attention from it by creating inferiority complex in your mind or trying lower your self esteem by insulting you or comparing to other women. Don't fall into that trap.
    If you argue, fight, cry or react this way to each and everything , you have already fell into that..get out of it soon.

    Ideally one may advice you to be a loving caring understanding wife who boosts the confidence of dh by supporting him whole heartedly to fix your intimacy issues. I am sure you would have done that.

    But lack of love, caring, respect and intimacy plus his insulting behaviour is moving you away from him. I think that is the issue here.

    Do you love him? If so, try to make a list of his positives. Try to see that instead of negatives. No one is perfect. Try to do a self introspection first -is there any behaviour of you that create irritation, your negatives, your positives, try to improve.

    First of all tell yourself that No one can lower your self esteem. Tell yourself that you are smart, beautiful and capable women . Tell this to yourself everyday. Work on your confidence and gain some inner strength. Be thick skinned. Create an I don't care attitude. If you can smile at you or him in a neutral way, you can deal with many issues. Learn to talk in calm composed way. That s very powerful. Don't take all those nonsense to your heart.

    Even if you go for job or not he may continue his behaviour. Then what you will do? So you need to set the boundary. Who is going to do all household work when you go to job? Start from there. You said he make you do all jobs and won't help you.. Tell him if he want you you to go got work, be has to share all household works. If you feel like doing anything one day, don't do it. Say no ( learn various vesions).

    Be assertive. It doesn't mean you have to fight. What you have to do is let him know in calm way what you like or not. Set a clear message to him on you don't tolerate nonsense. Set a boundary.

    If he say you are not beautiful. Tell him he is also not. But you like men who treat women with respect and also men of character. All physical beauty go with age.. dh and dw spent more time together as old people. Then wife's love only will be there...communicate well. Or just ignore it.

    If he keeps on finding fault with you...ask him , Can you do me a favour? Can you stop talking like this way.. I don't like it as it's highly insulting. Do you like if I talk this way. Be nice be respectful if you want the same " then walk away or go to another room. Completely ignore.

    Another way is whenever he start finding fault for no reason, you pretend as if you are deaf or just smile walk away or tell " I was wondering why you are not here to find fault, I know why you are doing it , you don't want me to talk about intimacy isn't it"just go away from there or be busy with something else. I just mentioned context but do it in your way.

    Of these, ignoring/ acting deaf may give a strong message to him than arguing or fighting-that you don't care or it has no effect on you. He will be disappointed that his plan is not working.

    You can appolagize if you think you made a mistake. But if you think you did the right thing, don't appologise even if he go for silent mode.

    OP, you might have observed his nature and what works with him. What is his weakness?
    What approach work with him? Use that. Don't get emotional even though it's natural, use brain.

    Job- you can do it. In us, you two will be in home and your attention will be on dh, so even small issues became bigger In no time In addition to money, job gives you an oopportunity to get out of home , have your circle, a diversion. It is quite possible to do job and take care of home. In us, life is individualistic. We need to do lot of things ourselves. It is part of life style here. So take it in positive spirit.

    If he pressurise you for job or tell you that you are useless... Tell him clearly that you don't like this way of talking as it is lowering your confidence. Request him to stop doing that. Stop talking about your job search to pils or relatives.
    If he don't listen and still continues the same verbal attack, tell him if he do it again you will stop searching for job. It is husband's duty to take care if wife...let us fix our marriage first than job. Now there are important isdues to fix than job

    Completely ignore all his arguments on this topic.

    This just to stop him from these kind if talks. But focus your energy in job search , but stop talking about this to dh if not needed . Don't allow him to spoil your peace of mind or confidence. Job will give you confidence. But manage your finances / salary yourself.

    You need to show him that his tantrums has no effect on you, so control your urge to cry , fight etc infront of him. Show him that you are a strong and bold person. Dont give him any chance to dominate you. If not , you will suffer due to his bahaviour.

    Don't think about having a child till both of your issues are sorted out.

    Last but not the least, Op, you guys are recently married. You are from totally different environments. It take time to reach a comfort zone. Have lot of patience. Create a happy home as much as you can . Do your duty. I think you can teach him, how to love , if not, atleast respect you. Demand respect. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2018
  10. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    @ D dream

    when he verbally insults me i get angry and that results in a fight . He says you are a girl of inferiority complex thats why you react like this. I know i have to ignore him but trust me it causes me a great pain. For one sec i will loose control on everything.

    yes the marriage is consumated and his sex drive is ok in the first few weeks of marriage but after wards he says it went low.He has some erection issues. I m confused in this matter as i dont have enough knowledge about it. Is it his problem or mine??

    I cannot have a open communication with him . I am scared of what i should hear. For eg : If i say i love kids and want to have kids in future he says you are obsessed with kids and family . You dont have individuality . He thinks i am fit for nothing .

    You have exactly guessed the issue . I am moving away from him and scared of his disrespectful behaviour . It is causing great pain in me . He is not like this befre marriage and they were after us for marriage . I thought he will take good care of me but i didnt expeect this .

    To be honest i am patient some times but i give back to him also. I have to become thick skinned and ignore his tauntrums .
     

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