Problems In Marriage

yellowdazy111 · Aug 3, 2016

Hi everyone
I am married for 4 years and I am feeling like things are not going well between me and him. In last 1 week we fought twice.
First- last week i was in a different city for an assignment and he stayed back. I called him on reaching hotel and he dint pick, next day i called him in evening and he dc my phn saying that he was with his friends.. i felt bad as the girl who was with him always flirts (i personally dont like her). he called me back after 3 4 hrs and i said you are not missing me(its the first time when we were separated) and on hearing this he shouted badly saying that i dnt trust him and told me that i could go ahead with divorce. i apologized a hundred times and then he was ok.In that week he planned an outing with 2 couples- one of them was the same girl and her H. i came back on friday night and we left sat morning. Because of my travel and work i was very tired and so i had one drink and went to sleep in my hotel room. Around midnight i woke up because of some disturbances, i tried to sleep but i could not so i thought to join friends again. I could not find them in restaurant area, then a waiter told me that he saw them in disc. i went there i found my DH dancing with the girl.. her H was not around. I could not control .. i regret i should have but i just couldnt.
I went to my H and i said few things in anger(you left me asleep and you r dancing with her). Then he held my hand and started abusing me. he was drunk. Next day morning i apologized that i should not hv reacted fast but he made face and he dint talk with me during the whole trip. after coming back i tried to make up but he said that i dont trust him and he feels like in a cage with me , i dont know where i went wrong in my married life.. i always try to support him, if i say yes to everything he is ok but as i soon as i utter something this kind of fight happens.
Now we both are feeling depressed.. we are talking with each other but just the important things.
he is saying that he will never talk with his or my friends, ll never go out with anybody.
Please help me ladies i dont know how should i react.. What should i do to improve my relation with him..

madras2018 · Aug 3, 2016

Not sure if there are additional details missing here - but why is it that your husband seems to respond to your complaints in one of two ways and sometimes both together -
- anger and abuse followed by stonewalling.
- talking like he's lost his freedom because of you and he'd rather prefer a split.

I see a lot of blame-game but I don't see any dialogue in your post wherein it appears that he tried to explain his side or tried to pacify you. Did he do that and was it missed in your post ? Or have such issues been going on for a long time that he's skipped the calm explanation part and skipped directly to the fighting part.

No matter how many years you're married or which culture you are in (well, except maybe france / europe which may possibly have a more liberal attitude) - wives rarely take well to their husbands dancing with other women (unless it's family), and that too in their absence. Most good husbands would atleast have their wives' implicit or explicit consent. This is not a bf/gf relationship where people are supposed to be chill somewhat. Do you guys not have an implicit understanding of what each of you are okay with, with regards to the opposite gender ?

Sorry I posted a lot of questions - i didn't think a realistic or helpful comment from my side could be done without first understanding some missing pieces.

yellowmango · Aug 3, 2016

yellowdazy111 said: ↑

Please help me ladies i dont know how should i react.
Click to expand...

Stop apologizing for his bad behavior.
He is acting like this to stop you from asking questions....offense is the best defense.

Sarvani441 · Aug 3, 2016

Instead of reacting.. confront and ask him for the explanations .. in that process he will either realize that he has no reason to blame you or you will know the actual story behind the incidents..
Good luck.. don't make decisions in haste

yellowdazy111 · Aug 4, 2016

madras2018 said: ↑

Not sure if there are additional details missing here - but why is it that your husband seems to respond to your complaints in one of two ways and sometimes both together -
- anger and abuse followed by stonewalling.
- talking like he's lost his freedom because of you and he'd rather prefer a split.

I see a lot of blame-game but I don't see any dialogue in your post wherein it appears that he tried to explain his side or tried to pacify you. Did he do that and was it missed in your post ? Or have such issues been going on for a long time that he's skipped the calm explanation part and skipped directly to the fighting part.

No matter how many years you're married or which culture you are in (well, except maybe france / europe which may possibly have a more liberal attitude) - wives rarely take well to their husbands dancing with other women (unless it's family), and that too in their absence. Most good husbands would atleast have their wives' implicit or explicit consent. This is not a bf/gf relationship where people are supposed to be chill somewhat. Do you guys not have an implicit understanding of what each of you are okay with, with regards to the opposite gender ?

Sorry I posted a lot of questions - i didn't think a realistic or helpful comment from my side could be done without first understanding some missing pieces.
Click to expand...

His first reaction was shouting - I was not doing anything wrong, if you would have caught me with her on bed then you were justified.. i was doing nothing just standing on the dance floor and enjoying and then he showed anger in front of his friends and next morning when i apologized he started like you dont trust your H (rudely) and whole day he dint talk with me. after coming back home, he was upset , i was too, and then he shouted on me that you also go out with your frens - some of them are flirty but i trust you - y cant you trust me.
He is very much impressed with that couple.. wife dance with someone else , H goes somewhere else and he thinks that they both share a very good bond(they might b), they let their spouse go as they trust each other and my H feels that i dont trust him, he took that as my immature behaviour and nagging wife or may as per YELLOWMANGO- offence is the best defence.
He made me feel so much guilt that i could not go to work, i had headache and took a day off.
Yesterday he showed me an example of a couple where wife went to europe for 6 months and H went to sydney to see his female fren.
There is one more lady in his office whom he went out for drinking , i dint know that thing but one of his co-worker told me in a party. when i asked my H - he told me that she is an old unmarried lady and she is of his mums age and he is like a kiddoo to her - she was frustrated caz f office and thats y he took her for drinks. I just told him that dont do it again and that chapter was closed.

madras2018 · Aug 4, 2016

So he models his behavior and his expectations of his spouse based on external perceptions of how another "modern" couple function ?

I agree with @yellowmango. First of all stop feeling sorry that you did something wrong. I think you reacted in your own way to what he did. That reaction should tell you something about yourself - i.e what is acceptable to you and not. Clearly you are uncomfortable with your H spending time with other women, flirty or not. You are uncomfortable with him dancing, drinking or generally hanging out with them in your absence. How do you feel when a woman joins both of you for dinner or coffee? Safer or equally guarded ? Examine how you would feel if he were to henceforth socialize after telling you clearly when, where and with whom. Would that make it better ? Figure out what exactly upsets you, what is absolutely intolerable to you and communicate that to your husband. If he respects and needs you, he would respect your wishes or atleast engage in a conversation whereby both of you could come up with some mutually acceptable ground rules. Alternately, if he chooses to ignore your requests and continues to engage in upsetting behavior, it tells you something about how much he values you and your relationship.

Don't blame yourself or allow your husband's blame to sit heavily upon you. Sure, maybe you possibly could have said or done somethings differently. Nobody's perfect. Allow your anger to guide you to understand your boundaries and then let that understanding guide you to communicating your needs without apologizing or feeling ashamed or sorry for it.

yellowdazy111 said: ↑

His first reaction was shouting - I was not doing anything wrong, if you would have caught me with her on bed then you were justified.. i was doing nothing just standing on the dance floor and enjoying and then he showed anger in front of his friends and next morning when i apologized he started like you dont trust your H (rudely) and whole day he dint talk with me. after coming back home, he was upset , i was too, and then he shouted on me that you also go out with your frens - some of them are flirty but i trust you - y cant you trust me.
He is very much impressed with that couple.. wife dance with someone else , H goes somewhere else and he thinks that they both share a very good bond(they might b), they let their spouse go as they trust each other and my H feels that i dont trust him, he took that as my immature behaviour and nagging wife or may as per YELLOWMANGO- offence is the best defence.
He made me feel so much guilt that i could not go to work, i had headache and took a day off.
Yesterday he showed me an example of a couple where wife went to europe for 6 months and H went to sydney to see his female fren.
There is one more lady in his office whom he went out for drinking , i dint know that thing but one of his co-worker told me in a party. when i asked my H - he told me that she is an old unmarried lady and she is of his mums age and he is like a kiddoo to her - she was frustrated caz f office and thats y he took her for drinks. I just told him that dont do it again and that chapter was closed.
Click to expand...

Jazmine83 · Aug 4, 2016

see OP..I know a couple who swap as well..that doesn't make it a norm. What works for some doesn't work for another.

The issue is you are not ok with a particular behavior when it comes to his female friends. And that is ok. When you express this to him, he feels like his freedom is snatched away. And what he feels is ok too. What I see as a problem is the way you both communicate to each other. Sit together when calm & agree upon some boundaries.

ranirm · Aug 7, 2016

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ranirm · Aug 7, 2016

Ok a straight question..will he be ok if you dance with a male friend of yours and flirt with him?
And i also want to ask its just that they are friendly or they really flirt ..and is that flirt harmless or you are overreacting to that situation..just know these answers..may that can help you