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problems after moving to usa after new marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanaya, Sep 2, 2015.

  1. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    So you are not talking to inlaws because you husband is not talking to you parents . Do you expect you inlaws to make the first move .

    how are you changing the world right now ?is it by not talking to inlaws ?. And what is your feeling about India trip what so you want to do . You want to stay at Your home all the time or stay at both houses, did you talk to your husband? What does he say ? What is your stand if he says no .
     
  2. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Why should your family act like they are rich ??Why should your mom take the pain of dropping you but not come inside the home?Obviously your in-laws will be hurt.

    BTW, you are building your home now, concentrate on it. Know your priorities and concentrate on your family.
     
  3. sanaya

    sanaya New IL'ite

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    depend .. if my husband come to India then I'll stay at both houses and if my I'll go alone then I'll stay at my house and will visit my IL's my husband has already agreed on this.
     
  4. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, you are in US alone with your husband and newly married. Just focus on the honeymoon period and enjoy. This time will never come back. Just avoid conversations about the marriage and all the details. Change the topic or just say, they did what they could do. You will never be able to change their opinion or their thought process. They may not be greedy but may be somewhat of a Show-Off type people and are disappointed that they were not able to show-off to the extent they wanted. So just forget about it. Eventually, time will settle it.

    About your DH not talking to your parents, don't worry about it. It may be just shyness and he doesn't know them well. In early years, my husband also didn't speak to my parents or my siblings. Over the years, he is now talking to them more than me. So things change.

    So don't let all this things worry you. Just enjoy your time with your husband.
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. dhivya rangarajan

    dhivya rangarajan Bronze IL'ite

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    Keep up with this, and you will soon be posting in "Married Life" that your DH is not loving and caring to you like earlier days!
    Do not take anything for granted.
    What your ILs, Parents, Cousins, Nieces did / do is not your problem.
    What life choices they make about who they will talk to or not, again, is not your business.
    When you are free to do things pertaining to you and your family, why constantly push others to understand your stand point?
    Your H sounds like a level headed man. Don't make your tantrums ruin that for you.
    Get a grip. Enjoy life.
     
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  6. sanaya

    sanaya New IL'ite

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    Keep up with this, and you will soon be posting in "Married Life" that your DH is not loving and caring to you like earlier days!
    Your H sounds like a level headed man. Don't make your tantrums ruin that for you.
    what made you think that way ?
    what I want ? i just families to sort out there issues .. what's wrong in that ?
    but how can it be possible if my husband will not allow me to talk to my IL's ?
    he'll not talk to my parents ? he'll not let my parents talk to his parents ? my parent's ask me daily ask our son in law can we call his parent's ? can we go to there house to sort out things ? what should I answer ? and till when I've to say no ? unless and until we all will not talk, nothing can be done . things are getting worse with this but he don't understand . he's there son so they'll not say him anything but what about me ? will they spare me for not talking to them for so long ? still my husband don't let me talk to them .. will they spare my family for not going to there house and try to solve out things for so long ? still my husband don't let them talk to his parents. is this relationship broke for lifetime ? is it easy to live with this ? deadlock between families ? as far as you're talking about my tantrums .. I don't show any tantrum to him .. its his mom who said before marriage that I'll not cook anything from him he'll get to know about me after marriage but now its my husband who says you always take care of me , you always take care what I want and all .. you never say I can't cook today even if you'e very sick .. you wake up early in morning for me .. I do everything for him .. no not for him but for me because I love him so i love doing things for him , I never demand for anythings, he earns good but I don't demand for anything , he says that you are very nice that you don't extend fights you finish them soon .. but its deep inside me that I want everything to settle down .. I want his parents leave there Ego and sort out matters , at the end all this will come on me , they'll not let me meet my family .. this is the fear in me , I'm a kind of person who hate fights even if I've to sorry to my loved ones for many times I'll say but will not let them stop talking to me , I want good relationships between families .. there is no problem between me and my husband right now but I've afear that it will start when we will go to my IL'S house because they don't like me , they say we don't accept you as our DIL you're a guest here , I'm not allowed to cook in kitchen and my little brother parents are not allowed to come and meet me there my FIL taunts me whenever he wants many more things,
     
  7. sanaya

    sanaya New IL'ite

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    thanks for your advive I'll keep that i mind
     
  8. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Everone else had given lots of advice. I don't want to repeat them here.
    I would just say, be patient and everything will fall into its space.
     
  9. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Dear @Sanaya.. please be rest assured we are bringing here different perspective so that you see things the way your DH is seeing and be more aware of where you want to steer your marriage ..

    My "personal" view on some of what you have written...

    Seeing and listening are two different things... something tells me what your ILs heard is quite different from what they saw and they are obviously upset about it... leave your ILs and parents for a moment. They are old timers and better leave the $$$ dealing with them. What was "your" and "your DH" view on all this give and take ?? did you guys atleast have a stance that you as individuals are not supportive of this money making deal ? if your answer is no ... your problems start right there.

    Why are you stooping to their levels? they are cheap enough to be talking about how little they got as gifts... and if you counter by start listing down what all "gifts" you gave.. you are encouraging them to extend this kind of "material" speech. Please please... remove that one day gala event and all the things that lead to it... its over and what you are doing now is "real life" ... no more gold bracelet and diamont set... its over, you or DH had nothing to do with any of this and let the elders sort out whatever damn thing they wish to sort out..

    This speaks loads of what is going on in his head... there is a hurt somewhere and he is taking it out doing all this... this coming from the same guy who praises you explicitly for things you do right. I am more inclined towards giving his "emotions" more weightage because of the many things he has got right. Of course... he could have shown the maturity of "moving on" for the sake of relationship instead of just cutting off... hope he gets there soon.

    OP ... please change gears and hear out what he has got to say with an open / fair state of mind.

    This again speaks loads of how you are dealing with things.... you don't talk to your ILs because your mom said so... you speak to them because "you want to speak to them". that's what your DH is telling you in simple words.. Don't even start telling your DH how your mommy is encouraging your to talk to your ILs and "hence" you have very good set of parents / FOO ... he is sure to lose it.
    OP... please grow out of being daddy's / Mommy's princess...

    Precisely my thought...change the way you think OP...you have it all in a platter which most women don't have. A clear headed DH who can use "his own brain" .. take good advantage of your circumstances and emerge successful.

    If you think its too much to handle the whole gang of extended family on either side... please let everyone alone to sort out their own problems... and focus only on your immediate family which is your husband.
     
  10. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    May I suggest one more thing...

    Next time your mom asks you to "ask" your DH's permission to talk to rest of the world... please hand the phone to your DH. She can seek the permission herself.

    cut the drama on both the sides now (both DH and mom) ... else its going to cost you high price.. you don't really need high "emotional maintenance" relationship..
     
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