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problems after moving to usa after new marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanaya, Sep 2, 2015.

  1. sanaya

    sanaya New IL'ite

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    I got married almost 8 months back and moved to USA as my husband works here, I miss my family badly as this is the first time that i lived so far from them. I've no contact with my in laws they don't talk to me and my parents, even my husband don't talk to my parents. other than this my husband is good to me , he talks to me nicely, takes me out , funny in nature, makes me laugh, take care of my needs. but somewhere deep inside me I'm very sad .its hard to see what's happening with my parents.I've talked to my husband about this many times,i cried madly too but nothing happened.the complaint they have from us is my parents actually don't know how to do marriage .they say my parent's said ibefore marriage that we've lots of money then why did they gave less weighted gold chain on sagan and other things like this, they say we're not greedy people but you guys lied to us and we cannot tolerate lies . you're not that rich as you said to us before marriage. then 3 days after marriage I went to a mall near my husband family to meet my mother n cousins ,my mother n one cousin sister came to leave me my in laws home but my mother didn't came inside as she was unwell but my FIL, DH, MIL can't accept that thing till today my parents apologized so many times but they are not ready to patch up . there is a dead lock my parents can't go to my in-laws house ,even if i'm there they can't come them .my parent's are very nice people then why this is happening to them ? now a days I feel sad , my husband asks me what happened to you but I know its wastage of emotions to tell him , he loves me alot but he loves his parent's more than me
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Things will get better with time Op.
    Right now,just concentrate on improving your bond with husband. These days of new marriage won't come back.Make good memories.

    Relations with parents can improve over a period of time Don't worry.
    You stay in touch with your parents call them,skype with them. When they see you happy with your husband,they will be happy too.
     
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  3. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    ..you are in a new county, you will be lost for sure. See if you can make friends. You need to have more than your husband for emotional support here and it is also too much of a burden for him to support you 100% emotionally.

    So..there are some misunderstandings between both your parents. I know it's hard, but stay out of it. Don't drag this into your relationship. Things will settle down once people stop talking about it. Meanwhile, get to know your hubby more.
     
  4. Socialbee

    Socialbee Silver IL'ite

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    Your in-laws are indeed greedy no matter how they put it. In the starting of the new marriage usually men will feel whatever their parents say is only right because thats how things would have been stuffed inside their brains. But over time he will be able to see that life is not all about money. No need for your parents to apologize. You be in touch with your parents regularly and keep both parents and hubby happy. Things will eventually change. But for now don't expect your husband to start talking immediately to them.
    New country, new life, new fun.. enjoy and Cheer up.. hugsmiley
     
  5. Salaswathi

    Salaswathi Senior IL'ite

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    Living far far away from all that madness is a blessing. You are given time alone with your husband, with no interference from anyone. Newly married girls in India would die for such a gift.

    Make him happy, raise him well. And in the process you will get busy and make a happy life for yourself.

    Telephone conversation through the internet is cheap. Call your parents once in a while, and tell them how happy you have been in your life. That will be sufficient for them to be happy.

    If your in-laws want to be unhappy and angry, you cannot help it. But if you are unhappy and angry, you can surely do something about it.
     
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  6. surekhap

    surekhap Platinum IL'ite

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    @sanaya you are thinking too much its just nothing but u r missing ur parents it happens to every one in the early times after marriage.
    coming to misunderstanding between your parents and from ur sasural side its takes some time for the two families to understand each other . as ur from two different families habits, culture, way of life differs slowly every thing will be alright.
    husband loving their parents than u ofcourse he will he spent more than 20 years with them u just entered his life it also takes time that u take over them may be years.
    with all this worries don't miss ur golden time try to enjoy your life and every moment of our life.
    and be intouch of ur parents and enquire of their well being.
     
  7. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    OP.. please let me be a little blunt in expressing my views...

    I have a couple of questions..

    1) Why would your mom and cousin meet you at the mall and not at your new home ??

    2) Why would your mom take the trouble of dropping you till the home if she was unwell .. and not step into your new home to say hello to your "DH" and others?

    OP .. you have to understand that these are "incorrect / inappropriate choices" made by adults around you..that too early on in a new relationship..

    regarding the money matters .. stay out of it and say you had no say or did not choose one thing over the other...

    you are newly married and probably very young to understand the inricacies of these situatioins and their impact.. let them be.. your husband is good to you .. so focus on building that bond and trust..

    In the mean while if you are really stressed about the extended family (this includes your parents / siblings and ILs / husband's siblings).. start thinking about what is accpetable / not acceptable "you".. when I say "you" its both you and husband as one unit...

    you are building a new home OP.. think you are building it from scratch and set it out the way you visualise it. We all learn from the environment we grew in .. as grown up adults we also have a view of what we need to "unlearn" out of all that we learnt...

    start thinking on these lines..
     
  8. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    IL's had some expectations and it was not realized. So they are unhappy. They feel cheated. It is not clear if your parents deliberately built up any false image or not. It is a common mistake in many marriages. Families do not talk openly and exchange their expectations.

    Unlike many other families, your IL's do not harass you / threaten to divorce etc.
    But they are unhappy.

    You have just started your married life and your DH is taking care of you. It may take some time to build up trust and understanding each other. Meanwhile you are
    homesick too. In my opinion, do not drag controversial issues into your life at this
    stage. Give support to your DH and try to gain respect, trust and confidence. Do not
    add fuel to the existing frictions. You may stay away.

    If you are educated, try to find a job. Things will be much better, If you are financially independent. Their complaint is about money.
     
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  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    So you are not even talking to your parents on phone???

    Do you get to know there well being through someone else like cousins????
     
  10. sanaya

    sanaya New IL'ite

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    I took my husband's permission before going there, all my cousin sister's bua and mummy were coming to that mall to meet each other.
    my mother was having some wound at the back because of diabetes it suddenly started dipping and her clothes become wet from the back, my cousin sister came to house for the first time so she was not aware of where it was and even I was new so was unable to guide her, mom only came to tell her the way. they only wanted to drop me by car safely. it's not that easy to stay happy in these situation i'm scared by there behavior, they don't like me so they always try to hold my husband agaist me .. husband was not allowing me to go to India to meet my parents,it was so hard to convince him that also when we're so far from my IL ..even now he agreed on a condition that i'll live in my parents home for a month n in IL
    house for a month and in that month I'm not allowed to meet my parents not once in a while .. why this condition ? do I attach any condition on him ? then why me ? why a girl has to bear this ? demanding in indirect way is wrong .. I can't bear that .. situation is this when I'm not living with my IL what when will start living together? what if they'll not come to my brother's wedding? what if they'll not talk to my parents ever? my parents will never be allowed to come to my new home and meet me? I do skype my parents daily. my family feels like talking to that person whom they gave there part (there daughter) but he don't talk . my parents n brother loves me alot.
     
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