1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Problem With Younger Cosister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Trustcarelove, Dec 12, 2016.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,192
    Likes Received:
    10,217
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Ha... You reminded me of my SIL a few years back when she was newly married and then pregnant.

    I've learnt to accept the differences and uniqueness of each people.
    I am/was like you. A career woman, with little to no help at home. So, I do the household chores, kid's works (literally cooking different dishes to them, bathing, feeding, packing, teaching, playing and putting them to sleep), and some outside works like driving, paying the bills, etc..etc.. in addition to supervise our family business.
    I get help from my H and mom when and where it is needed. But mostly I manage everything singlehandedly and it works well with me.
    I am active, and I have never rested unless I was extremely sick. I traveled, worked and stayed normal during both of my pregnancies and post pregnancies even though they were c-sections.
    I enjoy being active, and I can't stay lazy.

    Whereas my SIL is lazy. She is lazy according to my own standards. But she is normal, and I have seen plenty of women just like her. So, I can't call her lazy, although I am different and I don't like such laid back nature personally.
    When she was pregnant, she literately stopped doing anything. Took complete rest like sleeping or watching TV. She need a full time maid, plus a family member to supervise the maid and her all the time.
    Whenever they visited us, it was me (a working woman) who cooked, and even washed their plates, since she could not even lift the spoon. She acted as if she is too tired. In fact, she believed she is too tired and she suppose to take rest. Perhaps, she is indeed very tired and needed rest. I don't know. I can't criticize her or complain. That's what I've learnt my lessons with her.

    Since she is tired, her husband (my bro) started to over protecting her. He literally behaved like a slave to her, in order to bring their baby safely to this world. He would even spoon feed his wife. The medical history of her doesn't speak anything as such, but she is tired. What to do???

    She is otherwise cool. She is a mom of 2 girls now. A house wife. Even then, she needs full time maids, and a family member to stay with. Else, she can't raise the kids. She needs her H to take complete care of their elder one, as she is busy with the younger one. So, despite of going for work, and doing PP after the work, my bro does a lot of things at home for the kids, like feeding them, putting them to sleep, making bottle milk at mid nights, and diapers when and where it is needed.
    Because she can't.

    Instead of developing hatred, I've learned to accept her as who she is. That's what my bro too did.
    I honestly tried a couple of times to be like her to see whether my H helps or not as my bro. But before my H could notice the difference, I felt bored and became active all over again. Because it is me.

    Now that, whenever my bro and SIL visit us, we order food from outside in use and throw packs. It helps all of us, and save our times. No comments, no complaints.
     
    sindmani, Viswamitra, Sparkle and 4 others like this.
  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,651
    Likes Received:
    23,777
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    No help? No maid servant to help with dishes cleaning or house and bathrooms cleaning? Wow.

    I made idlis last night as older one asked for them. Used two cookers and two idli stands for efficiency.. Was too tired to even soak the idli plates. Now they are dry and sitting on the kitchen counter. If I had a maid, she would grumble and do it. I am my own maid. :(

    One bathroom got used by guests last weekend. Boys... who didn't have proper aim. That bathroom needed deep cleaning and washing the mats. Can't wait for cleaners.
     
  3. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you so much for your valuable comments.

    I am same like you, had 2 csections and one more surgery for removing from fallopian tubes as my essure ( perm BC) procedure went wrong. My youngest who is 3 now was in NICU as there were complications during my surgery. So i didn;t even get the rest i had with my first one for the second one. i drove my car after 10 days of my delivery to pick up my older son from school..and going back n forth to NICU to feed, pump, take care of my lil one...

    Even with my third surgery ( laproscopic) , but still felt the same inside as csection..doctor advised not to carry any weights over 6 punds for 3 weeks, thats the only thing we followed....but i was back to feeding my lil one and taking care of basic stuffs just couple days after the surgery...

    we may be different being active, but i have never even thought of being lazy at someone else's place..yes, my sink is full with dishes atleast couple nights in a week...especially in winter months and when my husband travels out of state for his work..i have had my laundary not folded or ironed for a week- 10 days..but when i go to someone else's place..even my mom's i would make sure to do some minimal things if I can;t be of big help...

    the problem here is, i am not sure if she even know that it is a simple courtesy to offer help...so, leaving the fear of what will happen if i ask, i m going to ask her for help next time when she comes. If she refuses or still doesn't do anything, i have to just make them understand thru my actions..
     
  4. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    488
    Likes Received:
    1,052
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Of course , you shouldn't be expected to run around serving them. But are they really asking you to do all this or your own sense of family code is making you do it .? When I visit relatives , I always tell them please don't make 10 different items, just make some simple food. I am dead serious about that but no one ever listens. They think it's insulting to the guest if the table is not laden with food out of which we can eat only so much. if they were to come home , frankly at max I can make just one or two items.

    What I mean is that people are wired differently. When I stay at my co sisters or my inlays I have this dilemma. I hate spending time in a kitchen. I really ca t bring myself to step into one. So I tell them not to do more than strictly necessary, cornflakes for breakfast is fine, eating out is fine. I am least fussy about anything .i just don't want to do something I am not comfortable in my vacation time . So bottom line, don't go out of your way to do things but accept that you can't expect your co sis to have a simikiar ethic or code as you do.
     
    coolgal123 and ano like this.
  5. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Sure Shreema86, i got you..they dont ask for it...but the problem they dont eat what we make too..for ex:sun morning,..i had no batter for idli or dosai, so i told my husband, I wll just make Upma...for which my BIl said , "AIYo, who will eat Upma no no" ..then my sweet husbnad suggested pongal and sambhar..
     
  6. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    488
    Likes Received:
    1,052
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Next time give them an option for bread and jam , seriously !
     
    momsky and KashmirFlower like this.
  7. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,354
    Likes Received:
    2,655
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, not only your cosister but your BIL and husband all are having relaxing weekend while you slog at the kitchen.

    Surely your cosister and BIL comes every weekend to enjoy your services, if you would not have been so accommodating, they would have stopped coming every weekend long ago. if a person is hardworking and active, that doesnt give right to others to behave lazy.

    Next time dont tell/ask about food menu, just prepare simple food without asking/telling anybody. if they dont eat, dont budge, offer them bread and butter, fruits ,dry snacks,milk (only the readymade options, for which you dont have to cook)...if they still throw tantrum then say to your husband in a mild and polite tone, could you please order something of their choice from restaurant.
    Politely and cheerfully ask your cosis to help you out, could you please cut these vegetables while i prepare tea. could please come in the kitchen and give a stir to the curry while i prepare dough. could you please do this n that while i am doing this...blah blah...
    suggest in a funny way that your husband and BIL should take charge of kitchen for one meal while you ladies take rest and get leave from kitchen.
     
  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,557
    Likes Received:
    1,948
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    Please give them some more options..
    include cereals or bagel too.;)

    you are taken for granted. the more you do they ask more and more...
    as suggested by all, order outside food and use and throw plates, glasses and cutlery. And open that wine bottle too and watch movie as suggested!

    if For kids you just make simple food, if they want they can eat that home made food, sure next time they eat whatever you make.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2016
    momsky likes this.
  9. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,036
    Likes Received:
    1,713
    Trophy Points:
    290
    Gender:
    Female
    Don't ask your DH. Just do upma. If they don't eat... that's up to them. You and children eat the breakfast... if they don't like to eat ask your DH to make a trip to get take out or food delivered. Do this more than once- including your DH everyone will get the message.
     
    momsky likes this.
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,651
    Likes Received:
    23,777
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Wow... there is no "just" about upma in my kitchen. And no one will dare suggest an alternate that takes longer to make. Definitely not sambhar! DH wouldn't suggest another dish. At the most he would look high and low in the fridge and cabinets for things to supplement the upma with.

    Even if I make tea or coffee unexpectedly, weekend guests look suspiciously at the cup when I serve it. : ) I wonder what they say behind me.

    The BIL who is two years older than you saying No no to upma is so pathetic.

    Though your post has made me really hungry for pongal and sambhar. : )
     
    MNR, momsky and coolgal123 like this.

Share This Page