Problem With Younger Cosister

harinideep · Dec 21, 2016

Hi op,so far you have been running away from your marriage problems by adjusting as you don't like facing problems . For one time, you face it aND then see the difference..
Be firm and do things you want to do ... put on the make up .. spend some me time.. this is one life and don't waste your full time for a fellow who does not respect your feelings
1. Don't over work ...tell some excuse .. if you want to stay active do excercise .. never do overwork like make batter for others
2. Don't give up your weekend .. do shopping and whatever you like ... if I was in your place , I Ll do simple cooking and increase the quantity and use disposable plates to avoid dish washing when Co sister comes ... fake illness , find excuses but no overwork .. you are doing things with good heart but they areally not worth it ..
3. Don't give in for demands like ' don't use make up"
4 . TaLk with your parents .. don't give it up.. just because you are a girl , he can't tell you to stay away from parents..
5 .. if he threaten with d word , tell him 'please do it, go ahead'
6. If he,screams , creates problems don't get scared .. move away from the place and don't take things to heart ..
You need to get emotionally detached

soulful · Dec 21, 2016

Rakhii said: ↑

Its the fear of the unknown. Been there. Took that. Took me years to realize I dont need to put up with crap.
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Rakhii, me too... Been there, took that. It's amazing how many 'educated' women go through this $**t from
'educated' men

soulful · Dec 21, 2016

chocolate said: ↑

OP , Time to stand up. You are a smart , educated , independent woman. Your hubby is only milking your fear of all his threatening. Once you stand up ,he will back down. Call his bluff. If he says Divorce say where do I sign. Once you finish your brother's wedding, come and take some strong decisions. Don't do it in India. There in laws support even the most foolish ideas of sons.

Honestly, there are 99% women here who have heard D word atleast once a yr. I heard it last week . Only thing is now I call my husband's bluff of D word and say where do I sign . That settles everything.

Time to brush off and say I am the woman of the house and I have rights. If your hubby says don't apply makeup smile and go on using it. How long can he oppose. 10 times, call your parents. Let him. Take the phone and tell your parents its his usual pattern. Don't you think if he calls your parents for every small thing they will get the tone of conversation that your husband is only trying to intimidate you.

One thing we women do is let men think they are in power and let them make decisions for us thinking about marriage, society .Indian men think we need to be schooled and mentored for marriage survival. What happens after 20 yrs of all this , we still end up being called she was a bad wife. We need to take the power out of their hands to maintain sanity and feel we are smart for decisions. Once we do it , husbands know we are not weak and definitely not puppets in their hands.

Device a plan. Go to India for your brother's marriage. Let the trip go on as planned. Come back and do the needful. Good Luck.
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I like the "call the bluff" part. OP, these are golden words.

Trustcarelove · Dec 22, 2016

soulful said: ↑

I like the "call the bluff" part. OP, these are golden words.
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I like calling the bluff part too. I have thought so many times in my mind to do that...But, what happens immediately he takes action for that..I donno if he does that, there is no point in living with this man...

Joyoflife · Dec 22, 2016

Op you are a very kind person. I truly appricatiate you as a person. But it is so very sad that people around us won't start to appriciate our goodness untill we show them the other side of the coin. Beleive me you are a keeper and your husband needs you a lot more than you need him. This marriage is equally important to him. Knowing you are a very soft person, your husband is just threatening you. He is a bully. If he doesn't go with you to your brothers wedding, do not beg him. Ask him once if says no, do not ask him again. You will enjoy a lot more without him. Once you decide to deal with him all the boldness and courage, you will find all the strength in the world. Approach this issue with careful choice of words and strength. Looks like it's about time to stop making the idli batter for whole family.

KashmirFlower · Dec 22, 2016

Joyoflife said: ↑

Op you are a very kind person. I truly appricatiate you as a person. But it is so very sad that people around us won't start to appriciate our goodness untill we show them the other side of the coin. Beleive me you are a keeper and your husband needs you a lot more than you need him. This marriage is equally important to him. Knowing you are a very soft person, your husband is just threatening you. He is a bully. If he doesn't go with you to your brothers wedding, do not beg him. Ask him once if says no, do not ask him again. You will enjoy a lot more without him. Once you decide to deal with him all the boldness and courage, you will find all the strength in the world. Approach this issue with careful choice of words and strength. Looks like it's about time to stop making the idli batter for whole family.
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And when you stand up that time to deal with stress, be prepared by meeting a counselor beforehand, say couple of months. While talking you will clear your own doubts and help from the counselor needed

chocolate · Dec 23, 2016

Trustcarelove said: ↑

I like calling the bluff part too. I have thought so many times in my mind to do that...But, what happens immediately he takes action for that..I donno if he does that, there is no point in living with this man...
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Men never take action on the D word if we say yes. They just like to hang it on our heads. So they can set fear in us and make us yield to them. Its a way of scaring us that's all. Why don't you say ok next time and see? Initially I used to get scared like you now I just say give me the papers. You need some mental strength to deal with us. Go to wedding meet your family. Then you will get lots of strength.

Until now you listened and feared your husband. Where did that get you. You are still stuck with D word dangling on your head. So why not choose the opposite route and see. You will soon know right. Good Luck.

Rise · Dec 25, 2016

You are being too good.

arpha · Dec 26, 2016

Op,
After reading the entire thread I feel you are a punching bag to everyone on your Husband's side. And to some extent you have put yourself into this situation.
You have been staying alone with your husband abroad since many years and still your hand are tied up with all these unwanted emotional blackmail.
It all started off with your cosis issue and then it turned up into something else.
Take a stand first, it cannot happen with mere shouting and arguments. Think and silently start giving back to each and every one. Start with your cosis and show your BIL and husband what you are capable off.
Show them what will happen if you will back off from what you are doing now.
If your husband starts preaching you on responsibilities ask him if it is enough if only you are responsible.
The best way to make some sense to get into their heads is behaving like them and paying back in their own coin.
Remember this because it is going to give so much peace in your life. I have learnt it in a very hard way

Trustcarelove · Jul 12, 2017

Dear all, I am back again looking to vent out and opinions from you all. I went to my brother's wedding, stayed up in my inlaws place for 10 days on and off, husband spent little more time with them, kids were with me..DH was good in contributing his part in the wedding, i got to stay extra 5 days in my parents place once DH and older son came to US. One thing happened here is my ILs never came to the wedding pointing out their health, the best part is they didn't even ask me once how it went and sorry couldn't come..it was just a cold war b/w us..and the very nice part here is my DH was supportive here and told his parents should have mom and felt sorry to my parents and brother...Since I stayed 5 extra days in my parents place my MIL was showing faces, very rude voice to the point she asked me, why am i calling her??
I felt very hurt, stopped calling them often, just once a week when my DH chats to show the kids online...
My FIL had medical issues and he has to undergo dialysis treatment, then i started calling them again just once a week to check how things are going...

After we came to US, my SIL baby shower happened...they invited like 30 families, Went there, did my job, function went good, came back......In the mean time, I use to check her on atleast 2-3 times a week to see how things are going, how is her health..this has been happening since she got pregnant...

My DH was telling me, we have to go there, stay there atleast 2-3 days to help them...so and so....I kind of told my office too for the leave...The Big day came,..she was in labor, ofcrs they didn't call to tell...when i was calling to check on their doctor appt that day, my BIL told she is into labor and they may go to the hospital that night..i was excited, checking on few times ( BTW, it was a girl, I have 2 boys, I love girl baby, most of my excitment was from that) ...my husband suggested we dont have to go now, we will wait until the baby is born...after the baby is born, my husband told my BIL that we will come ans stay...they said they dont need any help now...and he has 2 weeks off, so no issues..and we can come later to see the baby..

the baby was born on Friday, we couldn't wait any longer, so we went on Saturday and came back the same day..they were in the hospital..ofcrs, if you all thinking, if i made idli batter and cooking,,yes i did...that was the reason we went on saturday, so that i can some food for them and take it...

Baby was born on 16th, I have been regulartly in touch with ny BIL and cosister to see how things were..all i got was everything goign good..

29th, my husband had to go to India on an emergency, bcos my FIL went missing, he went out and didn;t come back for more than 24 hrs...before my husband's first leg of flight was about to leave, we got the news that he came back home...but we decided to stay with his plan and go to India.

July 2nd was baby's 16th day- we as a tradition dont go to pooja room until then, and we dont do punyadhanam, but we just take head bath and wear vasambu valayal and that kind of stuffs to baby...i did just as a simple pooja at home for both the boys just keeping sweet pongal as prasadam...

so, now my BIL wanted me and the kids ( we were alone at home, DH was in india) to come their for the weekend..i Worked on that Monday July 3rd..I hardly get to spend time with my kids, and when my husband is out of town, i usually clean and declutter stuffs after kids go to bed in the night..so, as soon as he was on the flight, my mind was set for that...but i checked with my DH that his brother is calling us and if i had to go there...he said, dont trouble the kids with 3 hrs drive and all..so i told my BIL that i would liek to skip coming that weekend..told him will come the following weeks..

I have not been getting proper response from BIL or my cosister after July 2nd...they dont pick my call, one word reply...

My DH came from India yesterday, told me that they have to move to different state temporarily for visa issues ( LCA issues) and they will come back to where they are now after that is resolved..i told my DH to tell his brother to leave my cosister and the baby at our place until this is all resolved.. ( ofcrs i didn't know anything about them leaving, neither my BIL or cosister told me about it) ..

MY DH called BIL yesterday after he reached and he started accusing my DH that we were not there to help them with the delivery and i didn;t go to the 16th day pooja...

My DH is really fed up of his brother's behaviour and couldn't take up anymore..

Any thoughts or options..this is more a vent.but any suggestions is appreciated.

sorry for the long post.