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Problem With Younger Cosister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Trustcarelove, Dec 12, 2016.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    How many days total are you going to be in India?
     
  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    you have so many good suggestions coming your way. I dont have much to add but wanted to send you hugs. Its so hard to know that the one whom we married disrespects us to the point that "go away and dont come back" comes as easily as "can you grab some soda on your way back from work".
    Thinking of you. Its holiday season. Dont waste your energy on this guy (i wanted to say loser...but whatever).

    Just tell him, "I am not going. This is not up for discussion".
    What is the maximum that can happen? He will prevent you from attendng the wedding. BUT, make sure you put up a show that says you dont care whether or not you are going. Cancelling the trip would mean that he wont be seeing his parents as well. So, I am hopeful he will come around.
     
    soulful and chocolate like this.
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    if your H doesn't want to come to your brothers wedding, just say "Okay",
    as all said, you will enjoy wedding without him more, he looks like a controlling guy, and make sure that you take both kids to the wedding.
     
    guesshoo likes this.
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, be careful with him. He is a kind of person who didnt think twice (assuming) in telling you not to come back. You technically cannot take kids out of the country without specific permission from both parents. If can legally file a case of abduction. Be careful when you play this card.
     
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Its the fear of the unknown. Been there. Took that. Took me years to realize I dont need to put up with crap.
     
  6. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

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    thank you all your for your valuable suggestions. sorry i am unable to reply to each one of you. I am in mixed emotions right now..I know i have been adjusting or unable to tell my thoughts..even if i tell it always ends up in problem and his shouting at me...He feels and says that once a girl is married, she should care about the husband's family and this is her family...Been married and running my own family for 10 years, this here in US is my family is what i feel...so not jsut this trip, in every trip to India in the past or in the future, he told me clearly that 1/4 of the time in my parents place and 3/4 time in his parents place...which i completely oppose...since we go to india once in every 2/3 years , i believe we shoudl split the days equally or he spends more time with his parents and i spend more time with my parents...

    My brother's wedding is a big occassion and i want to be happy myself and i want my parents n brothers to be happy as well. so I have no intention of putting up anything with him. but once the wedding is over, I have to take some stands and decision on each and every thing..

    It is really hard for me to be a doormat..the problem lies in me...because of the fear of his tantrum, shouting, screaming, threatening me to call my parents, using the Divorce word for even the simple things which has to be sorted out by just talkign or understanding each other's feelings....i went with all his plans so far....

    I know for me to live peacefully, i have to put an end to this...These are all my issues..

    * He thinks jotting my opinion in any matter is backtalking
    * it has to be his way in everything
    * I am not allowed to be upset, sad or angry
    * i have to treat his parents and his family like God even though they treated me bad, call me names
    * Ofcourse, I get hysteric and aggresive when my inlaws talks bad about my parents ( if my parents have done anything really wrong, i truly acknowledge it and ask sorry, but it was never the case)
    * he blindly reflect on what his mom says
    * i should do everything at home- manage everything but when i tell my opinion in something, it will not be considered.
    * I can't even morally support my parents ( like discussing their stuff with me, me giving suggestions), for which he will say focus here in your family..
    * he gets me expensive things of his choice ( if i m longing for a jewelry, saree or anythign which likes, i dont get it)
    * I am usually not so much into cosmetics , but keep myself neat and clean...But these days when seeing ppl how presentable they are, i try sometimes...which he ask me not to..I have cleaned lipstick and eyeliner few times before going to a party or an event...
    * he thinks, he is doing me a favor when he takes care of kids ( when i have to work extra hour at office or has for something for myself)
    * always walking on eggshell not knowing what will happen next
    * many more to add..

    I have never been controlling on financial matters with him, we spent around $10,000 on his brother's wedding. Ofcourse its my money too..he use to send money every months but after we bought a house here 7 years back, He will send his parents money whenever there is a need..i never stopped or asked about it... But the way i was treated in his brother's wedding before i pointed out some things..its hard..

    These years, i have been on different faces, being calm, polite, aggressive , told him my thought in many different ways thinking that he would change...but it never happens...

    And i am sure it is not goign to happen.

    Honestly the kids are the only thing which is making me to think to stay in this life so far...But, these days i am worried what will happen to the kids if they grow up in such situation...

    Like i said, i am just waiting for my brother's wedding to be done so that i can make some decision and stand on this.

    You may all think what a fool I am, but that is what it is
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    No, you are not a fool. You are one smart cookie that is just getting ready to come out of life's oven. :)

    What you have described is standard for many Indian women who live in the U.S. You are on the right track. Take things cool till your brother's wedding. After that do some hard thinking. Prioritize and slowly start to make changes. Slowly. Drop the ideas of divorce and kids are the only bright thing in the marriage. 10 years is nothing. You were busy with kids, setting up house, and your job.

    Chin up. This MIL sickness issue and brother's wedding trip will be done by mid 2017. After that, there is time enough to take more charge of your life. Kids get older, more options open up for many things including India trips. You also get older, and wiser.
     
    sumalynux, yesican, Amica and 2 others like this.
  8. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP , Time to stand up. You are a smart , educated , independent woman. Your hubby is only milking your fear of all his threatening. Once you stand up ,he will back down. Call his bluff. If he says Divorce say where do I sign. Once you finish your brother's wedding, come and take some strong decisions. Don't do it in India. There in laws support even the most foolish ideas of sons.

    Honestly, there are 99% women here who have heard D word atleast once a yr. I heard it last week . Only thing is now I call my husband's bluff of D word and say where do I sign . That settles everything.

    Time to brush off and say I am the woman of the house and I have rights. If your hubby says don't apply makeup smile and go on using it. How long can he oppose. 10 times, call your parents. Let him. Take the phone and tell your parents its his usual pattern. Don't you think if he calls your parents for every small thing they will get the tone of conversation that your husband is only trying to intimidate you.

    One thing we women do is let men think they are in power and let them make decisions for us thinking about marriage, society .Indian men think we need to be schooled and mentored for marriage survival. What happens after 20 yrs of all this , we still end up being called she was a bad wife. We need to take the power out of their hands to maintain sanity and feel we are smart for decisions. Once we do it , husbands know we are not weak and definitely not puppets in their hands.

    Device a plan. Go to India for your brother's marriage. Let the trip go on as planned. Come back and do the needful. Good Luck.
     
    coolgal123, soulful, MNR and 6 others like this.
  9. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you Rihana. I have always see(n) my parents work(ed) together in raising their family. So it is hard to accept when my husband treats me bad and I am allowing him to do it.
     
  10. lavi2016

    lavi2016 New IL'ite

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    OP, my advice would be just repeating what many already said here. Follow with caution, make yourself financially secure, if possible having your paycheck to yourself or some kind of savings in your name. Have your own circle of friends, and try to go out with them once in a while. I would give a slight hint to your parents what you are going through, just in case your husband or your in-laws call them, they will be prepared how to handle it.
    Be nice to your inlaws but just stay however long you want to stay there. Sometimes, we just have to ignore, people say few times and when you stop paying attention, they will stop.

    My inlaws and my hubby said that they will call my parents too couple of times, I said go ahead and call, my dad will say he doesn't involve between husband and wife and my fil shouldn't too. My father also slightly hinted during our india visit If my hubby has any concerns with me or our life we should be going to some counsellors who are professional and can deal with these situations. Naturally, as any indian guy never wants to go to counseling and since the threat didn't work there ended the matter.

    As long as divorce is concerned, if he really means it, you can't stop it no matter what you do.
    You can only clap with two hands, both need to equally want to have the marriage, if he wants to get out, then it only adds resentment on his side that he is doing a favor to you by staying in the marriage.
     
    KashmirFlower and MNR like this.

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