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Problem with parents after marriage

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by LaxmiKumari, Feb 22, 2012.

  1. LaxmiKumari

    LaxmiKumari New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    This is my first post in IL. I am not good in writing so pls adjust....
    My bigger problem now is my parents.

    I got married before 1 year and i dont have any children.

    My family is a middle class family and i am the only daughter to my parents.
    when I was young, I understood my family situation and adjusted to that. My parents fought with their in-laws and got separated to take care of me with full freedom. So much bad situation we met, i didnt understand anything as i was a child but I understood that my parents take care of all the problems only because of me. They finished my marriage after a lots of search and lots of problem. for eg, they sold their house because for my marriage and gave dowry. No one knows it. They love me a lot than any thing. I was also like that. But i am wondering now where the love went????

    My mother - if she want anything that has to be happen at that time itself.
    My fater - Not taking care of anything and watever my mother says he will accept, if not a big fight will happen

    I was also like my fater and no problems came before my marriage.
    The problems starts after my engagement.

    I didnt enjoy my love before marriage with my hubby because of my mom.
    I know that watever she wants has to happen but how can my future family accept this? hence the problem starts.

    My mom asked me to stop the marriage as my in-laws are very rude. And I love my hubby very much I convinced my parents like all will get well and after so much of problems my marriage went well.

    After 2 months of marriage I came to my mom's house that disliking the marriage life. As because I only heared my mom's advice. My parents complaint me a lot about my in-laws and my husband. And my husband also told that he wont speak with my parents as because my parents didnt respected his parents and a big fight happen and i told that If you are not okay with my parents and I wont be with you etc etc and i came to my mom's house.

    So much of brain wash did by my mom to take divorce and atlase he came to my home and cried a lot like he wants only me he cant live without me etc. I just went with my hubby and earned my parents anger.

    My parents told that ur happiness is important to us, your wish is our wish etc.
    the good news is my hubby started speaking with my parents a little after that fight.

    my parents and his parents are not speaking usually. If my parents speaks, then his parents also speak. But my parents expecting everytime to them to speak which they are not ready to speak and vice versa.

    We and our in-laws are not together because of work location.

    My mother-in-law - very supportive to me and some times sure she is showing her in-laws facts and its okay i can adjust.
    My fater-in-law - no problem with him

    My husband - What ever his mom says he will accept without any question. He will tell everything to his mother. for eg, if we went to market, wat and we purchased at what price, using cash or sudexo, hw much time we spent there, wat and all i asked, he refused and he bought, all those things.
    In one year of marriage life, he didnt purchase a saree for me. I was asking for long time and at last, my in-law told to purchce a saree for me, then that week itself i got it.

    my MIL know wat is happening here minute by minute and my dates also. I am afraid whether he is telling our bedroom secrets also.
    I cried, fought, etc... like not to tell everything..... he is telling watz wrong with it.... I cant explain it.

    My character is like not to expect anything. I wont ask anything from my heart. If he gives then it is okay if he didnt give that is also okay for me. We wont go to hotels, beech, movies, We wont go out. That is no problem for me.

    Now my parents especially my mom is forcing me to ask this that and forcing me to go out which i am not able to tolerate. If i ask him then also it will be no.
    for example, my parents gave me a gold coin on my first year diwali and another for my bday. now she is forcing me to do any ornemants in that. I asked my husband and he told that will do it after some months. but my mom is telling do it now only. wat to do.

    I dont want to fight with my husband. After a lots of trouble, I can see some changes with my husband. Now he is reasonable and i am okay with that. wat ever is here i am okay with it. my mom is not understanding anything. always asking me to ask so many things and to do so many things which i cant do it here. Now a days i started lying to my mom like i did tat i did this.

    But for ornaments, going out and all I cant lie. She is always anger in my family and using bad words and which i am not able to tollerate. i am not able to share my happiness with my mom as because she converted that happiness also to sad, she brain-washing me like, my husband and my in-laws are bad, they are acting in front of you dont believe that etc etc

    The only thing with my husband is that he is not allowing me to go to my mom's home alone as he is afraid of my mom's brain-wash and he is afraid that I will leave him. But i wont. By any way I am seeing my parents atleast once in a month. But my mom is forcing me to come alone there and stay for some days. which he is not accepting.

    truely speaking, myself is not interested to go to my native. I am wondering how things got changed within one year.

    I understood that my mom is more possive in me and she is not able to tollerate my love spliting to my husband and my in-laws. I understood that. But sometimes her word hurting me a lot.

    If i am speaking this, she is telling that and vice versa. So sometime i am not at all speaking and keeping silence and that is also not accepted.

    I dont know wat to do with my mom and how to speak with her. Sometimes i told this to my husbandand he is mis-understood my parents and he is not accepting the possiveness. and so I am not telling anything to him.
    sorry for this big summary. I dont know how to cut-short this.

    Pls pls pls pls help me in this.....

  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yep....see you were so specific when you mentioned about how your husband tells everything to his mom and his mom makes decisions for him. but arent you also in the same path?? its much worse for you because your mom wants you to separate from your husband.

    Doesnt matter what the reasons are..first handle whats in your hand..i.e your parents,

    As you are the only daughter, yep be in touch with your paernts, visit them...but REMEMBER to be strong and put down your foot when your parents talk crap abo ut your husband/inalws.Tell them now they are also your family and you dont like to hear bad about your husband/inlaws. they are nice people and are treating you well. every marriage has small issues and we have to deal with the issues not run away by separating.

    If your husband was a drunkard or beating you or making your life hell becuase your parents are not talking to his parents etc..etc...then things could have been diff. but even in those situations. decision has to come from you....not from your mom on what you can/cannot take.

    Please STOP being a mommys pet and stop running to your parents iwth issues related to your marriage. You can run to people who can think and solve issues for you.....you cannot run to people who will make a mountain out of nothin...such people will ruin your marriage and mental peace. so do not share your marital issues with your parents. tell your husband and giv ehim that confidence that you will not let anyone come between both of you and you will never disrespect him or his parents infront of your parents. and situations that happened in past will never be repeated.

    Give him that confidence and visit your parents and stick to your words. do not tlak about your husband/inlaws.just enjoy your stay iwth your parents. do shopping or visit temples or relatives. eat food made by your mom. enjoy what you liked to do as a kid with your parents. thats it. no more talks on what your MIL did/said or how your husband runs to his mom etc..nope..nope and nope.

    Once you tackle your parents thats when you can talk aobut fixing your husbands habit of running to his mom. first handle your own issues. eventually he will see how you changed and he too will growup.
    sindmani, RJMK, jogu07 and 4 others like this.
  3. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    again a perfect example of how not only inlaws but parental interference can spoil relationship between husband and wife ! grow up girl ! its ur life dont let ur mom or mom in law decide what to do !
    sindmani and jogu07 like this.
  4. jogu07

    jogu07 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Laxmi,

    U know wht, once u r married u got to learn to balance, parents at both the ends along with ur DH...U cannot let down either of the two....And to be honest the best way is to handle everythin and everyone diplomatically....!!!:)

    Also, remember that u shud never (most of the times) do not share what is happening at both the ends that is do not share what is happening at your PIL's place with ur parents and vice versa....I mean I know everybody is different to be on a safe side atleast I practice this cause I got to balance both...I want tht my parents should respect my PIL's and my PIL's to respect my parents...Else u will be sandwiched either which ways trust me....

    I would say handle ur mom with a diplomatic approach in the sense tht talk to her staright but in a subtle way so tht even she doesnt feel bad cause after all she is ur mom and surely wants u to be happy.....When u go to ur mom's place, tell her abt all the nice things ur PIL's and DH do for u, be happy and content, once she knows tht ur happy, mayb she will stop interfering....try it out...

    Meanwhile, do not tell ur DH whtever ur mom tells u, mayb ur mom is askin u to do these things for u sake, assumin tht u r not happy for somethin however when u share it with ur DH, he make take it in the wrong sense(highly possible)...

    Once u get over this, u can start with sharin a closer bond with ur DH....Trust me start it rite away and u will notice the difference...

    Do not worry, stay happy, positive and calm....U know God helps those who help themselves...It is u who needs to start the engine...!!!:thumbsup

    Good Luck and God Bless...!!!
    1 person likes this.
  5. mums

    mums Platinum IL'ite

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    Good your at least accepting your mom s politics in your married life........many wont accept their own parents bad influence. Tell your mom, she has already spent a lot for the marriage(by selling house, dowry....) and its your responsibility to value their hard work and stay happily married with DH (since he is taking good care of you).

    Never tell your moms brain washing technique to your DH.......in future he may not allow you to meet them.

    Since your the only daughter, she might be missing you........call her regularly and inquire about her health and about her day.

    Don't bad mouth about your MIL or DH with her.

    Yes as fellow Ilites mentioned----do tell her you are happy and your fine with your DH and MIL.
    2 people like this.

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