Problem with mother

Prettywoman73 · Jan 23, 2012

Hi all
I have an ok relation with my mother. Actually when we were small .( we are two sis and bro). My athai who is handicapped used to take care of us. My parents were working. So actually speaking they were hardly there for us. My aunt used to cook things for us , stealthy send our servant to buy things which we lke to eat from out .. In all was like a mother to us . .. My mother used to only teach us and may be take us out .. Infact I think she was compensating her lack of time with us by buying us things, chocolates etc.. Material things but I don't remember her having showered us with love.. She was busy with work even if she had time she spend in kitty party etc.. I mean literally speaking she was hardly there for us physically and emotionally ..
Most importantly that motherly love was missing . Her needs were above us .. Time passed by my parents got all of us married. She left her job after my sis marriage since my father would not keep well .. Now after our marriage she is suddenly expecting all of us to devotetime and share things with her . In short be close with her.. Which is not the case with me.. Suddenly overnight ,
we have never had a close relation . But that is not the issue.
how can I suddenly be close when I have never had such a relation

My bro got married and my bhabi realized that we sis have no say in our house and she took advantage of the situation and started establishing a close relation with my mom . Now my mom believes, trust her more than us . So much so she is like her daughter now and we are just like guest. My bhabi started even talking I'll about us nd my athai who took care if us and my mother would not bother she believes every thing about whatever she says initially my bhabi used to stay along with my mom ( that time she would complain about my moms nature to us) now she is staying away from them due to my bro job and still maintains a close relation with mom ... My mother too started taking info about my family like my inlaws, kids etc and share nothing about my bros family.. Insense my mom started sharing info with my bhabi telling what xyz is going on at my place or my sis place but tell us nothing about my bro house.
This time I c,dnt wish my bro daughter on her b'day since my phone was not working and last yr I forgot. My bhabi made a mountain of this issue and complained to my mom now she is too making a issue of this. I smsed my bro for the delay but still.
I am staying abroad and once in a while I talk to my bro and bhabi but as a elder bro my bro never calls me. If there is anything related to my brother and bhabis family and I forget to do I get good scolding from my mom saying you are not being good with bhabi etc..
I had to tell this background ..since the issue now is what should I do . My relation with mom was already okie doie now I have totally lost the little bit love I had. I am now just like fulfilling my duty if any as a daughter but I have become totally heartless . Is it wrong.. I have stopped sharing any info about my family just tell her things r ok even if there are ne problems.How to tackle my bhabi? My brother too behaves strangely and trust his wife.

teacher · Jan 23, 2012

Your post has a couple of things-
you had a caring adult in your childhood...which is a good thing. You shouldn't have to defend your relationship with your athai.

Changing from a full time job to a slower pace of life may be difficult for your mom...whether she is right or wrong in asking you to fill that slot is different.

It is inevitable that when two people live near each other the maybe closer..they get to spend more time together. The only way to stop 'she said, he said' interactions is to refuse to participate in it. When you don't rise to the bait it will spike before it calms down. So stick with it. (you maybe doing this already...in that case over look my reiteration)

Relationships tend to ebb and flow..there will high points and low points. You don't have to feel guilty about how you feel towards your mom but also try not to get caught up in that cycle of 'you owe me..i don't.' It can drain you emotionally. There may be other times in the future where she steps up for you...it won't make up for your childhood but it will have a role in your life.

A lot of people struggle with the difference in what should be and what is...try your best not to get pulled into conflicts others create.

flowerlady · Jan 25, 2012

Now that you have a family of your own you should back away from your parents , brother and SIL . Let them do as they will, since your parents are staying with brother SIL its good that they get along. Its nice that your Mom treats SIL like a DD.
Whatever happened in your childhood is coloring your view right , maybe you resent your Mom showering her love on SIL and not you as she has more time now.
But you should understand that a working lady with a full time career cannot be physically present in her childs life, at least you had your aunt to pamper you , so many kids are sent to creches and day care centres.
Regarding keeping SILs family happy , do they wish you on your special days?
Please be happy that at least you dont have to worry about your aged parents , they are getting along fine with their DIL.
Try to be friendly with SIL and make your Mom and brother happy, it will give you great satisfaction, try it.Or ignore them totally.

aries1204 · Jan 27, 2012

Hi,

I am little confused here ..you are telling that it is difficult for you to be close to your mother as she never shared a bond with you. Your Mother tried to be close and wants to know all the details of your life you are being defensive but at the same time you dont want her to be close to your SIL who may be sharing everything with your mom.

Think from your mothers point of you... I am sure it was not easy for her at that time to work as well as take care of her kids like how all the other housewives were taking care.
We were spoiled by our mothers as they had a lot of time to devote to us but I am sure I cannot do all the stuff my Mom used to do to us to my kids as I work full time.

What should your mom do now.. ..she tries to be close with her daughter but you are not ready ..she tries to be close with her DIL and you are still not happy.... she is retired and she needs to be close with someone when you cannot be the person then let it be your SIL.

Priya16 · Jan 27, 2012

I got to tell my aunt story.She had 2 kids and her husband never been a responsable person to earn money.And was working all her life from morning 5AM to 10PM.Finally she had to listen from there kids that you didn't take care of us well when you were young.

But anyway in your case,your mom atleast provided house for attai and give her own children.It's hard to do for many other women.Emotional attachment with you,some people are not good at it.May be your mother just one of them.

Good thing is ,she left her job and taking for her husband.And top of it she is being nice to her DIL.So overall she seems to be a good person to me.She did whatever she could in her ability.

It's upto you,you wanted be close to her not.You just have one life and one mother.

flowerlady · Jan 27, 2012

One should remember that its not easy for a Mom to leave her kids and work , she also has guilt pangs.
Another thing kids forget that their life would have been different if Mother had not worked. She went to work thats why they are what they are today.
Its easy to grumble and resent parents once we grow up.
Its good that OPs Mom has a great relationship with her DIL , after all they are staying together. It would have been tough if her Mom was on bad terms with her DIL .
It appears that OPs Mom is a good lady who did all she could for her kids , its sad to see her efforts to fill the gap coming to a zero.
Please do accept the olive branch and be a big happy family , why separate yourself from them?

Prettywoman73 · Jan 27, 2012

Hi ladies
Thanks for your reply.. But few clarifications..
1)my mom went to work not because of any financial obligations we were well to do she went just to get herself occupied and she didn't have the patience to take care of four kids . Yes we were 4 I had a brother too who was mentally retarted and he expired soon.
2) when my mom left her job and she felt she had ample time she began to get close to us .. I reciprocated inspite of the fact that during her working life she was never there for us . I still shared all my initial hiccups of my married life ... She guided me well. No regrets on that ..
I know it's difficult for a working woman to spend time.. She was working in a govt bank with fixed hrs 8-4 back home . She would spend time on the tv, or over the phone, or go out with friends sometimes take or take our studies, finish dinner. But no quality time .. Things were like just duties done.
3) when my sil came she began to get close her and started treating us daughter's as guest... My sils secrets were secrets and our we daughters secrets were no longer scerets . The whole world knew things going on in our place.
4) my aunt who took care of us became a villain.. Instead of being happy and thankful for taking care of her own kids inspite of being handicapped my aunt can't walk she has polio . Acc to me she just used her forconvienience since my aunt was unmarried becuz of polio. She started I'll treating her like a villian telling you stole my kids now they are not getting close to me ... When her dil came she ousted my aunt from the house to her co sis house so that her dil doesn't get close to her be close just to my mom .
5)my mom used to teach us when we were kids but I was pretty much bad in maths she used to bang my head against the wall and teach if I didn't understand anything . At one occasion she has also burnt my sis hands with a dosai karandi kept on fire because she back answered...

My aunt was not too literate but she was little smart since she studied till 8th if there was something that I didn't understand she would teach me with love not hitting.. Like this...
You all still think she is a good woman.

All said and done but the way she treats and treated my aunt hurts me..
She uses my aunt just for her convenience my aunt is very good in making all southindian savoury . My aunt used to make all savourys for Diwali etc my mom would just distribute saying she did..
Now that we got married and my aunt too felt lonely .. She asked us to help her in starting some business since my parents were ill treating her after we got married . She was financially and phys delendent on someone ..When I ventured to help her start one my mom fought with me saying .. She is old no need to help her. Let her lie in one place .. Let her be happy that she at least has a place to live..
When things got too much my aunt also insisted she be sent to a old age home or something my mom refused that too . Why her prestige will get affected and everyone in my family knew that she us with her e,der bro tomm if they know that she has been sent to a old age home people will start talking I'll about my dad so she denied permission for that too.
Would you still call her a good woman...
Inspite of all this...I am still there if my mom needs me.. But with just a sense of duty not with any sense of Ttachment or love.. I am there for her because .. Just that she kept me for 9mnths as a mother, she found me a good husband, she educated me , provided me with material comforts, she did her duty of raising me...

teacher · Jan 27, 2012

You are right PW. It is more important for parents to develop sustaining emotional relationships with their children.

Looking at your situation..
Do you keep in touch with your athai? You can do that no matter what the expectations are from anyone else. It can be used as a leverage in emotional conflicts bu you can go about that without allowing the other person a say. You don't need your moms permission to help your a thai...can you two sisters join hands and do that? If your mom starts any drama, do the deed and tell her. And you have every right to say that she must keep out of your relationship with your aunt. Much as I love my mother, she cannot decide who I relate to or help. What is needed is a bit of independent action on your part.

The 'playing favorite' way of dealing with children is one way some people learn interpersonal relationships. She may have been raised in a similar envt and may not see anything wrong with that.

As for the situation with your mom and sil, you have the choice of staying out of it. If you are also circumspect in what you share with her you can lead relatively stress free lives.

As for what is owed or what should have been, she may have other points of view. In that case it is better to agree to disagree and carry on with your lives. What is required is a bit of detachment...

If you confront her, then you have to be prepared for the consequences...major fights may result in cutting off relationships...are you prepared to handle that? plus such an action may impact your siblings as well...it could get much bigger.

If you divert your energy into other fulfilling relationships and activities, at some point your mom and sil will stop the manipulation (if that is still exists). Then You may be able to develop a more meaningful relationship between the two of you.

teacher · Jan 27, 2012

Don't analyze if your mom was good or bad...accept that she is human.

And take your own steps for your aunt. You don't need anybody's permission.

flowerlady · Jan 27, 2012

Today many ladies are working just because they want to and not due to financial needs.
The babies are sent to creches, both parents have full working days and no time to spend on their kids though they have lots of money .
Your childhood memories are colored because you feel that she did not give you expected motherly love.
Let bygones be bygones, be a good loving Mom to your own kids.
It hurts to read the above description. But why spoil your present for the past? Keep cordial terms with your Mom .
You can help your aunt to set up a business if you wish, just say you want to help her as she had looked after you in childhood.
Let your Mom shower her love on her DIL and ensure a good old age.