problem with investing - really a problem?

Dear ILites,
I am in an embarrassing and difficult situation. I shall try to describe it as crisply as possible. Thanks in advance for reading it!

My husband and I live here with our 1.5-year old girl. My husband is the sole earner. We support his parents and younger brother who live in India. As far as our life in the US is concerned, I have great financial freedom. We together decide what needs to be spent, bought, etc. But, when it comes to investments, it is a totally different story. My husband sends lumpsums to India for use by my in-laws and for investing. We rarely talk about savings here (we dont save except the minimum in US). My husband informs me he sends XXXX dollars to India (monthly about 70% of his take-home sal and benefits). My fil takes money for their expenses (he gets pension too, but that is not enough, I guess) and invests in FDs, stocks, mutual funds, etc. in the names of my husband, my mil & himself. These things my husband and fil discuss and do. My husband now and then informs me of what is being invested. Till now, I haven't been objecting to their doings.

But these days, I am getting uneasy. We have got some big lumpsums like benefits, arrears of my job (I dont work anymore), etc. I started showing my concern to my husband about that being properly invested & showed him the info I gathered about financial planning. My husband told me that I need not bother about it and that his father is there to take care of it. I dropped the matter there.

I must say that my in-laws are respectable people and really good at managing the finances themselves. They spend carefully and dont live luxuriously. Still, sometimes, I see some differences in some situations how they handle money and how we handle. Like, they help their siblings with loans of lakhs (and get interest on that). I must mention that my in-laws, esp. fil is a reliable person when it comes to money. He would not invest without my husband's concurrence. No secrets between them. But is that reason enough to let things be managed by him?? I must admit that I have felt uncomfortable financially on a couple of occasions - like,
1. When he asked my husband if he can put my sign to get back a matured FD (reason fil gave: the bank staff had advocated that approach because I am his family member and I wouldnt complain). I outright rejected to my husband saying that I will sign it when I go to India, or he can send that by post. This angered my husband.
2. When my fil asked my husband if I had transferred my Scooty to his name (the vehicle which I had bought before marriage). They even planned to give it away to my sil without telling me and raked up a huge fight.
3. When he asked my husband why I did not bring with me the savings I had before marriage.
(I have informed my husband that I will add his name as a nominee to my old bank account in India, to settle the problems we had in this regard.)

My in-laws put such ideas into his head and my husband sides them and fights with me. So, I am in two minds about my in-laws financial handling. Sometimes, I chide myself for fearing the worst, because my fil really saves for our future (as he says & he shows me the documents sometimes) but at other times, esp. after reading other threads over here, I feel I am being naive and inactive.

Actually, I have mentioned these things a little while seeking your advice on another matter in my earlier thread. But since there were other pressing problems, I let go of this one till now. Many ILites told me that my husband is immature and that I must show him an example by behaving maturely myself. Some of you encouraged me to find a job and show him how I manage my finances myself. Well, that isnt happening. I have been looking out for one for a couple of months, but no success yet.

My husband thinks he is doing the right thing because
- he wants all investment to be made in rupees as they yield more interest. Also, it is easy if his father does them, because still many things cant be done on internet with Indian banks/companies.
- investing in his father's name gives more interest & less tax because he is an old-age citizen
- all along it has been his father who has been handling things, and he would feel that changing things now would make way for them to comment that he has changed after marriage, throw tantrums, etc.
- it works smoothly, so why change?

I feel my husband (& I) are more to blame than my in-laws, because it is my husband who is allowing things to happen this way. Isnt it?

My husband is in favour of the jont family system and respecting his parents wishes (who by the way like investments being made in their name). My husband is a religious follower of his parents. To make them feel at ease, he does silly things like merging my jewels and their jewels when we put them into the locker (yes, in-laws and we share the same locker). On another occasion, he got terribly offended when I took stock of my jewels and told me that that is wrong, that his parents would be offended if they know that (??!!!??). He told me that I feared that my in-laws would hand over my jewels to my sil.

So, when I speak about finances, he would certainly take guard and restart making the old accusations that I am trying to split his family, that I am not behaving as ideal wife/dil, etc. Another major worry I have is that he accuses my family of giving me suggestions to speak up against him. He wrongly thinks that my parents are behind the issues that crop up between us. (Needless to say his accusations are false). He mistakes them to be behind the moves that I take after getting advice from IndusLadies (like speaking up for my rights, arguing with him, etc.).

After reading many people's doings and experiences here, what I want to happen is:
1. All investments should be in either/both of our names. Not in in-laws' names hereafter. (I am also puzzled how they can invest in my husband's name without his signature... is it possible?? Can someone educate me?)
2. We should hand over money to in-laws for their expenses periodically. They should not be taking how much ever they want on their own.
3. We should invest ourselves without any middleman.

My questions:
1. Am I wrong in expecting these things? Or am I being paranoid? Would it really amount to splitting the family, esp. because his family is a close-knit family? I respect my in-laws and dont want to create problems unnecessarily.
2. Is it imperative to solve this problem now? Or can I wait further? Till may be I get a job?
3. How to speak to my husband without hurting him? How do I make him understand what is the right thing to do?
(I have noticed that my husband learns from examples, of other people. If he sees many other people doing things a particular way, he would oblige. One good idea is asking him to read your replies, but I am unsure of that move...)
4. What are the ways to invest in mutual funds & FD's of small banks (my fil finds out attractive schemes of banks which may not offer internet banking) sitting here?

I am stuck up thinking about the pros and cons. My husband is a very, very sensitive person. I dont want to upset him and strain our relationship. He keeps alluding to the past bad times sometimes, still, and blames me. So, is it worth the trouble bringing up this finance issue now? I want you people to advise me how serious this thing going on is. My husband and I are just limping back to normal after a huge rift last year during our India visit. I am very particular that I should not be destroying the peace we have now. People here have advised me to practice discretion... how do I do it now?

Thanks a lot for your patience and in advance for your advice.
Sandhya

 

Dear ILites,
Thanks to each one of you for reading my post and giving your suggestions.

I have formed the following things to do, based on all your suggestions.
1. Politely ask my husband (not now, but at the right opportunity) about how to get funds in case of emergency.

In our next India visit (at least after 6 months from now)

2. Eventually, make an updated balance sheet (we have one already) and keep track of the money. This needs inputs from my fil, so I think we can do this only next time we go to India.
3. Property in our name - very good idea.
4. Get an NRE joint account in my & husband's names.


ASG, speaking to my husband and getting things done is not as easy as you think. It has taken us 6 months to get over the rift we faced last year. Had I spoken to my husband about this earlier, he would have shown me the door. I agree with the remainder of your post. Esp., that I should know what is going on in India...

Malyatha, I see what you mean. Yes, I feel it is not yet time to speak to my husband about this. I completely agree with you that I should not act in a hurry and repent later. I am searching vigourously for a job. And I am still in 2 minds about my in-laws intentions, though I am inclined to believe them. But reading your response many times made me really think... Are my in-laws really trustworthy??
And, I am 100% sure my husband has not given any POA to anyone.

Visu, yes, that is what is happening. The money we send to India "seems to be" pooled together with my fil's pension. I have no idea what he does with his pension, but I am sure that it isn't enough for them. My husband does NOT mind if my in-laws mix up our savings with their money. This is the basic problem. To him, his parents are more important than me and he would accept whatever they do.

To be more precise, the earnings of my husband (the greatest contribution), my fil & myself have gone into the purchase of the current house they occupy in India. Similarly, when they lend money to others (relatives), fil uses both their savings and the money we send.

My in-laws spend on everything ranging from their expenses, bil's education to gifts for sil's family (my fil also saves in the names of my sil's children...), etc. And some things which I personally dont like - like visits to astrologers, "parihara" they suggest (really expensive), etc. And of late, on my fil's siblings and their children too. It is not really possible to know which money he spent (whether his own or what we send)...

Yes, we have online banking and NRO account and all those stuff. But still this is what happens. My fil quotes tax worries for splitting up the money and investing in different banks/schemes (& in his/mil's name). Hence this confused setup of mixed finances.

My fil says that my husband is irresponsible & would waste money (which is not true). That is another reason he is involving himself to this extent. My fil has told me long back he maintains accounts of everything, and I have been believing him. But what worries me is some of their statements and behavior - like my mil proclaims to the world she bought some jewels which in fact we purchased. They tell us that the house my in-laws had built is for their daughter (because her in-laws "expect" it!) while the house which my husband purchased (with about 10% contribution from my fil, which is way below the worth of their own house) is for my husband!!! I am not at all interested in inheriting my fil's property, but What I want to know is - does their behavior present any red flag to you people? My mil is again interested in pooling the money and getting another house - "we" would have to repay the loan, but she has already opined that she wants the house to be in her name.

Tell me, am I missing the red signals and just being naive? Or, would implementing the 4 points I stated at the beginning of this post be enough?

Regards,
Sandhya