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Problem with Big-inlaws family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by cutesmile09, Dec 20, 2011.

  1. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Today i have come here for a solution to a problem with my big-inlaws(my fil's elder bro's family),I am 16weeks pregnant now,my big fil passed away 6months back so my mom doesn't want me to have dinner in their house(though i visited them once for tea) but they r inviting me for dinner since few days and i am giving health as excuse and postponing it but they r insisting on tht like anything,my mom is saying tht i can have dinner at their place atleast after my seemantham function which is in next month but i think till tht time this people will keep on bothering me& will surely be angry on me(which they r already)...I cant reveal the actual reason as they will create big drama for this,my inlaws are supporting me but they cant support me openely in front of them,though i dont believe this custom, i dont want to hurt my mom as i knw she is my well-wisher and these people dont hve sense tht they shdn't trouble a pregnant lady:bonklike this..

    Pls let me knw how shd i handle this,iam really getting stressed out with this..
     
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  2. swekiran

    swekiran Silver IL'ite

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    do what you believe. you can convince them by saying that i will come after seemantham or tell that u r doc has advised you not have journeys till 5 months. as u r pils are on u r u can take their help....
    congrats on u r pregnancy even i am 16 wks pregnant and gonna have seemantham next month.
     
  3. inlovewithmylyf

    inlovewithmylyf Platinum IL'ite

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    Do not worry about what they will think... Right now, ur baby is important to u, so you need to do what u feel is right... Even ur in-laws are supporting u... Thats good... Ask them to give some excuse to ur FIL's brother's family so that u can stay away for sometime...
     
  4. spuppala

    spuppala Gold IL'ite

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    Take the help of your in-laws in framing a good excuse.but I guess thay are not doing this wantedly to you.They should have felt it customary to invite you for dinner as you are pregnant .so don't scold them in your mind and tackle it nicely.Tell her that you are not feeling well for few days and having cramps in your body.You MIL or FIL should be able to help you as they will be more concerned about the well being of their son's baby..
     
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    There was a similar thread...should I attend my moms last rites since my MIL feels its not good for my son since he didn't have his mundan yet. The over whelming majority of FB was ..go for it. Now the situation is reversed .Mom doesn't want to you to go for a dinner in inlaws side during pregnancy...quoting a similar custom.

    If u personally see no rationale in these kind of customs and ur FILs elder brothers family who has passed away (6 months ago!!) is inviting u for dinner... I see no reason why you shouldn't attend just because your mom wont be happy about it. You wouldnt like it if u DH did something without believing it himself just to appease his mom ...would u?
     
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  6. lakshmilife

    lakshmilife Junior IL'ite

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    Follow your instincts do as per your wish.Customs and tradition are vicious cycle the more deeply one gets involved the more dos and dont.Remember one thing you cannot at all time keep all of your loved ones around you happy.So be rational in ur approach.
     
  7. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Think about it other way. Suppose if your side of family invited you and your in law says NO, will you get angry. Sure you will be angry at your MIL. You will think that MIl is nasty and stopping you to attend the dinner party. If they are elders and if they invited you, go. After they are also your family. What does your MIL say??

    I dont why your mom doesn't want you to go to your husband's uncle's house?

    Take care of your health. That is more important than seemandam and family problems.
     
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  8. IlovemyMom

    IlovemyMom Gold IL'ite

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    If you are comfortable in going and if you don't believe such things go ahead. Else tell them that you'll come after seemantham.
     
  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Cutesmile,

    Customs and traditions should be practised to make people happy and to comfort them during hard times.

    First of all you say this is your fil's brother's family. So if you really wanted to adhere to social customs and traditions, your in-laws and you and your bh's uncle all belong to the same family unit - going by gothra etc. What if you were living in a joint family? Would not eat there? How do you think your fil will feel about his brother's family being sidelined just because his brother is no more?

    Secondly you say you do not believe in all these traditions. Then why do you agree to follow something that will hurt somebody's feelings? OK, you do not want to hurt your mother's sentiments. Great. But do you have to inform her where you are eating every meal? Just go, eat, bring some joy into the lives of a bereaved family (they will shower you and your baby with good wishes and blessings) and don't mention it to your mom.

    At some point in life, as adults with the capacity to think for ourselves, we need to do what seems right to us. Respect and love for our parents/pils is fine, but it should not be confused with allowing them to run or remote control our lives for us.

    Just my opinion.
     
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  10. sushmavja

    sushmavja Platinum IL'ite

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    cutesmile,
    you are a part of your in-laws family..so i think your elder Pils are a part of your family as you take their name after marriage..so you are not seperate from them so you can attend if you have no second thoughts as your mom suggested.
     

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