Problem in Marriage

sanjana · May 15, 2014

This time if he slaps you , give back the punch at him. He might become more aggressive but you need to set your limit . Do something which might shock him. In the start of my marriage my husband also used to punch or even drag me and accused me of not applying for jobs. But then i also started punching him back and didnt talked to him for days . I used to show my bruises to MIl and others but when they asked the reason i totally said i got it myself in front of him.

I intentionally showed him emotional movies or serials (usually MTV like - Halla bol , Webbed , emotional attyachar) to make him feel guilty by himself. English- Vinglish movie also helped. Slowly he started respecting me and we both agreed we will not hit each other again. Just talk by mouth. I also showed him how this attitude of violence can effect child .

After few months i realized where this all violence came from, he was abused badly by his parent , his father and mother literally thrashed him with bat and other things. So we talked nicely that we will not bring this violence to our life.

beingloved · May 15, 2014

A doctor about to start residency tolerating emotional & physical abuse..!! Not done at all. Please respect the education your parents have provided and made you capable to stand for your rights and your dignity..! Please set a good example for thousands of ladies who suffer abuse because they are not educated/ financially independent!

Please stand up for yourself.. I don't think domestic abusers ever change!

VaniVyas · May 15, 2014

May be I am too blunt. But I don’t think that there is a need to further compromise with this guy. How is h e otherwise?? Does he treat you with love, give your gifts etc.

mnoo · May 15, 2014

Dear all,

I appreciate the advice and support, but I would like to clear a few things.

- My husband is a very caring person. Thats why it comes as something as a shock, the first time slap. He knows he is caring too and he has used that as a bargaining chip to get me to stop my 'sulk'. However the last time, I wasnt prepared to hand over my self-respect just because he was super-caring. We had a few words and I told him that all his care counts for nothing. He, as predicted got pretty upset about that and now plays the role of a martyr.

He is a hardworking and his colleagues do know him as generous person. Personally I used to think he had control issues and wrong set of priorities in life.

- He never forced me for sex. He just ignored my request not to hug/touch me and I couldn't tolerate his touch after the last time he slapped me.

- Please dont think that I am sympathizing with him. I know what he has done is inexcusable. When I think that maybe I should be forgiving, I remember the fear and anguish each of those incidents caused me. The slap is a sign of disrespect, no doubt, but the feeling of helplessness and fear are a 100 times worse. He is a good person but he hasnt been a good husband to me.

-Here is a link to the website which describes if abuser shows signs that he will change. I think it will be helpful for a lot of others who have suffered abuse as well.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Is Change Possible In An Abuser?

It is a long process and change is extremely difficult. I have given this to my husband as well but I think he is still in denial that anything is wrong with him.

Shanvy · May 16, 2014

mnoo,

A good human being does not mean a good father, good son or perfect in every other relationship. but a relationship is about two people. so the burden of bringing in a balance in the relationship when one person does not pull up his weight, is very taxing. it takes a very strong person, to stand up. and i just hope you are that strong.

just a word of caution..the first post was when you were in a feeling of abuse..and the last one is after reading the replies, and now you feel these anonymous people who don't know my husband are crucifying him and only i know how good a person he is..so i need to clarify..

I always believe, advice, suggestions are easy as we look at a monitor, and do not know exactly what is going on the other side. we just try to relate, emphatise, but we cannot Really understand what a person is going through even if we have gone through the same..because each person is different and their family dynamics are different. so you are the best judge. you are a educated, grown up lady and you can decide on what is right and what is wrong.

Gandhi was/is the father of the nation, reverred..he was neither a good husband nor a good father.(you only have to read the versions from kasturbai and his son..)

Akanksha1982 · May 16, 2014

mnoo, All psycho's are like that. They are highly emotional. Typically, they are multifaceted person. They are set towards a target and just care about dominance over the target person and for this they can be violent, resentful, emotional, loving etc. But their overall goal is to be dominant over the target. Unfortunately, the target eventually starts supporting the psycho. There are multiple movies on this subject and many real life incidents that we read in paper.

So don't get into his caring avatar and spoil your life. It is always going to be difficult to know when and what will be his reaction. So focus on future life. I don't he deserves you and you deserve him. Today it is slap and tomorrow it will be something else. Don't hit him back as this exactly what he wants based on his BDSM or whatever his addition is.

Apart from the slaps, his accusation about "liking the friend", calling you by ex's name, accusing you on minor matters etc are not small things to be taken lightly. Such things will grow with time as he sees that he is able to dominate you.

It is true that some abusers change. But what is the percentage of such cases? Some people win lottery as well. Do you want to try your luck here or take matters in your hand and move on?

sneha10 · May 16, 2014

dear mnoo
Its really difficult to digest the extreme behaviors either be it caring or abuse.
I clearly understand the concern you have for your husband but at the same time you are not able to accept his violence.

Its completely your decision staying with him or separation but its better to visualize your future before taking any decision.

If he does change well fine... but if he doesn't (the chances are more likely) then what is your future that too when you have kids???

Ponder over it well, after all you have only one life... live it peacefully

mnoo · May 18, 2014

For the past few days. I have been emailing him. It started when he wanted me to do something and I asked for repeat instructions and he began saying' if you dont want to do it, then fine? and I replied ' whats your problem and accused him of blowing things out of proportion. He said that I am getting irritated because he was behaving like I have been doing so far.

I have accused him of a fair number of things including abuse, ignorance, making unforgivable mistakes, un-empathetic and unable to see past his own feelings and realize he has hurt me. Asked him to look up the definition of abuse or talk to a third person. I wanted to make a stand on the things I felt and say it for what it is, for once in my relationship.

He retaliates that he has never abused me or controlled me and if I think I am being smart advising him to check the dictionary. He says he has talked to people who needed to know about our relationship. he says that I and my mother are throwing false accusations on him. He admits though that he has made mistakes. Just not the ones we are accusing him of.

He says I am the one playing martyr to cover up what I am hiding - by which he means to say is that I had PCOS before marriage and we kept it a secret and now to avoid any blame we are raising all this fuss. He wanted to resolve the PCOS issue but I refused his help.

I am heartbroken over this. How could this person who said he loved me have so little trust that I would cheat him that way?
Why do I even care? What should I do to stop hurting. This is not the first time he has accused me of this. And this is not the first time he has asked for separation.

Earlier he used to say that I needed to change the way I talk and I used to be very confused, hurt and bewildered. I said nothing wrong. No swear words. THis used to be a constant thing when I spoke out during our arguments.
He used to say that my mindset is very destructive for a family life.
I can understand if he asks me to do a certain thing and if I dont do it,ok reprimand me. I do admit I am a bit of a lazy person but this is something I couldn't even understand. And change to what exactly. Am I to avoid speaking words or things that I know he wouldnt like even if they ought to be spoken for my sake.
He used threaten separation during those times too for things I consider quite insignificant but then I dont see through his eyes.

Maddy2087 · May 18, 2014

Mnoo i am sorry to say this dear but you are in a honeymoon phase right now(Just for few days ). Give him some time to bring the next cycle of abuse and i am sure you will be in a helpless condition again . Saying from experience .. If need be i will give you a link to a thread which will help you understand your situation better

Maddy2087 · May 18, 2014

Mnoo he is trying to make you feel small and helpless thats the strategy . This will help him accomplish his task which is to totally break your confidence . Once that is broken he will use you like the way he wants . If you happen to stay with him,few years down the line you will be totally suffocated and would want to break free from that marriage . Its not a safe place for you . He will keep blame shifting just to make you feel low. Will include you mom in all of this so that you break your bond with your parents and siblings. This will give him more access to making you weak .