Problem again... Disturbed.. and need quick remedy please

Dear all

Many thanks for giving me repeated advises, even though some might feel that I am not following your suggestions whole heartedly.

Anyway, I must admit that you guys are the only moral support to me at this stage of tension, and hope you will remain the same forever.

Having said that, I really want to update my current state for your information.

Here we go.... That day, after reading your replies I decided to make sure that my DH understands what is he doing now. I wanted to teach him a life time lesson for such a cheap behavior with my mom, that too infront of the servant. I also was tensed as to what my mom will say for my silence during lunch time. I gathered all my strengths and wanted to make a decision, probably a final one for all this.

But for my surprise, my DH listened to all my complaints and accepted that he was at fault and he should be blamed for all the issues at home/specially for my tensions at the office due to this. He asked me very humbly that I should teach him how to behave, but should not expect a sudden change in him over night..But he promised that he will change and learn to behave gradually... I know it is the 10000000000001st time that he is promising so... But when a man pleads makes humble requests to forgive his mistakes, how can I fight back against him? Although I doubt whether this is yet another act or not... But I told myself, not to judge him, at the same time not to believe him too.

May be its my weakness, I may be loving him so much, or something else.... But I just can not say get lost to this man.

I worried so much about my mom... But this man has already asked forgiveness from her.. Behaved very nice with her and she too forgave, rather forgot his childish act when i returned home with so much tension about this matter. My mom said, he has understood that my DH needs to grow up to become a man, and then only he can challenge himself as a head of the family. But now he is just behaving as a kid, whose acts can not be measured as a child does not know what is right and what is wrong.. All what he can do is to cry and ask for forgiveness after committing a mistake and then do it again in another way. They will continue the same till they grow up and practically analyse the rights and wrongs.
Also they (children) can be easily manipulated by others (specially the mean ones can easily target small kids) and they will listen to those sweet words and fall into those traps just because of tasty meals and gifts and then lose all their possessing without their knowledge.
(This is what happened in my case.... Dh behaved like a kid all the time... Repeated his mistakes, wrong behavior etc..etc... And he was manipulated my my inlaws, specifically by speaking nice to him, giving him nice foods, small gifts etc... and he on the other hand lost all his (our) savings to them. He thinks we (the ones who cares for him) are the bad people as we are advising and controlling him. But the ones (friends, his parents) are the great ones as they just let him do what he wants.
For instance, I always limit his outings with his friends, his alcohol usage, his trips to river banks/river baths after taking alcohol as they are dangerous. I limit his spending on unwanted matters, I urge him to apply for job openings, I control his meals as I fear he might get cholostrol etc..etc... because I love him. But he doesnt like it all.
His mom doesnt care about his whereabouts, drinking habits, financial management, job or meals. She just make sure that he is cool, and then start her brainwashing acts and then drain him completely when he is fully down at their home. He still thinks his mom is great no matter what.

He falls for dramas and not for reality, because he is still a kid who doesnt know what it is....

But my mom again said, that a kid's behavior shouldn't affect a family in anyway. I mean a kid cant be a decision maker at all... A kid cant force you to do anything... A kid should behave like one... Let him behave like a kid who stay at home, eat, rest and do irresponsible things.. at the same fight, cry, argue.. but the decision should be yours (mine) as an adult. Do not take him seriously, do not bend for him, and try to teach him good behavior, but do not feel bad or disturbed about his behavior.
She also asked me not t0 give him any responsibilities and not to expect anything from his as my husband or dad of my kid. Just treat him as my elder son (may be a mentally challenged one who needs special care/attention).

Its simple and makes sense to me.... I am learning to not to listen to him, not to mind him and not to get any tension because of his acts, but to laugh if possible by seeing his kiddish acts.

As for the servant, she is not so good.. but manageable... My mom has to leave as soon as she can, coz my sister is really suffering to do the chores, where she is unable to manage her home and my brother's needs (though she says she can manage and my kid is her priority at this stage as she loves him so much), but I feel its my turn to show my love to her by sending my mom there.

Depending on the servant, I will decide whether to send my kid with mom or keep him with me... But I will never give any weighting to my DH's words in this regard.
I am very clear that my MIL has no place here at my home, so she better stay away from me...

Finally... I would just like to say one thing...

Many of you are keep on asking why do i still call my H as DH... Because he is my dear no matter what.
He may not love me, he may not take any responsible towards me and my kid, and he may love his mom than his wife.. That's his business.
He may not have savings, he may not have a job for a long time - That's his capacity
But I am the same Tugga... Who had sympathized on him due to his poor life style, lack of support etc..etc.. and I still do the same. I was the one who brought him up all this way, and I am sure he will soon go back to the dark life once again if I chase him out from my umbrella. This is not what I wanted for...

I know he is behaving childishly, because that is his capacity... I know he is manipulated my his cunning parents, but that's something i have to deal with them...

I can throw him away now... But after doing this what i am gonna do?? I am 100% sure that my in laws will also chase him away the minute they understood that he has come out from our family and he has no access to my accounts... He wont get a job in the near future without my support... Then what??? He will soon come to the streets and will have to eat and sleep with street dogs. This is what he was doing when I met him for the first time... I really do not want to see this happen to him next time. And if something happen, I or none of my family members can stay idle either. Coz we are humans... Its gonna be another tension to take him and bring him back to normal state... Better not to let him go back to that hell again...

I have found the route cause for my problem... That is my cunning in laws are manipulating my useless DH...All what I have to do is... Ignore my DH's act and behave like he is not existing... And deal with my in laws in a way that they dont come back to me again in their life.. At the same time teach my DH good things in a way a kid will understand.

See how time and situation helps me to get my life back in tract

 

Dear FL

What do you mean by this??????
Juvenile parents... you mean I am behaving like a kid by listening to my mom's advises when I am so upset with my irresponsible husband? Then how will you name the people who post their problems here?

My mom knows my problems and my nature 100 times better than you all... And she witnessed all my tensions with my husband. Therefore she offered a piece of advise to calm me down/ or to boost me. I listened to her as I felt it is the right one for the moment. What's wrong in it???

Do you think behaving as an adult means giving no ears to adults even though they say the right thing?????

Is this a petty problem??? Cant you analyse the trend of my problems? I dont know how i am gonna put it in a better way to make it clear to you.
Do you think that I depend on my mom for instructions to lead my life? Oh God...

I understand that my husband needs a lot of growing up... Because he is not doing his role as a man/husband/father. But I guess that I am covering both my role and his role together and I am bit comfortable in that. My major problem is my husband's confusions and unreasonable interference (my MIL through him) that often disturbs my routines. That's what I came here for suggestions to overcome this matter. Many of you suggested to throw him away as he is the problem maker, and I will be fine without him. But I feel its too early (according to me) to throw him away, but I should cover myself with a emotional proof helmet and do my activities without considering his acts/presence. I feel its convenient and this is what my mom too suggests considering various other reasons. Where I behaved like a kid here?

I am totally disturbed, as you know my case far better than the new readers here. I expected that you would understand my problem better than others.. But now I learn to accept the fact that people are indifferent.. so better not to expect, rather to accept what they can offer. So lets be cool

 

Dear Orion

I know... But what do you want me to do? I am not defending, but just reflecting the truth.
I wanted him to look for jobs, I tried on behalf of him, and got some good opportunities as well. But she is unable to secure a job for him, unwilling to find one and not interested to look for a job. I tried to tell him that he needs a job not for money, but for his own peace of mind. I stressed him that having a job is very important for a man. But it didnt work out. His mom on the other hand repeatedly told him that he has done no mistakes by losing his job.. It is just his horoscope that made him lose his job and a wife should understand this. She further added fuel to the fire by telling that I am a bad wife, who has no sympathy on him during his hard times. She further says that he needs to learn and develop his capacity during this time as their family astro mentioned this, so it is not worth to apply for jobs as he wont get one due to his horoscope, but it is better to join for any courses (degree) as that will help him in the future. He strongly believes her (the astro) and then stopped trying for work and started a course. For him I am a bad wife who repeatedly pushes him for what he doesnt want to do, but his mom is an understanding one.

What can I do? can i just throw him away or to teach him what is right? To the latter, I need time, specially I need to work so hard to get rid of my in laws interference. That I am working on it.