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Problem after marriage - Spouse not romantic Help me to tackle the situation.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ilarohini, Apr 11, 2012.

  1. Ilarohini

    Ilarohini New IL'ite

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    Hi all i have big problem. I would like to get out of this and want to led a peaceful life. Kindly suggest me ideas.

    Hi.... by nature i am stout from childhood so i had a builtin inferiority complex till now. My relatives also teased me very much so i was totally helpless and always reserved. Iam very afraid to my father and wont talk to him. We rarely speak in words not in sentences. At my age of 23 i was 155cm hight and 78 kg weight but i will be looking good. My friends usually tell u have innocent good looking smiling face and i have fans in my girls college for my straight hair and smile. I was little interested in sex from 14 yrs onwards. I usually watch english films for those scenes. In my mind it was fixed that i can only watch and enjoy this i cant get marry. I tried a lot to change this bad habit but i failed.

    Since i have learnt from childhood in girls school (college also girls only) i am very shy to speak with boys. The inferiority complex and shyness made my mind worse. My father started seeing bridegroom for me. Since i am afraid to my father much and due to my inferiority complex i agreed to marry a guy whom my father showed. My husband is 6 yrs elder than me, black, 163 cm height and looking elder(without hair dye). In all my dreams i had 6ft tall guy, good looking, jovially speaking but my husband is just opposite to all my dreams. But he is nice human wont drink / smoke. So some how i adjusted my mind to live with him.

    The main problem arise between us when i came to know that he is not much interested in sex. He is not at all enjoying sex with me, just for the shake of doing it. He is also not romantic. As a newly married couple staying home alone he wont come and hug / kiss / help me in kitchen. Since i was interested in romance and sex very much i was totally dis appointed. I dont know how to proceed my life so i speak with my husband frankly to enjoy and do sex with me and did many things. But he is doing just 5 mins with me that too with out much involvement. I was totally disappointed frustrated and started hating everything. We will be fighting always. I spoke with him directly regarding my wish about sex but he is not hearing any of my words. He will shout like anything if i started speaking abt this. How can i make my husband more romantic and lovable towards me. He always behave like 60yr old guy and he is not understanding that we are just married and need to enjoy the world. Please friends help me how can i change my husband think like a youth.
     
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  2. RamyaSridhar1978

    RamyaSridhar1978 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    Since you are newly married I suggest try to first get close to your husband. Try to understand his likes, dislikes, cook his fav food ... Change your focus from sex. One can behave absolutely romantic by trying to touch each other, hold hands, kiss each other , leave love notes.... First gain that confidence that you have managed to get him close.. Then the next level is sex..
    Physical intimacy cannot be achieved without getting close and trying to know each other.. Its rather the next step.
    Try watching movies hold hands (,gauge his reaction when any explicit kissing, sex scene comes.)..
    Wear sexy clothes, undergarments, .
    Worst comes to worst visit a marriage counsellor.
    Try talking if has some medical problems.
    All te best
     
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  3. Flyhighbluesky

    Flyhighbluesky Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Rohini
    6 years older? you have your answer there! he's much more mature and probably is of the mentality that romance is not for him! you cannot change him in a snap.. it will take time.. for romance for openness for trust first you guys need to connect witth each other.. and this is always a bit hard in arranged marriages.. get to know him as a person who knows maybe he is even more shy than you..... romance isnt for newly marrieds only it can last a lifetime but for that you need to be in love.. thedreamy dreamy love!!! how will this happen now?? stop taking things too fast! Get to know him his likes, dislikes, tempers.. what makes him happy/sad... how his life now is and how it was in college/school/with parents/with friends... plan small surprises... in the mean time put your dream man to sleep... and start seeing the postive in the man with you and dont keep expectations.. let him love you in his own way you jus encourage him to be more expressive about his love and affections because that makes you happy!! if you keep expectations at every point you're only going to get more dissappointments! He is your H not a genie from a bottle... meanwhile observe yourself on how you react and talk and what you do for him... keep notes like a diary since its your begining you can learn a lot from your ownself if you just listen!!!!! Sharing an example from my life... i've been married four years and every year i plan a surprise for my H on his bday but he never does anythng.. he wil say lets go shopping and dining! now as if we dont do that every other weekend!!! but if you ask me who has got more gifts... i'd be higher on the scale anyday!! :)
     
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  4. JASIKA

    JASIKA Bronze IL'ite

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    Take it easy! Focus on finding your husband's likes/dislikes/hobbies, cook his favorite food, dress up nicely, talk bit maturely, take good care of household chores...Go out, spend more time with your husband. Soon he will start liking you more and eventually will get physically attracted to you. If not, then second step would be meeting marriage counselor...Good luck!
     
  5. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 Platinum IL'ite

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    I would say stop focusing on it & try to learn about him. It should ideally start outside the bedroom. More with respect to knowing each other, being there for them.
    Also try to loose weight if possible. Even if you lose 10% of your weight you will feel confident. When you are confident people will always be attracted to you. I think no one in the world loves us the way we want.
     
  6. aaral

    aaral Silver IL'ite

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    How long are you married? Take some time to get to know each other. Some people need emotional connection before physical intimacy. Learn about each other and use this time to bond. Fighting will only make it difficult.Also give him time and space . Another thing movies are fairy tales , very few people i.e. newly married behave with each other as they show in the movies and ads. So don't expect what happens in the media to be reflected in real life.It will only lead to disappointment.All the best
     
  7. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    Every marriage is different. Love and respect for each other leads to the 'liking' each other, romance part.
    Some men never show their love in words, for their entire life. But, men do love getting that attention from their spouse.

    Your distress/disappointments will show, and tend to cause negative vibes. The person next to you (DH) can sense that easily. It will pull you two away from each other.

    Keep positive thoughts in mind. Always, look at your best and well dressed/groomed. Be attractive, and smiley/happy person around DH. Act according to his likes/dislikes. Daily life is full of hectic schedule, pressure, and a boring routine. Plan for a short trips away from home during weekends. Everything else will fall into place, the nature's way.
     
  8. sangea

    sangea Silver IL'ite

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    Ilarohini..
    be +ve. Men are men, 6 yrs or 10 yrs being elder is not a big problem. Understand wat he likes. Be creative in cooking, keeping the house, ur jokes, etc. dnt worry whether he likes, be girly, let him feel the difference.
     
  9. RamyaSridhar1978

    RamyaSridhar1978 Gold IL'ite

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    @jelin six yrs older shd not be a problem my hubby too is 6 yrs older to me .
     
  10. renutn

    renutn Gold IL'ite

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    hi dear,

    as other ladies suggested just try to come out of sex. Yeah it is v. difficult for newly married woman and when all her relatives poking her on that life and she don't have much to say or dream.
    As ur husband is bit elder and matured ; you have to change to become matured and try to know his likes/dislikes. Don't talk everyday that topic ; talk general and maximum try listening to him.
    Dress nicely even chubby people can look sexy too. Come out of that inferiority. Whatever god given to you use those arrows to him.
    Definitely he is not saint for not seeing you he will definitely seduce you one day.
     

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