1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Present Indian Marriages-upgrades Required To Keep Relations Smooth .

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by yellowmango, Dec 2, 2016.

  1. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,354
    Likes Received:
    2,670
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Back to original topic , we should teach our daughters and sons to not hate the woman....in our misogynist society, i have seen a certain kind of hate and prejudices for woman....as if whole womankind is cheap,low, and undignified...we should be kind to woman, being woman ourselves, to set an example among our children ....
    In relationships , contention is among women only....if woman would be kind to another woman in general, many headaches would be saved....

    I have seen unmarried man talking low about wives....i wonder how will they be able to love their wife, when they will get married . ...
    I see many woman talking low about woman in general , i wonder are they not consider themselves woman???
     
    sindmani likes this.
  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,880
    Likes Received:
    25,953
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Not until they have learned to stand up for themselves, take their own decisions (not off load responsibility on parents with 'my parents know what is best for me') and then to ignore jabs that are made at them, their independence, their parents and their education.
     
    pocahontas likes this.
  3. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    244
    Likes Received:
    605
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    These types of threads are eye openers but does not reach out to many women out there..so how to reach out and create awareness amongst our young girls? Especially for standing up for themselves without feeling guilty..right from young age I was taught to be good and gentle but not firm..so how to instill that?
     
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Talk and discuss with the young ones in your families. urge them to talk to their friends and families.

    I now teach my 5 year old girl about staying powerful - using a powerful voice, stance and expression. I also ask her to reevaluate the situation in case she's been unfair or unkind or inconsiderate to someone and let her figure out how to make amends.
     
  5. Lady1

    Lady1 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    79
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Maintaining good and mutually beneficial Interpersonal relationships is tricky but a very worthwhile common target to maintain:

    1. If living under separate roofs but close by is not possible, as much as possible, the parental families and the newly marrieds must strive to maintain clearly separated bed, bath areas, convening in common & shared conversation/entertainment/cooking & dining areas. And, the thought pattrn of respectful observation of boundaries to match, must be learned, developed and maintained at all costs. In modern times flats are built with two wings separated by a common area in the middle.

    2. Parents, this is very difficult and almost counter-culture but PLEASE, "WAIT TO BE ASKED," especially about child-care, raising tips etc. You won't believe how the grown children especially newly marrieds want to try running their own lives using all they have learned from your wonderful upbringing and wish to show off to their spouse! Especially if you wait patiently conscientiously ignoring some utterly ridiculous mistakes they make and especially if you can wait for a moment alone comes up to gently praise and couch your experience-based suggestion, you won't believe how much more they will start to seek you out and actually 'ask' for your contribution.
    It is not the sophisticated guidance or help you can give they shy from but its the way in which the parents still step in completely forgetting with marriage they have brought into the family their own personal cheer leader in whose eyes, they want to be the 'hero(ine)' with the answers NOT you!
    Understand and honor this. There is nothing wrong with 'breaking the mould,' and in fact, you should in spite of all you know. You will be amazed at how much closer your grown children act with this kind of consideration.

    3. Money-matters play a significant role in every family.
    As long as they live under their own roof even if close by this is no biggie but, if unfortunately they must coexist with you even after their marriage,:
    Make sure to let (even encourage) your grown child to voice his/her ideas for the part of household income they are pulling and factor that in when creating and managing the family budget. For their part, it will be nice if they include your care should need arise as you age but it is best to remind that by asking them to think avout their own elder (often support-requiring) years and what resources would they fall on. Such points will cause them consider this sensitive issue
    Much more proactively than starkly reminding them not to forget you now that tgey have their own 'you g, attractive' part er which shows only emotions of petty jealousy.

    Parents must ALWAYS be respected and innately its impossible not to. Love however is earned multifold by first sewing the seeds of it in their heart from the moment tgey are born and raised and must have become st least a young tree by the time they enter matrimony and tgat phase of life where they now have their own house-hold even where not physically separate.
    Marriage is indeed a seed impacting a 'thousand-generation's' harvest! (Tamil Proverb: "கல்யாணம் என்பது ஆயிரம் காலத்துப் பயிர்!").
    The grown children who have learned everything from you will now start to learn how to treat newly-married off-springs also from you should you all have no other option than to coexist.
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,880
    Likes Received:
    25,953
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    I too was not "taught" to be anything other than good and gentle. But somewhere along the line when I saw and felt the injustice in the system, I stood up for myself. Remember no one is going to cheer you for doing that, at least not now. May be a decade or two later?
     
  7. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    681
    Likes Received:
    1,915
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    When we raise kids:
    1) If you have a daughter, stop "grooming" her for a life after marriage. Dont tell her "If you dont learn to cook, you will suffer after marriage". Or "if you dont have good manners, no one will marry you". Stop making marriage the ultimate aim of a girl's adulthood. Tell her that marriage is a part of life. Education, job and financial independance is the main thing in life. Marriage will happen when it has to happen
    2) If you have a son, in front of him, show that marriage is a game of equality. Make your husband help you - ask your son to participate. Dont tell him things like "Boys dont cry" or "boys dont wear pink" or "boys dont wash dishes". Show him how women need to be treated and not speak derogatorily about any "career women who dont care about their homes" or "housewives who sit simply at home doing nothing"

    When we are in-laws:
    1) one word with infinite breadth - SPACE. Give them space. Whether they are single or married, once they are past 18 - they are adults. They need to make their own decisions. Ask them to move out to college, do their own laundry and live their own life. Even if you pay tuition fees, let them make their decisions - let them learn from mistakes. Unless they go into downward spirals (like drug addiction etc), give them the space to try new things. Make them take responsibility of their own life.
    2) We need to stop this business of "girls family bears all costs". If needed, let it be fifty fifty. Marriage has to stop being a show of status and the family's prosperity.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Fo
    For this,we as parents of girls should learn to take a 'no' from them at least about issues that concern them .
    It is not easy...you have to sometimes do it with a lump in the throat .:worried:
     
    KashmirFlower and satchitananda like this.
  9. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,354
    Likes Received:
    2,670
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    " my parents knows best for me" ...this approach is found in son and daughter both until they get more mature say in middle thirties.... so its the upbringing which is to blame, i dont know if its me who feels that indian children get maturity of an adult a lot lot lot later than 18...parents want t them to be a child all their life and its impact can be seen clearly in their adult life, whether its about taking the decision of life partner , or its about married life.
    but thats how education helps, now even if an educated mother is not able to stand up for herself but she feels the need to teach this to her children...its like climbing a staircase, taking a step at a time. education is just a first step. Many more things to follow, considering ourselves a equal human and respect & dignity as basic right and fighting for it is basic principles needs to be taught.
     
    Rihana, guesshoo and satchitananda like this.
  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,880
    Likes Received:
    25,953
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    There is a difference between 'my parents want only the best for me' vs. 'my parents know what is best for me'. My parents might be very experienced and it would make sense to take on board their advice/suggestions if they would help me understand by explaining the reasons for their opinions. That would go a longer way in helping me take the best decisions in life.

    Talking of maturity, I would go one step forward and say it is conspicuous by its absence in our society at large. No mature person would bring kids into the world with the intention of having someone to take care of them in their old age and then want only male children to that very end. Mature people would not try to infantalize their children all their lives and manipulate or blackmail them into being under their control for their own selfish ends. They would not confuse independent thinking in their children for lack of respect, love, affection or loyalty. Mature people would not interfere in the married lives of their children. Mature people would not consider themselves privileged just because they have male offspring and subjugate a young woman and her family to their whims and fancies while also considering them to be ATMs which never run out of the stuff (akshay patra).
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016

Share This Page