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Present But Absent Mom

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rapzee, May 24, 2017.

  1. prestine

    prestine Silver IL'ite

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    Hi op,

    I was bought up with similar kind of parents. My father abuses my mom, my m9m wanted to save the marriage, so she was busy getting abused.

    My childhood memories are filled with horrible incidents and abuse. My parents were busy fighting, that they forgot about the kids. BUT I realized the only way to get out of this life was to study and move out. Studied hard and moved to new place for college. That was the first time I felt the normalcy.

    It took a while for me to be happy, because the memories haunts me. Now got married. I am a mom, happy with my own family. Even now I don't get any kind of support from my parents, as they are busy fighting.

    I am angry at them because I did not have a normal childhood, at the same time , grateful too, because they gave me good food good education and a good marriage. They did their duties as a parent(even when they were not rich). There are lots of kids who don't get those basic things.

    I got closer to my mom only after marriage. Everything will change. Study well, move out, find a good guy, get married. Once you enter the marriage phase, you will get closer to your mom.

    There are lot of people like uswho long for parents love, but I stopped expecting from them. I hate my father. If there is a movie scene with father daughter love, I turn off the tv. Don't want to even imagine
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2017
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  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    When it comes to parental issues, it's hard to grow out of all the emotional pain and neglect you've grown up with- even as you are in your 20's. Being an immigrant child is even more isolating, and you have placated yourself by using media as a replacement to the parenting and love you should have reviewed. The reality is, indian movies and tv shows idealize the maternal relationship-but it's easy to mistake it for the norm. It's not.

    My mother and I have been close when I was growing up, and my mom literally lived for me and my brother while we were in the US. This might seem normal but it is quite dysfunctional too...I have come to over depend on my mother's approval for major decisions and get distraught when she disapproves of something I've done. When we visit India, she almost completely ignores me. I know she loves me, but I can't help but feel a little resentment toward her because she has kept me from pursuing a more creative career, and because of the abandonment I feel when I visit India.

    The point is, you need to feel loved and your parents are incapable of making you feel that (at least for now). This is affecting your emotional health and you need to act on fixing it. If you are feeling suicidal and notice this going on, schedule an apt with your pcp and get evaluated for depression. Counseling is also very helpful- you seemed to have already tried it. Since you seem to be yearning for a parental figure, you can also try connecting to older Indian women at the temple or other. It may help you have someone on your side. I can't promise a mother's love, but you would benefit with the positivity and traditions they could teach.
     
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  3. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    I can understand the emotional pain and loneliness you might be feeling.
    I am not sure what your therapist is suggesting you. But its never too late.

    how is the relation with your parents now. can your mom spend time with you now.
    did you tell her, how much you missed her?. as you mentioned they too had gone thru lot of issues and didnt do on purpose, but is your mom now ready to spend time with you.
    start with a 15 mins phone call daily. or 5 mins. It will slowly build.

    You have given up on relationship ?. you mean boy friend.
    Sorry to say, but your story sounds like Dear Zindagi movie to me. when i read your post reminded me the herione crying badly abt missing her parents when she was a child.
    Thats so strange....

     
  4. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

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    First of all so sorry just now getting back been extremely busy with work.

    I am in counseling right now, I was in it 10 years ago too, but it seems like we are still exactly where we were 10 years ago in many ways. the only difference is 10 years I wasn't understanding of some the choices they made or make and all as of today I am. I try putting myself in their shoes and sometimes I get it sometimes I dont.

    I will tell you " Just think this, is that all your life's worth? Do you think you were given a chance to be born just to go thru neglection from your parents and that's it? There's nothing more to your life? " really gives me a perspective. Granted this won't change how I feel but this thought now hits me every time I think of giving up. So thank you for that.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2017
  5. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

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    The few things I do remember weren't the happiest at all in fact far from happy. The images left in my head of running behind my mom as a 3 year as she left me with my aunt will never leave my head. I can't say I was the easiest child to deal with. Rather very mischievous and all. So culturally got hit and punished a lot. My aunt (divorced no kids, living with her parents) so her and her mom would almost team up, I remember as 7-8 year thinking someday my mom and I will team up against whoever comes my way. So much for that.

    " You are sensitive to these things because you have never experienced them first-hand. Thus, any display of filial bonds and affection strikes you as genuine. Many a times, that may not be the case. " - While I do think you are right and all, the one thing that gets to me sometimes I feel like I lack affection specifically so much that it could be days, weeks or even months between last time someone hugged me. And for some reason physical touch matters so much. Sometimes it doesn't even have to be from "mom", even though that's usually the warmest form of affection I have felt for split of a second from someone who took me in as her own for like two weeks and then basically walked out.

    " Also, there are kids in India who run away to the States simply because they cannot stand their over-bearing parents. Their parents are involved in every decision of their life, right from choosing what they wear, what they eat, how they spend their time, what they study, what career they choose and whom they marry. They probably would not be able to comprehend your situation and would switch places in a heartbeat and so I am sure, would you. " -
    This part I will tell you I have told both of my parents how appreciative I am that they let me make my own decisions and all that good stuff. While I do miss having their input I am content with the fact that I got to become the independent person I am today because they didn't play much of a role in my life.
     
  6. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

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    " Even now when I see a mother pampering her daughter or a father encouraging his daughter I feel a pang of sadness that I couldn't experience that bond which everyone says is the most unconditional . " - Not saying you should have to experience this because ask someone who does it's the worst thing in the world. But it helps to know I am not the only one that feels this way

    "Let go of expectations from parents"- That I have. In fact forgiven them, although I think they were never at fault for the choices they made on most of the occasions, I do think there were times especially like coming to my high school graduation, or paying for my prom dress ($60) little things like that were in their control but they chose not to be part of it. Heck my dad even threw away the graduation yard sign without even asking me. So while I forgive them for it, I don't think I will ever be able to forget the pain. And as of today expectation out of them is gone. I continue to live under the same roof. As an Indian daughter I do things most Indian kids do as "Taking care of their parents" and call it a day. But silently I hurt for that figure in my life not them anymore.
     
  7. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

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    I can't say I live in a small Indian community but it's safe to say most Indians know each other. So I don't know if I could put myself out there and try to connect with someone like that, even though it sounds very idealistic.
     
  8. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

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    My relationship now with both of them has gotten to "here, doing things because I am supposed to and it's out of respect". Little things such as me saying "mom I am going to the mall, you wanna come" and then getting a response "no, I don't feel like it" and hearing stuff like this on regular base is gone. just the other week moms friend calls her says let's go to the mall. Mom calls me says I am going to the mall with such and such aunty. So stuff like this starts pointing towards mom not wanting my company more than anything else. And gone are the days where I will put my emotions on the front line no matter how much I hurting in the back. Because if me putting it out there makes no difference then might as well keep mum about it.

    And funny how you say "dear zindagi" My best friend made me watch that movie because he is like it's almost like this movie is about your life. Not only that one even "Dil Dhadakne Do" with Priyanka's character in ways.
     
  9. rohanbs

    rohanbs Junior IL'ite

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    You must have bright future ahead. So please concentrate on your career. It's part of your luck that you faced all this. But surely something good will be there in your future. So look forward. All the best to you.
     
  10. Rapzee

    Rapzee Senior IL'ite

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    I don't know if this has turned into an "open journal" but I hate situations where this void in my life is felt so much. So I have been having some "gynecological" problems for some time lately and I finally decided to get an appointment. But I wish I had someone I could ask any questions I had. But clearly google seems to be my only friend and by it really hurts.
     

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