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Pregnancy News! Mom Has No Idea..

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by BeingSoulful, Oct 27, 2018.

  1. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,

    I have been married for over 3years. My wedding was a biggest dramatic event of my life. Though my parents provided their consent for the marriage, my mom was never happy with my decision & as a result she boycotted me out of the family after my wedding. Once upon a time I was her favorite & she was very close to me. Everything changed after wedding, absolutely zero contact, I tried too hard & too many times to many things better but her big fat ego never came with terms for a decent/open discussion nor was she open for any problem solving discussions.

    I have had a very stressful relationship with her throughout my life. She was always at the extremes of love & anger. She was abusive physically, emotionally & blamed her kids for all the misfortunate life bought for her, never had/still doesn’t share a great relationship with dad. She always finds faults in others with a provided situation & never looks back at herself to see if there was anything she could have done. In short, very egoistic abusive bully. Having said all this, she is still my mom. I still love her the same way I always have throughout my life, irrespective of things she has said & done.

    I moved to US after our wedding & visited India twice. In my first visit I went home with gifts, she asked my dad to throw out everything I bought & insulted me, asking me not show my face again. I was broken with her behavior; my one decision turned everything upside down, all her thoughts & beliefs about me changed; only because I followed my heart. My last visit I did not want to go home & met dad outside. However I was invited to my closest cousin’s wedding, it was my cousin & my aunt who insisted on the invite. Only I was invited, not my husband nor his family. I decided to attend the reception only because I wanted to get a glance of mom’s face & the fact that this cousin has been very kind & helpful to me always. She saw me there & insulted in front of entire clan. I simply walked out of the reception hall with tears in my eyes & said nothing to her. It took lot of effort for me to move myself from extremely disturbing thoughts & feelings she left me with, making me guilty for my choices.

    In these years, I have realized how much abuse she had created in my life. Not a single day was peaceful & when a few days went by peacefully, there would come a big wave of fights/tantrums & everything at once. But I also found ways to make peace with everything she has done in these years. I have a good husband, my best friend, we have a decent life & I am happy for everything I have in life. Like everyone I loved my family to bits, I miss everyone dearly but I have accepted the way of things now.

    I am 20 weeks pregnant with my first child; this is very special for us. I shared the news with my dad who seemed happy but also told me he won’t tell mom until I am closer to my due date. Pregnancy bought back more emotions, I miss mom more, I miss my family more. The days I feel terrible I cry & let it go. I had this wired dream where my mom sees me pregnant & is asking why I never told her, she seemed very emotional & hurt. I woke up thinking if I should call her once. But I am scared of the curses & drama she will create on the phone. I am not ready to take more, not at least at this stage of life.

    This is a pure vent & still a question if I should call her once. What do you think?
     
    VinuthaS likes this.
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  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    op, I feel extremely sad reading about your situation. for a parent especially mother to have so much prolonged hatred and anger towards child is not normal. plenty of people I know went ahead and married against parents wishes , but over time everyone reconciles and especially when grandkids come into picture all that drama ends away. looking at your moms previous behavior, doubt she is going to be nice to you when you share your news. ask your dad to inform her and you resist talking to her unless she is calling or texting with congratulations . see if you can find an elderly motherly figure among your family or social circle whom you can talk to and feel better . it is what it is, not an ideal situation , but nothing you can do about it except take care of yourself and be positive.
     
  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Congratulations! This is a beautiful time in your life. Share it with people that will be happy for you. Your mother does not seem to be one of them.
    Families are never perfect. I am coming to realize that now. I have given a lot of myself to mine because it was the right thing to do as a daughter, sister and everything else . Now it’s taken a toll on me. Maintain your distance . Don’t let them consume your life , thoughts and pregnancy. Take that guilt out because you have given your best shot. I assume it’s a given your mother will not be a part of the delivery/ post delivery care. Wish her well and focus on the LO ! I promise you motherhood will change your life for the better.
     
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Congratulations! You need to protect yourself and your immediate family first. Do not tell your mother if she is going to heap abuse on you. There is plenty of time to inform her later and your father can do it so there is no need for you to interact with her. It is normal to grieve the loss of such a fundamental relationship. You may want to see a therapist to help you process your feelings during this time as pregnancy hormones can make everything seem even more intense than usual.
    At the end of the day it will be your mother's loss.
     
  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    One simple statement. Listen to Dad.
     
    VidhyaVi likes this.
  6. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    Congratulations!! Always deal with your mom protecting yourself.
    If you really want to tell your mom about the good news. Can you like ask your dad to mention about it to your mom and ask him to tell you how she responded. In this way your emotional well-being will not be affected by her response. If this news slowly changes her mind , maybe after a few weeks she might talk to you through your dad or even warm up to you. Whatever be the situation, take care of yourself and stay positive.
     
  7. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @BeingSoulful- congratulations! I agree with your father. Inform your mother at a later stage of pregnancy. Do not call her now. I would say later in the sense around the 6th month. I am sure, you are not asking her to help you, and I highly doubt, she will want to be involved in post pregnancy.

    Pregnancy is a whole other ball game, little things can get your depressed, little things can make you angry. All you have to think is about yourself and your baby.

    Sorry to break this myth- mother/ father prolonging anger or ego against their children is very common. Because there is so much emphasis to respect elders, in our society- children are bound to suffer silently.

    I was in your position of a few years back, to invite my mother to help me in post-pregnancy or not. Even before marriage- she had made sure to tell me not expect any help from her after my marriage. So, I wanted this distance. But, being first-time pregnant, away from family, being scared of the unknown after giving birth, and the thought "my mom will be happy for me" made myself ask her to come to the US and help me out.
    She outrightly said, " Did you ask me and get pregnant, nobody will understand my emotions, I won't be able to come". Although she came for my post-pregnancy- 2 months after I had given birth. The words still ring in my ears.


    My 2 cents- People don't change easily, how much ever you want them to.
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This Myth is the biggest problem of our society.
    Why can't we think rational instead of following such baseless myths?

    Parents are not Godly creatures the way how it is trusted and followed in our part of the world. This kind of myth makes the children sick, and confused all the time regardless of the evil nature of their parents.

    My MIL is the mother of my husband. She did not like the fact that her son went against her word to marry his love. She pretended to accept our marriage, because of the society, but she hated us from the heart and left no stones unturned to separate us.
    She didn't even bothered about her son's mental health, physical health or even his career and future. All she wanted was to prove to this world, that she was right in opposing our union, and his son was wrong in going against her word.
    Not just 1-2 years, but she kept on doing this for 10 years constantly by all the means to damage our lives.
    But her son was always skeptical about trusting his mothers' motive and ability to do this. He always found reasons to give her the benefit of the doubt, because he has been always taught that "no mother will behave evil against her own children".
    Very recently, we have found out with proof that it was his mother, who was behind all the hardships, fights, illness etc..etc.. that we faced in life all these while.
    And nothing was co-incidence but a well planned tactful move by her since the beginning.
    After marriage all she did was to see her son as her enemy's husband and not as her son anymore.

    Now that my H is in great shock, in denial, and ya, it is not easy for him to handle it.
    But had he been taught the rational behind that, he would have saved the best part of his life somehow. The rational is, that anyone who lives in this earth can be flawed. His mom and all the moms around here are basically human, with human nature that includes flaws. Just because of their reproductive ability, they won't become saints.
    There are moms who through their kids in the bins, there are moms who kill their kids, and there are moms who make their kids orphan, sell them for prostitution and what not.
    There are moms who interfere into their children's marriage and spoil their life.... the list has no end.

    On this line, accept the fact that your mom is one evil mother. Sorry for the blunt word, but a woman with such a ego to the extend of hurting her own child's emotions on a prolonged basic, and not regretful for that yet... is to be called this way only.
    It is sad to accept that such moms are ours. But you should also start count on your blessings too.
    Life is not equal for all...

    There are people who are blessed with Godly moms, but evil spouses.
    There are people whose parents and spouses are no less than saints, but children are nasty.
    And in your case, this is the other way round. Your H is nice, life in the US is nice... Possibly the kids are gonna be nice too. Just that, your mom is not so nice.
    You can't have it all... and if so, God is unfair.

    Accept it... Open up with your spouse... I am sure he will find a way to make you happy regardless of this bitter side during this time
     
  9. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    If you keep such an important news from her, your relationship could only take further hit. I think you need to inform your mother. It can be a message or an email to her. Please anticipate no warmth and love in return. If you get a positive response, your relationship could heal a bit. If not, it will proceed as before. I don't think that you have anything to lose by informing this to her.

    Don't break the news on a call so that she can abuse you. Email or a message would be best.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  10. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear BeingSoulful,

    From what you have written it looks like your mom hasn't accepted your husband at all.. Also a child from him (off course both of yours) she may not accept and the bitterness may increase. So don't get into much stress by talking to her now. Sending a message or email should be fine. Off course I understand how much you would be wanting your mother to be with you to celebrate every step of your pregnancy. But sorry you have been unfortunate on this. As SGBV suggested I'm sure your spouse is there to support you. Stay happy and take good care of yourself. .

    Regards,
    Anu.
     

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