Practicing Caste System In Own Kitchen?

shravs3 · Nov 29, 2018

Amica said: ↑

The MIL/mother follows "beliefs" based on convenience. She got on an airplane surrounded by passengers she looks down on and sat there during the long flight minus her "beliefs." She ate food and drank water on that flight cooked/served by people she won't allow in her kitchen. Every time she consumes anything in the USA it has passed through the hands of people disallowed in her kitchen.
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. The old lady is similar to my granny.

Nylaa · Nov 29, 2018

noire said: ↑

It is not OK to indulge this abhorrence just because they are older and from a different generation. I think you should just stop meeting up in that house, give her a taste of her own medicine. The old woman practicing this and living in the US taking advantage of their progressiveness, would do well to remember that many white people around her probably feel the same way about her. What if she goes to a restaurant and some white patrons (or let's say the restaurant owner) object to her being there? Would she expect her friends to stand up for her or not?
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This, exactly.

I agree with everyone who has said that caste-based discrimination is unacceptable and that "old age" or "orthodoxy" does not give one license to practice it nor give other others license to ignore it.

I feel that the friend with the problematic MIL should address the issue (respectfully, of course) and explain to her MIL why her discriminatory behaviour makes her uncomfortable (if, indeed, it does). I understand wanting to maintain a cordial relationship with one's MIL but this sounds like an issue that will resurface in the future when her MIL visits again. If she's unable to have such a discussion and must tolerate her MIL's behaviour for whatever reason, I think it's best not invite friends over.

Amica said: ↑

Your friend is not unique. Several years ago, we found ourselves in an almost identical situation. One of our "friends" had a visiting "orthodox" MIL and requested us to help her keep another friend out of her kitchen and away from her MIL for caste-based reasons. We left. As did the other guests.
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I would have done the same thing. I wouldn't feel comfortable "helping" my friend indulge her discriminatory MIL. I'd also question the character and integrity of a "friend" who asked such a thing of me rather than standing up for our mutual friend. You can be certain that such "friends" wouldn't stand up for you if you needed it.

Rihana · Nov 29, 2018

Thank you all, for the thoughtful responses.

I was thinking about it past few days. The point in one of the responses summed it up - concessions, even illogical ones, can be made for older family members, if all are making the concession. Only some having to do so is not good.

I don't know why I thought it to be OK. I was likening it to how in my house in dinner parties, some of my close friends have implicit permission to go to any room including the master bedroom/bathroom. This is from a while ago - but example stands. If a lady needed a blanket for a sleepy toddler, and I was busy, I would tell a close friend of mine where to find it rather than tell the lady who needed the blanket. My close friend would go get the blanket. This hierarchy would be obvious in the party. I would seek and accept help from close friends, urging the others to relax and enjoy company in the living room.

But yes, hierarchy based on how close the friendship is cannot be compared to a caste based one. The not-close friends have a chance of one day becoming my close friends.

Once again thanks for all the posts.

Cheeniya · Nov 29, 2018

And so the curtain comes down on this interesting thread!

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Practicing Caste System In Own Kitchen?

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