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Posting Again..need Advice

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by nolife, Dec 13, 2018.

  1. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    I am divorced, the same age as you. If a guy treated me like that , I would not give him a second chance. If we dont think we deserve the best , how can we expect others to treat us right. Please marry for the right reasons , forget parents pressure. Airplane rule, put your oxygen mask first . I would rather stay single, even die alone rather than compromise/settle/adjust.. Fool me once , shame on you.Fool me twice, shame on me.

    I dont know the answer how to find the right person. I have sworn off the arranged marriage way. But have seen it work for many divorced friends and family . Dating apps , I have only encountered creeps and good men seem unresponsive. I am learning to like being single for now.

    Reading this book , I highly recommend it

    https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Love-Women-Like-Relationships/dp/0692594353
     
    SunPa, GlobetrotterG, nolife and 2 others like this.
  2. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Silver IL'ite

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    Am not sure if I would say love marriage is any better. I used to think that way too, but I have seen cases here itself on IL where that didn't work. I would agree on thing I love marriage that since you get more time to know each other, chances of them hiding something from you like finances, health issues or temperament decreases.

    About the age, I am 33 as well and never married. After my last 2 experiences that I listed, I have made everything else my priority over personal life. Don't get me wrong, I too want to get married, have a family of my own with kids, but not at the expense of losing my identity. The single guys that I met would want to talk to me only after looking at materialistic things like my income, looks, city which I reside in and yes they don't come with the baggage/doubts. Divorced guy that I was going to get married too was the family oriented guy exactly similar to what I wanted, except he as well was not ready to take some household responsibilities and I thought it will change with time. However at the end he opens his mouth full of demands which literally meant they wanted full control over me and I have to follow everything that he and his family decides for me and he would keep doubting me or always feel insecure due to his past failed relationships.

    What am saying is even if you get married, you don't know how the new family or guy is going to be. In my case, even though I was hurt a lot, I find myself lucky that he opened his mouth before the marriage dates were going to get final. I wouldn't have been in a happy marriage if this had came out later.

    So my suggestion is to get busy and become the woman a man needs and not one who needs a man. I know it looks pretty in words but it needs more efforts, but final fruit of it is gonna be much sweeter than getting married to some wrong guy.
     
    SunPa and Sinant like this.
  3. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    I am in my 30’s, going through terrible phase of divorce after a short lived marriage. I am happy that I am coming out of the emotional abuse and don’t have to tolerate the cheap lies my DH said to me. He says he’s gay and I am still not sure what was he up to and the reason behind he coming all the way to India to marry me and ruin my life.I have lost trust in men, in general. I have been naive all these years and have lost confidence in myself. Though I am a professional settled in a well paid job, i have failed in my personal life miserably. I doubt if I will ever be able to be smart enough to choose the right person.

    Though I am not mentally prepared to look for the second one right now, reading about these weird personalities scares me like hell. After thorough retrospection, I have found that one of main red flags that I ignored during our courtship was his lack of interest in frequent communication. When confronted, he said that he’s not much of a talker, but was genuinely interested in this marriage. Out of desperation as I was already in my late 20’s, I didn’t give it undue importance and believed that communication would get better after marriage(yes, stupid me) All I wanted in a potential partner was emotional support and transparency. I couldn’t take it when I found that he’s a liar with no guilt or remorse. How can a human being be so inhuman?

    How to find genuinely interested men, looking for a long term companion as his wife?
     
  4. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    sorry for late reply ladies
    @sneha1985 I dont think I can be a women a man needs as most i come across are interested in phhsical relation ships but not commitment. Most divorced guys are worst. I wonder if can any guy ever understand the pain I am going through and be nice. One of my friend told me that age is main reason why guys are not showing interest as they get much younger good looking women.
    @Lightsource Communication was key issue in my past relationship too when I got married at 24 he rarely called before marriage and i felt its normal and later i realised my mistake.. my ex had gay traits too. He chatted in physical manner with his friend which I can never forget.
    I have been searching for guys since 5yrs but honestly none communicated well.. I know if all men are like this. Honestly only 2 guys chatted well and with one the motive was he is behind money and other one was that he wanted me for physical relation ship but not marriage as he was unmarried.
     
  5. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Silver IL'ite

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    Am not married ever and still trying to find Mr. Right, but I think communication is must in any marriage. And I mean 'HONEST communication'. I was dating a guy and we talked everyday for 6.5 months but it was all just general stuff. He always used words which showed he was very much interested in me and whatever happens he wanted to marry me, but the reality was completely different. Initially he showed deep interest in knowing me, then after few weeks everyday he would mostly talk about his family only mainly and wouldn't discuss about imp things like how things would be after marriage. He too was a liar with no guilt (he had 2 failed relationships and he just disclosed about one), no support or transparency too of any kind. He was planning to resign from his job and sit at home for few months and that was never informed to me. He opened up only after me saying yes for his marriage proposal. Even though I was ready to support him with everything, he still kept on hiding things from me and lying about it when asked. Eventually he started abusing me and my family and I had to call things off. While he was abusing me for 2-3 weeks, I was getting a feeling that he growing apart since his talk timings had changed, texting frequency had changed. But he would still continue being romantic over the phone and end call with 'I love you' even after fighting, so I kept ignoring my gut feelings. We were just left with finalizing our engagement and marriage dates, but due to his continuously growing abusive drama (he fought with me 5 hours over a call), I called things off. Just 4 days later, due to family friend's pressure, he called me to say sorry and at that point he didn't remember when we broke up (he kept saying Thursday when we broke up on Tuesday). That showed how much he cared for this relationship and all his 'I love you's'. It's been just 5 months and he is already officially engaged to another woman and is getting married soon too.

    So as you said, I too believe that support, transparency and honesty is must too in the relationship. Good luck to you and @nolife and hope you guys find your life partner soon.
     
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  6. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    @sneha1985 I am happy that you came out of this abuaive relation ship.. The guy I told you in my previous post (unmarried one) was also abusive.. his words were quite hurtful ..i had to block him thrice and then unblock.. i still chatted hoping he is genuinely interested in me and then i had to put an end to everything as he said he cannot commit. Good luck to you too.. I am being brutally honest about things though.
     
  7. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    Sneha, Thank your stars for finding out before taking the plunge. These type of guys are capable of acting as if they are the nicest persons in the world, until we take that crucial step. Believe me, I was not able to understand his real intentions, until I caught him red handed. Even then, it took me a while to come in terms with reality.

    Sneha and nolife, Good luck to you two in your partner search!
     
    CuteCancer, GlobetrotterG and nolife like this.
  8. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    I'm divorced too, but happily single :) . For now, iam exploring what my heart says. It looks like there are quite a few divorced women in IL.

    Thanks,
    Rekha.

    -----------------------------------------------------
    My blog : www.quora.com/profile/Rekha-K-75
     
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  9. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Silver IL'ite

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    Freedom/independence seems like a blessing after getting out of a bad relationship. You can do whatever you want and take as many risks as you want to.
     
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  10. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Silver IL'ite

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    This type of mind games will cause so much frustration and agony in future

    Pls end it and move on
     

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