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Positive parenting

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by swt.charu, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies..

    Wish you all a very Happy women's day !!!

    What triggered this post is my own frustrations a couple of weeks ago about my son's lathergy / general attitude and a bad parenting day

    This is the thread..

    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/schoolgoers-and-teens/281644-i-am-sooo-very-angry.html

    I must say a big thank you to all the ladies especially @shanvy for pouring her thoughts and suggestions. I especially loved the pdf she shared on motivation. I related immediately to this book and have already started implementing few ideas.

    The idea of this thread is to share our positive parenting experience / incidence on a day to day basis.. what we did positively as a parent and what positive impact it had on our own self in in the role of a parent giving us a level of satisfaction or a positive impact / change in our precious kids..

    So ladies... please go ahead and share your "positive parenting incidence"

    PS: I am an On / off "regular" to the site... there are days when I just don't log out of IL site the entire day or days when I wouldn't be seen at all. Apologies in advance if you find me absconding from the thread for few days being the OP. But this one is going to be precious to me.
     
    Durga18, ngiri123, Srama and 7 others like this.
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  2. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Let me start...

    My positive journey started 2 weeks ago after the incidence... my morning had started with me losing all my control and yelling at my son and refusing to see him off to school.

    Later that evening was predictable to me. His apologies for not being a good boy in the morning and my lecture on what good boys are like and what is expected out of him. I too would apologise for yelling and making his morning bad.

    Thanks to IL a bit of me had changed...I put a complete restraint on my "lecturing" part and decided to just "listen" ...

    "Listening" without any judgement or opinion did a universe of good to me. He "told" me many things which I had not even noticed. I made a promise to myself that I will not "yell" at him at any cost. He conveyed to me my "yelling" shatters him completely and he would do anything if I stopped yelling.

    and I stopped. One fine morning I decided to put a complete stop to yelling whatever be the provocation.

    Result : I see my son reaching out to me with an open mind. We talk more on various things and there are no more sour incidences.

    He still misses out doing basic things and gets back to his old habits.. I just remind him and let it hang there... he eventually feels guilty and "tries" to improve ... The try part is my mini victory.
     
    SCA, ManuManasa, Durga18 and 11 others like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    A few things I've learnt with this mommy role to my little terrorists in the past 5 years. Specially the past 2.5 years after having the second one.

    As you rightly said, the listening helped me a lot. I always listen carefully about everything what my children have to tell me.
    We working moms have less time, and energy to sit at one place and actively listen to our kid's pointless talks, specially if they are too young. But I ensure I make this as a priority.
    It also helps me to identify their problems, the root causes and also some possible strategies to mitigate them.

    Eg: My son usually goes to his School very happily. He likes the school, new friends and the teacher too. But all of a sudden, he started to fuss about going to School.
    He said he was sleepy, and then cried about one lost pencil. Refused to eat, and was very slow in eating.
    I thought it was just one bad day. But this continued for a week.
    He would be irritated, cry and become so angry since the morning. He would say bad things about the School, and always pretend as if he wasn't fit to travel.
    So, I reached out to his teacher, who was my acquaintance too. She said everything is fine.
    Some well-meaning relatives connected him to his dad, and other's when they were kids and assured he will be fine.
    But I used the past weekend to sit with him. I did not cook the b'fast or lunch, but spent my whole day with him. Played with him, watched TV with him, took him for a walk, and finally to the church in the evening. During all these while, I was asking probing questions as to what made him dislike his School all of a sudden, but not directly.

    Finally at the church, he told me something. Yes, he said "Mom, can you assure that our teacher won't ask me to read Tamil tomorrow? I was shocked, and I said 'Ok, let me call the teacher and inform this".
    Then I asked why? He said, she is asking everyone to read (some words printed in a sheet) and everyone is apparently reading, except me.
    I said, where is that sheet? Because he didn't have one such sheet. He said he wasn't given that.
    So, I checked with the teacher about this, and she confessed that she has forgotten to give him the sheet.
    In fact, there was a Tamil competition (that's our 3rd language) and the teacher gave every student a sheet with some words that they should memorize. My son missed that day, in fact a couple of days during that time as he was sick. Didn't go to the School.
    The teacher then forgot to share that sheet with him. neither she informed him about the reading test, nor she understood that he wasn't prepared. So, she punished (didn't allow them to play for a while it seems) those who were unable to read on a particular day.
    My son wasn't able to clearly articulate this to me. He didn't know about this sheet or about the fact as to why he missed it.
    This communication helped me so much to understand his reasonable fear about the School, and later I taught him all the words.
    Now he is going to the School with a fresh mood.

    Non-judgemental
    Every person is different, so are kids.
    My son is very spendthrift and selfish. Sometimes he is so careless, and irresponsible too. Since I am already suffering with an irresponsible husband, I tend to judge my son as part of his daddy. I sometimes go mad, and even scold him for that.
    But it is just for a second. The next second I realize every kid on earth is perfect as they come. They change and inherit certain characteristics, only from their parents.
    I also speak.. Speak a lot with my son about being responsible, taking self-care and caring others as a matter of good deeds.
    I don't lecture or don't force him to listen. But I interact these things via good stories and cartoonic examples which he likes.
    This works a lot in my case
     
    SCA, peddadas, Durga18 and 7 others like this.
  4. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    food for thought....I presume many of us have been in this space..how to best deal with this? a sign of poor campatibility between the partners resulting in judgements on kids ..

    Is there a way to set aside the compatibility issues and focus on the child ? or will compatibility issues always have a sideline impact on our parenting ?
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I still have this problem. Specially with my son - who is a replica of his dad by his features and actions. Gladly he has inherited almost all the good qualities of his dad, which I am highly happy about. However, he too has inherited some of the bad qualities, specially those irritating ones.
    Since my husband is beyond damage control, I am afraid what is in store for my child.
    To add more fuel to the fire, my FOO often reminds me of this, and asks me to do something now, else I will have to suffer double trouble in the future.
    In fact, I am being too honest here. But this is the only place I can be open and myself.

    I am also eagerly waiting for the responses. Thanks OP for flagging this issue
     
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  6. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    @SBGV..

    My thoughts ...

    Do not confuse Dad and Son... your son is as much a part of you as he is of his dad... keep trying to instill the right attitude without comparing or fussing over how he is a replica of his dad

    This is the positive .. focus only on positive and build these and shut out the negatives from mind atleast when you are trying to bring a "change" in him

    focus only on your efforts and nothing else.
     
    2 people like this.
  7. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    My today's success..

    Yesterday my FIL and I were having a passionate, animated discussion on our attitude at workplace... the theme revolved around how we take on challenging roles within the organisation which will enable us to grow in the organisation...

    My son was closely following what we were talking and when he did not get something he asked me about it which I explained.

    I intend to be more conscious about the topics I choose, what is being conveyed etc and use this (adult talk time) as a new tool to drive some of the points because I know he listens intently when we are discussing something.
     
    ManuManasa, curiousgals78 and Mahavid like this.
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Nice thread, swt.charu.

    "positive parenting incidence" PPI let's acronym'ise it. :)

    Mine is along the lines of the 'no yelling' - have to a large extent controlled my 'how many times do i have to remind you', 'I am an alarm clock and reminder service, a smarter app than the reminder on your phone' 'when will you clean your room' 'why don't you clean your room' ....

    Just dropped the above. I still remind, but casually. No lecture.

    Much more peace at home. And overall the amount of nice conversation has increased.

    I do still issue the funnier ones: "The book/plate/box does not have feet, it will not walk itself to ..." and "Do not roll your eyes at me (without looking in their direction)"

    PPI is like Positivity of the Day. :)
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Yes @Swt.charu

    That's my all time fear. But I've always controlled my emotions and rarely showed them to my kid. However, there were days when I am really fed-up with the dad, and then the same mistake is done by the son would provoke me.

    I strongly believe my husband's mistakes were part of his poor childhood. Even if my son seem to show similar qualities, I am sure they can be corrected with a right parenting attitude.
    I am staying positive about that
     
  10. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    yesterday this incidence happend...my DS negligently spilt something on the floor .. not once but twice.. my FIL started his 'da da da' and soon after my MIL started her soft advising. (she can never be hard on him and can't bear anyone being hard on him) later my H was on a ' da da da' mode for something else...

    My earlier self would have joined the gang in one or the other occassion but now, I consciously stopped myself... I just told him to clean up the mess he made and avoided sermon of any sort..

    4:1 adult to child ratio is too heavy for a child... I just want to make it 3:1 ... atleast one adult who can stop being a typical adult and just be friends..
     
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