Pls help me to decide whats best for me Friends

For my first Pregnancy i approached my mil first she clearly said she wont be coming for delivery u can call ur mom ....i remember my mom was a great help to me during my delivery because my mil doesn't want to work for me back in India also she has servants to do ... here in US nothing of that sort ..........

 

43 views and still no replies friends ..................

don't u feel its a problem .............

 

Hi ARS,
thanks for responding to me .................

i have been an obedient DIL all the time ... ignoring what ever they did and talk to me ....
iam not asking them to come to US not at all .... ready to take care of them ...
but my only concern is not at this moment when things went bad back in India just a couple of months back and that it self is not healed again they will drop here ................
believe me she wont me much help to me rather raising fights between me and DH and backbiting each n every thing n complaining to my DH ..she does all the time we cant change her mentality.....

when ever it comes to Problems related to My Inlaws never he stood for me ... instead me pressurize to be friendly whit them in spite of all such things happened ........all he wants his parents happiness he can go any extent .....to them happy

All these years ARS i just maintained silence taking all the crap from them but what i got not even acknowledgement from my DH inspite of going through crap now i cant take it any more ...............He knows all this but just maintains silence ..

all i see his don't care attitude towards me ... ......who cares if u talk or dont talk all i have is my family members and my kid who am i to him ........... .what ever u do to my parents i know how to handle i will give tit for tat for u ............this is what they train him to deal with the wife ...........can u imagine when he will visit my parents my mil will take him to kitchen and say what to talk and what not .....................
many time in front of me only his sisters told him u got to control ur wife from day 1 of my marriage ...............
he will just keep his mouth shut and listen to them and implement on me ............. in-spite of me taking care of the kid and household and his tantrums i have to bear on top of it their parents and siblings why we women have to think about the problems when these men will tend to grow up and stand for themselves ... forget about standing for wives not even for themselves ...all these years i waited to see atleast he will open his mouth when they say all bad things .... he used to feel really bad in early days of my marriage and he is the one who used to tell why u keep ur mouth shut u should give left n right .............actually speaking i don't know to respond to their talks so i used to be silent and again they will take a class for my dh as well for showing concern towards me as a wife ...........

 

SNG,

ThankYou so much dear for ur response ............. iam glad that u stepped in to share ur thoughts i truly appreciate it ....
really feeling very lonely no one to share with ............

After thinking a lot just like u i was hesitant for 2nd child SNG but again seeing my son talking to himself and the place where we live have no Indians so he doesn't have any one to play with .... its me all the time i mange him to do some thing activity or the other....
thought at least some one there to accompany him and one more point also is that if too much gap then there would be communication gap for both the kids thinking abt my kid
i thought for 2nd one other than that i was not at all prepared to go for 2nd one Sng ....


because of DH behavior during my Pregnancy time .... my parents left earlier than their visited time ... they cant see all the torture done to her own daughter in front of them ......
yes i should whole heartedly thank my parents because they didn't let me do anything thats why iam fit n fine till now to do all the household works everything on my own ....


1. Talk to them sweetly that it is not good time to come as u have to take care of two kids (I dono if this is possible for u)

u mean Sng talking to my inlaws u mean ... my mil is such a type who always wants to compete with me what ever it may be ... if i say yes she will Say no and Try very hard to prove me wrong ...
allt eh family members including neighbors she will make a point that she is good mil and iam a bad dil ............
even if i go talk to my neighbour she doesn't believe me she keeps coming on my back to see what iam talking or she will ask my dh to ask me to get into the house so for me no freedom in my MIL house .... no phone calls to my parents even they call these people will make big faces ... by looking at the faces i know who called me ............

for making a call to my parents house one day she created a big fight and asked my mom to come n take ur daughter ...... by the time fight starts my DH wont be available in the house to find the peace he will go out .......and this drama would be started by my Mil and DH doesn't even know the other side of My Mil .... like talking over the phone n asking me to come n take me ... i was simply crying for the whole scene .............
even if my DH knows he wont be of any help to me just listen to his mama thats it .......
now can u believe me being the silent still how the Problems arise ............

Frankly speaking daily seeing my Dh behavior towards me iam feeling really bad this is not i expect from him atleast when iam pregnant ... in india also he is never bothered me to take to the hospital as well ... he said ur staying in parents house so is their duty to take u to the hospital if ur in my house i would have taken u ...............
this is what i got to hear from my darling DH as a good Father ...
for get abt US citizenship ... iam not interested ...because we dont plan to stay here for too long only only until his project thats it ... he doesn't want to stay away from his family members .....i clearly said to my DH all these things when were in India if u accept for all this then only iam ready to stay with u .. other wise i dont have any intention to come to US also he said everything would be taken care of ... ........now after coming here creating dramas ............what to do other wise i wouldn't have shuffled back n forth from india to US.
i had gone through lot SNG i dont have any patience to deal with them .........
if i talk to her nicely or i don't talk to her ... i don't know what she wants .. all she wants is her son thats it never cared to know that one more family member being added as a family member for them iam like a Dog who has to sit and stand upon their commands other wise they wont be happy ............so theres not point to be nice Sng iam done with it ... ic ant act like them ... my inlaws are such great actors that even after fighting they will love me so much infront of my DH .
i tend to be silent still she caused the problem by taking my parents issue that they built the house or blah blah and she wll create hatred to wards my parents for no reason ... for everything she brainwashes and my dh reacts and acts accordingly he doesn't have any proofs for him still he wants to be in his imaginary world with the stories created by my MIL.................

when i left to my parents place then i left kid at my inlaws place they dont want to take care of the grand child ... so my dh kept on calling me to come n take care of the kid ...i then i told let ur parents enjoy with the kid let them take care of their grand child .. he says the funny excuse is kid doesnt know our language only he speaks is english then i said for a child if u tell him through actions also lot better thats not a problem to deal with .............
my mil fil they just show off how much they love .............i really dont know whether they love him because once my dh was telling his dad dont beat my kid i was surprised to hear this stuff...............
god knows what the truth is ..... when i didnt see i really dont have anything to comment whether they love my kid or not ......i know all grandparents love grandkids but age and tolerence level sometimes can play a vital role..
when things went bad in india forcible my dh took kid from me and went back u dont even know how much i cried for my baby dont know how he is been taken care of ...............till that time my dh was giving me the silent treatment because the reason i said wanted to stay away from his parents which he didnt agree and when we r about to leave to US a day before he came and said what ever u said iam fine with it everything would be taken care of .............then only i came to US other wise i wanted to live all alone by myself leaving my DH as well .............
because when he cant stand up for me inspite of me going through all this .........all he cares his parents what the use of staying with such a person who has so much love for u but when it comes to parents he wants to opt his parents only .....
so mentally prepared to stay all alone leaving my DH as well but later on he confirmed that everything would be fine .......
and slowly after coming here started showing his true colors ...........
everytime my parents used to send me again back to inlaws house after all these fights as well no blame to parents as well because everyone wants to see their child happy with their husband s ............

what help i can expect from my mil when she is least bothered to see my grand kid .......even for short span of time for a vacation everytime it ends with a fight .............i feel US culture is far good because no interference from any one only Husband and wife has to take care if the thing is applicable in india so many lives would have been better not going through all these mil problems any more ............i assume being silent and taking all the crap is also not good which i used to do before if any one r doing i request them to put a stop to it because later u have to repent for it even for being taking the nonsence crap from my personal experience it s my opinion because now i can see myself toomuch anger ... i feel everything has accumulated in me taking all the crap from them and being silent and blowing out now ...........which i cant take it any more ..
even if i go to india also he wont be feeling anything for me yeah def he may have to feel bad abt his kid that he gonna miss him very badly iam sure abt it ..............
he would be happy that my parents had to take care of the expenses for my delivery his mom and my dh would feel happy .............

i used to work before now iam not ... iam on H4 right now i was bit hesitant also in the beginning to transfer to H4 but based ont he economy i have to do that .............that when iam on H4 my dh would make me dance on his toes for everything because now i have to depend on him for everything ...
all my inlaws and DH are money minded ... People Previously my dh wasnt money minded but now i could see change in him as well .............


Do not u think pity for ur mom..she did so much.and what she got in return..this time u shouldnt call again...for repeating same story....dont she has self respect...so thnk this as a positive manner...it is good ur MIL is coming...better than nobody.....Do not butter her...but try not to give her any opportunity to talk about u to DH.

very well said SNG ... This time also my parents want to come atleast for a month to help me all they said is we want you to be fine thats it we dont expect anything from u if u want to we can put expenses all by us as well .......they dont want to see me in trouble handling both kids then i said clearly no ... let me mentally prepare myself then i will let u know
Let me prepare myself before saying yes to u guys ........bcz i dont want them to go through the insults and humiliation which they underwent before as a parents they dont deserve all this only the reason is they have given the daughter to my inlaws .....
yes everytime i felt bad abt my parents but they say thats ok we would be always to help u when ever u need ...when ur ready to do things on ur own then we will make a move ...........and they also said even if ur inlaws are also comming we r fine with it some one would be there to take care of u...
but she wont be much help to me instead i will be more stressed out ...
oh Sng i cant stop her to talk wtih my DH every now n then they will have chat in the ktichen ...
last trip also when i was busy packing up the things my dh would be with her mom talking in the kitchen so i made a point to stop this act .............do u think am successful no ....nor i cant change my mil attitude of talking me at the back and my dh enjoying the scene and secretly wanted to go ....
Previously when they used to have conversations then i never bothered to interfere but now i relaized i was wrong i need to stop by ... still both of them continue...... i now i just go there instead to stop this act .... but still when they get chance they use it ... i cant be all the time with them to drag my dh from my mil or sil from such act ...........expecting my due date with in 2 months and my dh is the only son to my inlaws .... many time he also felt bad for that ....
Patch up with ur DH before she arrives...and warn him...whatever fight will be there between us...will be in a room....do not say becz u do not want let her know...just say..if she will see that his son and DIL are fighting..she'll not feel good...and can go back early.....and I know this becz my mom felt really bad when we used to fight becz of her...no parents wants to see their children fighting becz of them....so we have to show them like we have no problem with each other.....He'll understand quickly....

last india trip i told him the same any fight don't scold in front of everyone come and do it in 4 walls thats fine with me ... we both have to talk it in privacy not infront of others ...
so he behaved himself well for few days and very caring and loving towards me , my mil was surprised to see his behavior iam sure she might have even thought of breaking this lovely kind of showering towards me am sure she was successful in that when i left to my parents place thats it he starts scolding me over the phone for no reason i wasn't at all feeling like talking to him ..............

.atleast if ur H asks u any question..why did u do that and blah blah...u can give him normal reasons....and let them think if u r wrong or right.....see how will they talk behind u here...do not give extra cell phone they have to use urs if they call in office....and infront of u at home..get them busy with kid only...

if no work is there in the kitchen she tends to be there and most of the talks would end up in kitchen with my dh .....
if she wants to talk to their daughters simple she takes the phone and walks out from the room and closes her door and talks ... if she wants to pass any sarcastic comments then she talk over in the living room and passes sarcastic comments ... i just do the things on my own and doesn't even bother to listen what she has to say ... one day my dh heard it and said why ur updating everything happened in our bedroom ...nothing of that sort happened ... its only curtain rods have fall on the bed and she made up a story that we had a fight the other day can u imagine .... can any one built a story based on that situation and me and dh were having a talk that night regarding the issues which r going on ...........thats it she imagines what she ever wants ..........creates a scene .......... i was there only i dont know abt it ... iam such a big fool ...
slowly started realizing them by the time its too late for me already 6vyrs have passed of my married life ............then quickly she handled my dh again very manipulative lady and no1 liar on top of it .........and my dh tends to forget very easily these small petty issues ...............
many times i observed my mil feeing very happy when dh is rude to me or scolding me she feels really happy for that
i could see from her face n many times she instigates my dh to do that ......
he knows very well that iam going through all this crap ... inlaws and their Sisters behavior is not correct but never he will le tmeknow abt this but i can feel it thats it ........
iam not wrong he also knows it but no acknowledgment ...............

SNG big Hug to u dear ..............Lots of Hugs to u ..............

based on all these scenarios let me know which step i need to take .............iam really confused ......but at times feel like going away from dh staying off the relation ship with him as well but again seeing my kid who loves him so much ........
that itself some times makes to feel...............

 

Yesterday my dh was telling me my mil wanted to talk to me and i said no it seems i said when they r bothered to talk to me and this time ask her to stop lying all this ....
both my dh and my mil talk to each other and i clearly said to my dh i dont have problem to talk with them but i cant plead any one to talk .. now she started telling my dh that i asked her and she didnt and then i said ... iam not deaf .. so far ....
when my inlaws doesnt want to talk to me at that time my dh used to give me the phone to make sure that i talk from my end ... and i asked him if mil asked then why didnt u give me the phone ... u would have given me the phone ... so he was silent ....so i said stop telling these lies ....
and he told i will just show u what iam i will make sure that u dont meet ur parents this time ... and blah blah ... then i said i already i have made my mind for all these do what ever u want to do .......do it .......and this time ask ur mom to stop telling lies ... and he said better leave to india .. then i said iam fine with it go ahead and book the tickets for me again he didn't do anything ......in action and i asked him to implement it based on his words do it iam fine with it .... but when it comes to action he doesnt want to ..

my mil is not even leaving me stones thrown to me even though i am not talking to her ...
Iam requesting the moderator Srividya to let me know the Procedure to message any one from my profile as i have 50 posts now Pls me help in this regard ....
and one more thing friends i have 50 posts now so if i want to message any one can u pls tell me the procedure as well .... what to do SNG any idea regarding this ...
if i want to message any one through my profile i couldn't do it ...........any specific procedure pls let me know .........

 

its not dear iam not fighting he has some thing in his mind and he spoke abt it ..........which iam glad that he shared with me thats a good sign instead of keeping itself and being upset about it he spoke thats good for us .


my dh already got the answer : when he said my mil wanted to talk and i didn't then i asked him why didn't he gave the phone to me when she was interested to talk with me ...he didn't replied anything to this... thats show that both my dh and my mil are at fault in crooking up all the stories ... ................
never i talk to her in the absence of my DH every time i talk in my dh Presence only ...
iam also ready to confirm it .... as well as u said .in my dh presence ..and i also know my mil s answer as well she says yes i wanted to talk with u and u didnt ... but i dont have any problem in confirming as well ........
actually my dh didnt even use his brain what ever my mil said he told me the same way ... when i asked him then he has no answer that itself shows that both are at fault ....
many time it happened mil will say what ever she wants to and my dh would be upset with it ... many times i told if u have any issue better speak to me rather than coming to conclusion based and confirm with me how far is this true ... he doesn't believe his wife ...but rest of the world is true for him SNG my bad luck what to do ... he should have trust on his wife ............he shouldn't rely on what others have say anything and if they say he needs to justify himself whether how far is that true or false with me ............

blah blah i wrote because he was telling me what ever the things happened back in India which i already conveyed through the Postdear thats it ............

i told him to book ticket he is just silent ... i will see if he doesnt book the ticket then i shall do some thing abt it ...but thanks SNG once again dear for ur suggestions i truly appreciate that .........thanks for taking ur time and effort in getting back to me ... atleast now iam not feeling like crying atleast some one is there who can listen to me ..thanks for that