Plight of Aged Parents with single daughters

I agree that not all daughters are lucky enough to be able to take care of her parents in old age. If she has a good understanding DH and in laws, then fine.

These days i see that many aged couples opt to live in old age homes or be independent. Also, there are senior citizens complex coming up where they have all the facilities in-house and an independent flat as well. Here in Pune there is one next door where only people above 60 are allowed to reside. If their children want to come and stay with them, they can do so for just a couple of weeks and no longer than that.

 

As a man, I am not sure exactly how much abuse / humiliation / suffering you have undergone at the hands of your in-laws. In fact, given how our society treats SNILs as Gods, it is natural that you see 'old people' as being wise and mature. But consider where you are posting. This is a forum full of tortured and mistreated DILs and your post comes across as EXTREMELY judgmental about those who do not want to live with their in-laws, after everything they have suffered at their hands. How do you tell an abused DIL that she is ethically and morally at fault for not taking her abusive, cruel, sadistic in-laws into her home and 'dumping' them, instead, in an old age home? It is not the "moral responsibility" of ANY mistreated spouse to take care of cruel, sadistic, abusive individuals just because they (a) are old and (b) gave birth to her husband.

Secondly, while grand-kids MAY benefit from the company of SANE, LOVING grandparents, they will only suffer at seeing their mother being verbally and emotionally tortured by their paternal grandparents every single day. Thus, it is in the children's BEST INTERESTS to not be around toxic grandparents and see their mother suffering 24/7. They may get the idea that abuse is NORMAL and that they (esp. if they are girls) should just suck it up and deal with it.

I hope that you will be more cautious when making statements such as the above in the future, as they are full of sweeping generalizations with regard to old age, 'wisdom', 'maturity' and 'moral responsibility'. Age does not automatically equal 'maturity' and 'wisdom'. In fact, this is an all-pervasive stereotype of the 'elderly' and not applicable across the entire senior citizen population. I should know this, not just from my personal experience, but also from my psychology background.

In addition, MANY of the people viewing and posting here are women who have the in-laws from H@ll and reading your post may make them feel bad for NO FAULT of theirs.

You obviously hold your views on personal care as opposed to nursing homes very close to your heart. Similarly, please respect the demographics of your audience here before insinuating that people who do not take care of their elderly parents are guilty of moral turpitude. Please think of the many abused / mistreated DILs here.

Thank you.

 

I don't want to quote your whole passage, as I think, you haven't really understood what I was saying. I never mentioned that the children need to tolerate their demanding parents by being willing slaves, taking abuse all the while. I was only talking about those cases where old parents are completely neglected by their children in the days when they needed care - which personally I can't reconcile with. We go great lengths at being cordial and helpful with our friends and colleagues, so why not to our parents.

Intelligent readers, would simply take it that whatever I mentioned have its own boundaries and scope of applicability, even if I didn't have to mention every time with so many disclaimers. I never expected anyone to share my opinions and expected them to take them for what they are - my opinions.

I am not going to explain myself anymore :thumbsup

 

old age homes are basically a western concept. May be that is why people are so hesitant in adapting it. I think it is still a huge taboo in India. People feel it is shameful to put their parents in old age homes. Like Visu, many feel it is immoral, unethical etc. to leave parents in OLHs.
The society is changing, and people need more freedom in their lives. not only the children(grown ups) but also parents. In earlier times, people distanced themselves from material world as they aged and spent much of their time praying and other religious activities. This is not happening any more. Today, parents want every pleasure from life even when they are old.The concept of distancing oneself from material world is totally lost. In this scenario, parents living with married children become very demanding and involve in their childrens' lives more and more which causes conflict in the family and lot of frustration for everyone(usually, it is the DIL who suffers). In modern times, it is best that parents live independently.

In response to Vidyavisu- I know many single parents who have children living overseas. They have built a house close to their siblings so that they can take care of each other. The key is to have good relation with your relatives.

 

this post has arised a question in me. even i am the only daughter for my parents.
my parents are very helpful me by all means. they never expect any financial help from me. infact they have gifted a hosue to me. post marriage my dad spent for my M.Phil. so i think its my responsibility to take care of my parents in their old age.
but i am not ready to take care of IL's . Let them stay away. i''ll have a brief visit, if they fall ill. My IL's have their own place. let them remain there.

in my old age i'll b in own place. Becasue i am going start a life in my new house as a queen of my castle. and i want to enjoy that till my last breathe.


raha

 

I have an older brother who is well settled in the US. My father passed away last summer any my mother decided to move to Chennai from Hyderabad. She lives by herself in an apartment close to my house.

When my father was alive my parents had checked a few retirement communities, including some really posh ones. They even stayed for a week in one such community as a guest. My mom hated the place as she felt it was an extremely homogeneous community, where every one only talked about their health problems and were over exposed to religion. Here is Chennai she has neighbors of different age groups and while she speaks religion to one friend, her other neighbor talks to her about the problems with her son playing cricket all day and not taking his board exams seriously.

But currently she is healthy, I don't know what her decision will be 5 years from now. I hope she will move in with me when she needs help. She visits the US often and gets along well with my brother and SIL. But gets very bored there .

Coming back to the question, When we are young it is very easy for us to talk about retiring into a home. But as we grow older, we need the company of our kids and grand kids. Children are the only social security we have.

 

How do those without any kids manage their old age? What about people whose kids are ALL settled abroad? What about people whose 'sammandis' live with their sons / daughters and who are thus left to fend for themselves because the couple cannot possibly take care of TWO sets of medically fragile, aging parents at the same time? What about Americans and expat Indians who routinely end up in nursing homes towards the very end of their lives? How do they do it? And if they can, why can't India-based Indians?

Personally, my hubby & I prefer to give our kids the freedom to enjoy their lives without having to worry about our care. As long as we are healthy, we will live close to one of the kids, but not with them. When we get really sick, we would not hesitate to move to a convalescent or nursing home to get the best medical attention from professionals, without burdening our kids and / or their spouses. Moreover, unless the kids (or spouses) are physicians or gerontologists, they cannot possibly give us the 24/7 medical attention that we would need, and even that would come at the cost of sacrificing their own time with their families, their careers, their own well-being etc. The way we see it, we didn't give birth to, and raise, our kids to treat them as our personal physician or nurse or maid at the end of our lives. We would ask to be moved to a nursing home as soon as sickness sets in, so that we don't become a burden on them. IMO, we should be our own social security and it is unfair to expect our kids (and grand-kids) to cater to us at a very steep cost to them.

BTW, I am not saying this only because I am young. MANY of my own elderly relatives (70+) are not very healthy but are doing just fine with FULL TIME, home-based, medical aides (Red Cross nurses) at their service. In fact, some of them have even told their kids not to relocate because they feel that they are able to manage just fine, even without their kids' assistance. If they (our senior generation) can do it, then I don't see why we cannot do it, too.

Just my $0.02

 

Nowadays we see a lot of old age homes/senior citizens homes coming up in every part of the country. People who live there seem to be happy but sometimes I wonder if they really are. I mean all parents would love to have their children staying with them or at least close by so that they can see them and their grand children often. But times have changed, people have gotten busy, there's no time for our loved ones and career and money seem to matter more than relationships. I am the only child of my parents and often think about this question arised above. My parents are very clear that they will not stay with us but would want to be close to us wherever we are in India. We live in the middleeast and plan to return to india afer few years. my hubby is the second among the 3 sons and a very homely person. However my relation with my mil isnt a healthy one, but even then i would want them to stay close to us and definitely not with us in future. I can never think of leaving either of them in an old age home. That is one reason me and my hubby agree on and hence we prefer to be in the middleeast, closer to india and absolutely no plans to migrate to western countries. As for us, we dont expect our children to have the same mentality so we getting mentally prepared to be part of the senir citizen's home when we get old. I would be happy if my sons where anywhere near us by but then its my wish/my dream which neednt necessarily come true.

 

Dear friends,

1. If my mother or father has to live alone [ if either of them passes away before the other] in their old age, I will bring the only surviving person with me in our home. If my MIL or FIL can live with us in their old age , why not my own parents particularly if my mother becomes a widow/ or my father becomes a widower. It will be difficult for my mother, without my father to survive in a old age home and vice versa.

2. If the husband supports the wife in bringing his in-laws [ his wife's parent ] in their old age to his home, -all wives will bring their lonely suffering parents to their married home.

3. As long as my father is there to look after my mother [ and vice versa] , they will not need my help or support except in case of disability and illness. But WHAT IF EITHER OF THEM DIES LEAVING THE OTHER ALONE ?- Will the only surviving parent be able to live a lonely life all alone ?

4. I also think that if finance was not an issue, no Son-in-law would hesitate to keep his wife's parents in his own home in their old age.

5. Also if finance was not an issue with the girl's parents [i.e. if they have saved enough money to survive through their old age], then they would also not hesitate to live in their son-in-law's house or rent a house near their son-in-law/daughter's house.


Thanks,

HAPPY

 

It is a thought-provoking topic. Contrary to my belief, most of the replies favour old age homes.

I completely agree with what Visu has said. Hats off Visu, to your father who did a lot of sacrifice for his children, and also to you, for being a pillar of support to him. I hope there are many more people like you who care for their parents.

Coming to the original question: Well, there is a stigma associated with old age homes in India and I can sympathise with your friend for feeling for her parents. Now, since neither she nor her brother can personally take care of their parents, one option is to hire a full-time maid. If they cant afford it themselves, you friend and her brother must pay for this maid.

Coming to my aspiration: I have not given any thought to this till now. After thinking for a long time, I feel that in old-age, I don't want to end up in an old-age home. Neither do I want to impose myself on my children and their families. I would be glad to live with them when I am very old or on my death-bed or so. I dont want to spend the last part of my life in the company of other people. Well, these are my wishes. But if my kids feel I am a burden to them, then, I would live separately, with the services of a maid.

Come on, man is a social animal. I feel I deserve the proximity of my children when I am senile. I feel it is the duty of the children to take care of their parents (physically if possible) in old age (really old I mean). And it is not wrong on the parents' part to expect the same.

Being a dil myself, I would definitely live with my in-laws and tend to them when they are no longer able to fend for themselves. I only hope that time is far away and they stay healthy for a long time, and God gives me and my husband the mutual understanding to tide over any problem we/I would face. Although I have faced several serious issues due to my my in-laws, I still think I owe them this service, because, well, I have married their son, haven't I?

Same applies to my parents. I am not sure how much it is practical; my parents would not think of living with me under the same roof. But, somehow, I feel I am obliged to be near them as they become very old.

One last thing - one of the fine points of Indian culture is the regard and concern shown by many children for their aging parents. Fights, misunderstandings, problems exist in all our married lives. It is our responsibility to emerge over these negative aspects and physically support our parents. We may be westernised, but still, our parents are the same old Indians.

This is my strong belief and I do not want to offend anyone.

Regards,
Sandhya