Plight of Aged Parents with single daughters

I personally believe old age home are much better than living with son or daughter's house. They will have there own freedom and they will have some one to share or they will have some activities as long she can support financial support.

 

Please Note: This is my personal opinion for myself and my DH.
When i become old then i want to live in Old Age home. This is one place where we can get good medical attention, something happens in midnight also easy to catch doctor, as well as, will have friends who are old and willing to talk with old people No cribbing that maid servant did not come to clean.. advantages things like that too.. :thumbsup

 

EVEN if we are lucky enough to live to become VERY old, neither my husband nor I would want to live WITH our kids. We will live independently, by ourselves, maybe CLOSE to one of the kids but not WITH them, for as long as we possibly can. Once we are BOTH unable to function independently, we would prefer to go into a nursing (or "old age") home, because such a place will let us live independently without the burden of day-to-day home management and housework or imposing on our kids (and their spouses). We are both quite independent and the very idea of living under someone else's roof (even our own kids') galls us. I am used to being Queen of my Castle and adjusting to someone else's "house rules" (even my daughter's) will not fit my personality.

As long as we live close to one of the kids, we would expect them to check on us, with a phone call or a brief visit, as often as possible. If it gets to the point where BOTH of us start needing more help (such as getting groceries, cleaning the house, going to the doctor, etc), then we will ask them to research good nursing (old age) homes for us and to get us admitted there. We are already making financial preparations for this -- after all, ALL of us will grow old and weak ONE day, so better to be safe and smart about it, than sorry.

All we expect from our kids, once we get into a nursing home, are monthly visits with the grand-kids! We want our children to live their lives to the fullest, and not have to worry about, or be burdened with, our care. We've lived our life and enjoyed it, so now it is our kids' turn! The only thing that we would feel bad about is having monthly, rather than weekly, visits with our grandchildren!!! Hopefully, we won't need nursing home care until our kids' kids are young adults themselves (yeah... WISHFUL THINKING!)

 

Old aged home is not a bad option at all. The problem with parents with only daughters is like other Indian parents who have been blessed with son/sons and not us lowly daughters is they cannot afford to rightfully demand and depend on their kid's income or help after marriage. If you have a son, you can rightfully DEMAND service from DIL, Money from Son and basically live like they are kings. If you have only daughters, you have to spend for her marriage, keep giving to her and then DO NOT even dare to ask your daughter's for any help. Am not generalizing that this is the same situation everywhere...but exceptions cannot be examples.

 

Whether we have son or daughter, me and dh won't be living with them in our old age. Our plan is 100% match with Malyatha's. When we are old we want to live close to our kids. Later if need be, we'll move into an old age home. These assisted living facilities are nothing to feel bad about. Meals, health care, and often entertainment is all taken care of. I'd rather spend the last years of my life enjoying time with my hubby and visits with grandkids than being a burden to my children. They can't provide us the medical care and supervision we'll need when we're old, and it's not fair of us to strain them with our care. Not to mention I'd like to retain my freedom and independence! Even if I had the option, living with my children FOREVER is just not for me.

 

Dear Vidya ,

In today's world of nuclear families , do you think having a girl or a boy as offpsring is going to make any difference ? Having a son is no guarantee that when we age he is going to be with us.Owing to education , work , travel and other things the culture of joint families is not viable any more.These are my personal views.Son or daughter, they leave the house for various reasons to pursue their interests which the parents also oblige and hence I do not see many parents trying be a hindrance to the prosperity of their children.

A lot of parents in fact encourage their kids to travel abroad and choose a city where they are more comfortable rather than staying in their hometown.In these scenarios, I really do not see any difference how men differ from women while taking care of their aged parents.Physically no one is present but emotional and monetary wise it depends on the indvidual to what extent can they support their family.

Coming back to your query in the post , I would rather stay with my hubby and not stay with my kids when I grow old.Well , I believe in personal space in any relationship and would never tag along with of kids.I will be always there for them but it is their life and they can live the way they want.

 

We didn't think of what we will be doing when we get old - seems like long way away to think of now.

My father was fully blinded because of glaucoma in both the eyes and the disease began to overwhelm him right during the middle of my graduate college. Just to support my studies and marry of my sisters - he continued going to office (2 years of service left for him) and doing things with the support of his colleagues. During summer vacations, I used to see how my father used to struggle with diminishing vision and used to ask me read the news (his favorite pastime). As the vision loss set in quite fast during my 1st year of engg, I was literally shocked to see my father having had to touch and feel his way to verandah, moving slowly trying to avoid trampling or hitting others. He had raised four of us children, educated us and never even thought of saving something for himself - even to the extent of having had to attend the office with almost zero vision - just for paying my college/hostel fees and marrying off my last sister.

By God's grace, I was able to bag a good job during campus interviews itself, while my father retired an year before. The choice was obvious for me, that I can never think of leaving my parents alone and that I would always keep them with me. Even though, I went on onsite trips in my career, everytime I made sure that I stayed not more than an year or so.

He refused long to shift with me, saying that it is good for him in his hometown. But once I had a big quarrel with him and forced him and my mother to come and settle with me in BLR. But after reaching BLR, not a single day passed without he saying - my son brought me such good weather and comforts in my old age, I can't be luckier. He is very emotional and used to always say, that I won't leave my son till death. I will live another 20 years, my son is taking great care of me, I don't have any worries. Whenever I used to come from long assignment, he used to call me to come close for hugging as he can't see whether I have thinned or fattened during my stay away.

My father passed away, 4 years, after having had shifted to BLR my workplace, on my insistence. If I had waited a bit longer, leaving him in our home town, I would not have forgiven myself. His is a life of utmost sacrifice and I am having a bit satisfaction that he was very happy for at least 4 years before he died.

 

If parents are well off physically and taking good care of themselves - then I think it is better for them to have their own personal space, varied lifestyle, group of friends - rather than insisting on living along with their children. Even not being financially well off is not a reason to come settled with son/daughter, they can even be at their hometown receiving money from their children.

That said, I feel, it is moral responsibility of children whether male or female, to look after their parents in their old age - if they are disabled or being too old to take care of themselves. It is another thing that we as parents (or even our own parents) don't believe in depending on their children, that is our perspective as parents. But as children, there is no justification, ethically or morally to leave old aged / disabled parents to fend for themselves in old age homes. The point here is not how good the old age homes are and how much "care" they offer. Nothing is more endearing in old age than being cared by your own children and helping them in raising their children, your grandchildren. Also I believe, the grandchildren deserve their grandpa and grandma, it is one more relationship that wound enrich their young lives with their grand parents' wisdom and maturity that comes only by age.

If my wife has any problem with my mother/my disabled sister staying with us, I can put them in a house near to our own. But the moment, I see, that they are not being able to take care of themselves - I would bring them to live along with me. I respect my wife's personal space and her desire to live only with her spouse and child, but then there is a need to being practical in that desire. My wife once said, that she is personally going to tend to my parents, if ever they are not physically well to take care of themselves - I felt so happy, because initially she didn't really like my attachment to my parents and tried to avoid them. Unfortunately, my father passed away not having a chance to have been taken care of by his DIL. I prepared my mother and sister to live separately yet live nearby to where we will live - as my wife prefers living that way and that if I feel that they really need us, I am going to bring them to live with us.

I extend the same courtesy to my wife (she is the second among two sisters) - she is free to bring her parents to live with us whenever she wants to do that. Even now, I don't have any issues with her mother living with her. I feel, my son deserves to have the company of his grandmother too and of course she takes great care of my wife and son, till the time we get settled ourselves.