Please help..Self worth

Lotusbud,

First of all — congratulations on your first post here on IL. I myself am an introvert and I can relate to what you mentioned about being a little more closed off than you'd like to be at times. It's okay and the key for you here is to take things one at a time. You don't need dive into a social networking spree, become a social butterfly overnight, and you don't need to commit to friendships or relationships that make you feel drained (not to say the people you are spending time with are bad for you or anything, just that if you're anything like me, you probably need designated time to yourself and for your loved ones and when you're deprived of that time, then you might wind up feeling stressed, drained and frustrated). You can work on interacting with others within the timeframe that you allot yourself so you keep your engagements "contained" to an extent.

But before I say anything else, I want you to realize that whenever you feel down, small or that you're anything less than worthy...please remember that despite the obstacles life has presented you with, you've overcome them all with flying colors. What do those flying colors look like? Let's start a list based on just a few from your post above:

1) You have a career to help you grow professionally and give you financial stability.
So many folks, even those who have been given every opportunity to succeed don't seize it. You not only overcame your obstacles, but you pushed yourself to have this and not let anything stop you. You have the qualifications, the drive and the will — you're already far better off than you realize!

2) You have colleagues that look to you for your valuable experience and wisdom. It doesn't matter why or what they're in it for and I wouldn't go in it expecting selflessness on their part. You're part of a team that looks to you for what you bring to the table. But don't worry, there's something in this for you, too. You have, in your hands, an opportunity to mentor your colleagues and you can use this to help you practice coaching others, learn how to anticipate and solve for issues that may arise and prioritize accordingly. You couldn't ask for a better opportunity to help you overcome your fear and hesitation to interact with others AND practice leading others to prepare you for when you have to manage a team or a bigger group of people. It may even help you gain more visibility in your team and company as an authority on a particular subject matter. In fact, this very well may be precisely what you need help you push you to reach out to others, learn about them along with yourself and gain confidence. You see, we are all always learning but we gain mastery when we are put in a position to verbalize or pass our knowledge to others...and with mastery comes confidence I do this myself both within the place I work and outside of it by coaching a class of students at a nearby university (I'm not the teacher, but a coach who makes myself available for students to help give guidance on their projects and answer any related questions...for now, I'm starting with 8 students from one class). At first, I was a little weary of the logistics involved but here's how I've maintained it: We email once to twice a week, have a Skype call once a week (usually towards the end of the week), and meet face-to-face once every two weeks (they come to me most of the time at a cafe or park or my office but I go to their campus or cafes once a month, too). It gives me the benefit of honing my coaching skills, participating in solving challenges outside of work, along with the opportunity to help those who are only beginning their careers. But don't forget, I also learn about them and their approaches to things, and what they're being in taught these days so in a way, so you could say that they teach me, too I am also able to put this on my resume, form connections with the university, and when I come across prime candidates...I have the opportunity to identify prime candidates as potential interns or fulltime employees.

3) You have someone special to be your partner in crime throughout your life and someday, raise a family with. You're one of the lucky ones who fell in love and got married the love of your life. Can we pause for a moment and reflect on how amazing that is? Now just imagine...how many great things can happen if you both work together? You don't have kids right now and that means you both have the opportunity to pursue your interests, hobbies and explore new horizons without as many obligations to stop you from doing so. Seize this opportunity and make the most of it while you still can. Kids and family are great and your priorities will change once you have them. So enjoy each and every phase of your life to the fullest — even the one you have now to yourself and with your DH. Take classes to learn a new skill or for your own wellness or professional growth. We live in an amazing time of resources and connectivity...so if you should choose to not attend an in-person class, you have a wealth of knowledge available online. Attend workshops, meetings and conferences associated to your interests. Try to learn something together (e.g. dance classes, rock climbing, etc.). Go hiking and explore your town or nearby vicinities. Try volunteering to help someone or an organization in need (e.g. women's shelter, homeless shelter, senior center, etc). Or better yet, work on your own side projects. DH and I do many of these together and not only do we enjoy more time together but we interact with others, too.

Now those things that I've highlighted in bold above...you were responsible for those things...and what is small about any of it? These things are important to remember and focus on when you feel insecure about yourself.

As for dressing — you probably already know this but it makes a ton of difference to ourselves and others when we dress well and take care of ourselves. FastCompany even wrote a recent article on how it boosts our productivity and efficiency....Read it here). If you would like any suggestions on what to wear, I'm happy to give them But to do so, you'll need to tell me a little about yourself...

1) Your age range and body shape type (Don't know? Find out here)
2) Colors you are comfortable wearing
3) Colors you are drawn to but are reluctant to wear for whatever reason
4) Your favorite clothes to wear to work today (pictures are helpful, they can be from online)
5) What kind of industry or environment do you work in?

 

Dear Lotusbud,

The fact that you opened up and discussing your issue here is a good sign that you really aspire to get out of your problem and has enough motivation to do so.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through despite the best life you have which many others lack. You have a wonderful career where you can explore and experience enormous growth and self-confidence and a caring husband to be with you at times of your need who had already demonstrated his support for your problems.

Most of the time, a difficult childhood causes loss of self-confidence. Children who were happy during their childhood days find ways to handle their trial and tribulations because of the self-confidence they gained during their childhood through happy childhood. Most of the time, people who lost their self-confidence always think of something bad that is round the corner even when they are experiencing the best life. In simple terms, they wait for the next major problem.

Deep down, you might be still living in your past difficult childhood days where you did not have emotional or financial support and lost your mother at a very young age. Instead of reliving the childhood, remember the steps that helped you to get to where you are today that would reverse your issue with self-confidence.

I would suggest the following steps for you:

1) Kindly request a counseling session with psychologist/psychiatrists and discuss everything that is bothering you deep down that is preventing you from socializing and feeling confidence

2) Try to open up with your husband about your issues (since he is a caring husband) and ask him for help to get your self-confidence. You could even practice socializing by pretending as though you are talking to a new friend at home

3) Try and practice speaking in a small gathering of colleagues who work with you and slowly develop confidence to speak fluently with the clients. Smile confidently at your colleagues before you start to say anything in the meetings.

4) Build a handful of friends with whom you can freely interact and share your thoughts who would not judge you. practice socializing with them freely to build confidence over a period of time before you make a lot of friends.

5) Practice Yoga particularly breathing exercises that really helps you regain your self-confidence. Create enormous trust in your belief whatever religion you practice and assume that a Trusted Advisor is going to be with you always to guide and help you conduct your life.

6) Lastly, even though many times people are afraid of having a baby especially when someone is facing socializing issues, it is probably is the greatest gift for you to overcome the ordeal you are going through. A smile of the baby can make you snap out of any problem in life.

7) Begin learning painting or some other hand work that would excite you and keep doing it regularly. It helps you gain your self-confidence. Show your work to your husband that would make him understand that you are doing everything to get out of what you are going through.

8) Take a trip with your husband on vacation to a new place and watch totally new faces that could help you to get some fresh air to regain confidence

9) Always believe that socializing and feeling worthy is not something you need to learn new and it is inherent in yourself. All you need to do is to bring that out with your effort.

I wish you all the best for a nice life ahead.

Viswa

 

OP,
Others have given you some brilliant suggestions. Can you give Toastmasters (Toastmasters International -Home) a try for office and other conversations. It helped me a lot in gaining confidence and these days I enjoy giving presentations in office.

 

Dear Lotusbud,

I missed out a very important point in my earlier response. I had gone through a period in which I felt very low when I established my own consulting business after being in the corporate world for a long period of time with 12-14 hours a day workload. Suddenly, when I had nothing to do, I got into a a very low self-esteem.

During that time, my wife really helped me overcome that by doing activities jointly including flower decorations at home and doing a lot of activities together. I also volunteered a lot during that period to help people who were homeless or economically disadvantaged. That flow of love from my heart towards people in need gave me a lot of contentment, self-confidence and self-satisfaction about what I already enjoy in life.

Viswa