1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Please help me to solve demand issue

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sheel, Jan 27, 2012.

  1. sheel

    sheel Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi..

    My problem is my in-laws demand saying its as per their customs..Recently I had my God Bharai ceremony..In our culture it is not much..like in my cousins house or relatives or sisters house..only minimal clothes were given to wud be parents and new LO to arrive..

    At my in-laws place they told me a huge list..CLothes for all family members and SIL family..and new LO to be arrived..Apart from that rice,sugar,jaggery,ghee,fruits and sweet..Now when I told my parents..they did not tell me anything but internally they felt why my in-laws are demanding..

    So when my parents came..and gave them all things..she started commenting moment they left that they have give less rice..,sugar..they should be giving 11 kg and all..and we are not in situation to show our face to others..All girls parents give and all bla bla..non sense..

    I know if I say my parents can give and shut their mouth but at the same time they do not like their demanding like this..so I cant say that give this quantity of rice and this quantity of sugar..but my MIL thinks since my parents are well settled they should have a heart to give..

    I know my parents are well enough..but I also know that the way they manage money is not good..but I feel I should not invlove in their family matters and tell that this is not good..invest here and not there..

    From starting the moment i started earning..I did not want to be dependent on my parents..infact i wanted to help them..Like giving them gifts and all..But I know my DH or in-laws will not like me giving then gifts and presents just like that..so I do not even mention that..but that was what i thought to do for my parents before my marriage..and my luck ..it was arrange marriage and I did not ask my husband about all these..

    SOmetimes my Mother will say and talk about her friends..how their friends daughter call them on onsite trip or give them gifts..

    I am lost in between my MIL demands and my parents thought..but in my opinion i do not want to expect gifts from anyone..I do not mind accepting gifts..what I mind is asking them..I believe everyone gives as per their wishes..so why shud I ask..

    Now my doubt is what should i do..because my MIL keeps on saying that my parents do not give enough..and I do not like to ask my parents for each and every ocassion in the name of custom..
     
    Loading...

  2. dakshayaeni

    dakshayaeni Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    95
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Sheel,

    First cool down lady. I am not sure how long you are married but if its a new marriage I guess you may need to give some more time to adjust your in laws with you and vice versa. Also, no matter how much you try to make IL understand, the fact is we, human take our own time to understand things in our own way. So, by making an effort you will only be getting all the more challenged and worried. You know something, I learnt a thing from my own IL house. Wife of my BIL, when was new, she used to get all such remarks like you have mentioned, but she kept mum and even said sorry to MIL whenever MIL used to comment. Slowly my MIL changed seeing that there is no retaliation from the 'Bahu'. And after sometime, my MIL started saying to our SIL that 'Bahu's parental rituals are different hence we cannot help' :).

    You know what, acceptance requires a time. How much is very problematic to define. But if you sometime bent a little w/o compromising on your philosophy, ethics, and safety gains are immense. However, in case situation are too extreme, I feel its better to talk to your hubby in a place where he will not have any other influences and can listen to your feelings.

    Cheer up friend, you are not alone, some of us are going or have gone thru' similar experiences. God be with you!
     
  3. sheel

    sheel Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks dakshayaeni

    My MIL dint use to say anything for one year..suddenly she started that clothes are not good..my DH says he do not mind all these things..but thing is when we all are together..and she says all thos epoints..it turns my DH and my FIL against my parents..Boys will normally be not interested in all these stuffs..but she keeps on saying..all parents do..her parents should also do..I think this will increase negativity towards my parents in my DH's mind
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,863
    Likes Received:
    5,078
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    If you're happy n satisfied .. then you can simply tell yourself.. its OK.. telling MIL or others who're looking for an opportunity to put you down wont help.

    Also if you have no option but to live with them, then get a list from them what all they're looking at, assess the amount that will be spent.. ask your parents if they're willing to put in.. if not then you can keep the items ready from your pocket money/ salary.

    If she still has issues then you can simply tell her that its going to be like that only.. and neither they can change nor you but will simply strain relationships between DIL n MIL, she can choose between materialistic display or peace. If you dont have the guts to say that just express it to your husband in a calm tone.
     
    2 people like this.
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,863
    Likes Received:
    5,078
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Sheel what has to happen will happen.. you cant stop unhappy MIL complaining to her son.
    You cant force your parents to start spending as per her thought pattern...
    Over the yrs of such complains/ snappings... My parents are a complete cut off from this side, its ok.. life goes on.. its better to attend / visit your parents alone.. minus a grumpy face partner filled in with explosives due to unhapiness of his mother and her long list of expectations.

    Ppl who have to remain happy.. will do so, those who wont will find another reason.
     
    5 people like this.
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    16,217
    Likes Received:
    22,913
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Sheel,

    All the best.
     
    5 people like this.
  7. dakshayaeni

    dakshayaeni Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    95
    Gender:
    Female
    I do not know the sign of 'Agree' for example we this 'Like' option I feel we must have this "agree option as well' I agree agree agree with what Shilpa Ma stated.
     
  8. sheel

    sheel Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    oh my god..I am frustrated..Its been a week..but she is passing comments like that..and i have been listening..If I say something..she says..you have to listen...I will tell 100 times..that your parents haven't given enough..today she complained to my Husband on phone that your in-laws are bad..they don't give anything for us..oh my god..please help me ..I feel i will be depressed like this if I stay here..I am feeling all my youth will be a waste living and listening to MIL :(
     
  9. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    712
    Likes Received:
    588
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female

    Dear hugs to you, what is your DH takes in all these? You need to make him undertsand that this need to stop. Would he support you if you would like to stop this nonsense? Such issues better solved with DH on your side
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. sheel

    sheel Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi..

    I talked to my DH and told him that I cant ask my parents stuff now and then in terms of customs..and even if I ask..it would in turn spoil their reputation only..

    He told me to be out of this..Also he told me whatever your parents will give..my parents will always find fault in that..So be out of all this..In case they really want they can talk directly to my parents not involving me..

    What should I do next..Till now I have not told my parents that there is a big talks going on because of this
     

Share This Page