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Please help me not to explode - need your prayers, harassing BIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by confusedwoman, Nov 13, 2014.

  1. confusedwoman

    confusedwoman Silver IL'ite

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    My moms says this was the method adopted in olden days in joint families if there is a mentally sick/insane family member. Deny all their verbal abuse and craziness. So they can have a socially acceptable life. I have to wait for the craziness to come out in open not just family. Till then avoid like you would a rabid dog.
    I don't think me yelling or showing anger will change an iota of what BIL does, rather increase it as it is a trigger. If I stop him fro
    coming to the birthday,he will just do triggering over phone, and husband will ask innocently, can't I even talk on phone with my brother?
     
  2. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Ask your husband to cut phone next time h says something like that.
     
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  3. ladki1

    ladki1 Silver IL'ite

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    u r a mother...how can u heard such a thing...Give a nice blast to your bil......so that he thinks before speaking........for the happily family namesake...y u r encouraging to bil silently......
     
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  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Confused woman,
    Don't be confused anymore. You know your bil is sick. Your il's and h is avoiding and encouraging it at the cost of their relationship with dil and wife.
    You say this is your h's second marriage. I think he just plays it safe with his family and they push everything under the rug. Like your Mom says your bil is crazy and he is protected by his family members.
    Now You stay focused on you and your son. If your son is old enough let him know about bil's sickness and not to take any crap he says to his heart.
    Meanwhile I think when your bil opens his big mouth in public than all will be in the open. Until than all the best. Pray for peace and love between you and h and kid.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If this is the case OP....then they all already know.They are not in denial.What is the revelation of his true self in front of his family going to do? They already know.

    I have great sympathy for you and your child.......just don't expect too much from that husband of yours. He didn't learn a lesson the first time.You may have to be ready for some alternate plan.

    Hope things work out for you.Hope that POS disappears from your life.Don't be disheartened by our suggestions if they don't work for you.Venting will atleast make you feel lighter.

    Meanwhile...work on financial security for your self and your child.
    Try to minimize bil's involvement in your life.Present your case to your husband.Tell him how you know the POS is trying to break your marriage...and your husband's second marriage .Tell him he need not accept it to you ...but at least accept it in his head and heart.Tell him if he wants a relationship with with everyone...then he can have his two lives.Bil can be a part of his life but not yours and your child's .Your husband can communicate and visit him but you will not...and he will not come to your place.Try it if things don't work out.

    Don't take his threats of going to India and taking care of mil's relative if your marriage doesn't work. He will be paying a huge alimony and child maintenance for the rest of his life.This is his second marriage.Just because he got off easy the first time ...don't think he will get away every time.Your husband has as much to lose as you do.I hate such men who don't care enough about their child's feeling but are ready to take care of other's children.

    Anyways ...do vent and believe that you have lots of well wishers here and we will all pray for you and your lovely child.hugsmiley
     
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  6. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs to you dear i dont have any other words to tell.This is a very difficult situation.You are targeted regularly for a reason ,but nobody around is willing to accept that.You are told that everything is your own imagination. To hell with them.

    Your H keeps repeating that you are trying to divide the brothers.May be that is the family tag given for all your out busts .Change the tag by answering to that tag with your own."your brother is trying very hard to break this marriage also ".

    Your situation seems to stay in a bubble.So be careful with your finances .Like the yellow mango suggested try to bring your BILs presence in your house nil.Make an alternative stay arrangement if thats possible when he visits .Keep yourself off him as much as possible.No need to keep it a secret.

    May be your questioning him before everyone and refusing to take his abuse is the reason he is starting to crack.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,
    I am shocked and sad to read this additional information from you. You are blaming the BIL but the entire family unit seem to enabling him. It is as though that family is a beehive and BIL is the queen bee of the hive. Each person, your h, fil mil are playing out their assigned roles and they are happy to. My question is how did you wander into this hive and get trapped here? You appear to be the odd person out.

    If, in spite of one failed marriage, your confronting your h, your threats to leave AND leaving him twice if your h hasn't learnt his lesson then I really wonder if he ever will. They say you can wake up a sleeping person but not one who is pretending to sleep. In your post which I have quoted you have written several sentences beginning with 'I have to'. Please take it from me. You dont have to do any of those 'have to's. You are deluding yourself. You dont owe this family anything. Yes you do owe a duty to your innocent son and that is to take him out of this unhealthy family dynamics and environment somewhere far away and raise him to be a healthy happy well adjusted adult. That is about the only thing on your list of 'have to's that you have to attend to. Dont torture yourself with unnecessary thoughts that your son willl lose father's love. What father, what love? There is no love that I can see. It is a nonexistent mirage, your delusion,that's all.

    My best wishes and hope that you end your confusion soon and come out of this.
     
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  9. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, your latest posts make the picture a lot clearer. what can i say...you have fallen smack dab in the middle of some pretty dysfunctional family dynamics. has your BIL been diagnosed with any mental health issues? it looks like he has been the prime bully in this family and everyone has been accommodating and adjusting per his whims and fancies. your IL's sound afraid of him, but have enabled him to a large extent and your DH is a victim of this long term conditioning. everyone knows it but nobody wants to confront the gorilla in the room.

    while you have a good understanding of the situation, please be aware that waiting for "his paternal instincts" to kick in might be a mirage, because he has already given up on one marriage and even then he has not been motivated enough to cut out this toxic relationship. this is a very sad situation and i think waiting for a change is a pipe dream.

    have you considered counseling for your husband, maybe hearing it from an outsider might give him a new perspective and show him the reality of how messed up his brother is. ignoring it has been comfortable rather than facing a painful reality. but, OP, you need to consider how this dysfunction is going to affect your kids (am not sure if you have more than one) as they grow up in the midst of all this toxic drama.
     
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  10. confusedwoman

    confusedwoman Silver IL'ite

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    Dear IL's,

    I cannot thank you enough for standing by side like this, it means a lot to me that so many sisters have taken the time out of their busy day to advise me for my and my sons betterment. As you can imagine I have been used to have my objections and revolts being pushed under a rug.

    I have gone through all the stages mentioned by the IL sisters who posted replies.

    Now that I have looked past initial instinctive atavistic reflex reactions and having handled abusive people in my life, I know BIL is a typical abuser, he studies the victims for a long time and decides what would give the biggest bang reaction wise and hurt wise and uses it. I know medically, the only way to bring out these abusers is not react.

    I know it may sound cowardly/apathetic to many of my sisters here.

    But ladies as I am trained in medicine ( with a lot of my parents finances spent and a lot of sleepless nights by both me and my parents to make me reach where I am). I can put many of your fears to rest. Trust me when I say the disintegration ( medical for abuser showing his abusive nature to general population) is near.

    Thus there won't be a question of my son growing in close proximity, even now we have moved 7 states away, a 10 hour flight. So, when all fails I fall back on my education. It served me well before, I will keep you ladies ( my dear sisters) posted. :)

    P.S: All of you make me feel like being able to handle anything.
     
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