Please help me not to explode - need your prayers, harassing BIL

OP,

Having read your previous thread, it seemed your BIL wanted to separate you from DH. This may be a new strategy he is using. Whatever the reason abusing your child even jokingly is not acceptable.

He knows that DH will not talk back to him, but you will feel insulted if he targets your child. I would say do not let it affect your relationship. I don't know why your husband tolerates him. But still, talk about BIL to your husband, calmly. Do not fight over him, as he seems to be trying to create rifts between you and husband again.

I feel confronting BIL will not work. He seems too retarded to understand logic. Reduce your and your child's interaction with this stupid man. Of course, do it subtly. Do not make him feel you are avoiding him. Pretend to be busy with your son and your lives. No use to pay any attention to his BS.

 

op dear, let us look at the psychology behind this. Only when the person feels pain or discomfort he will look for the source and try to remove it do you agree?

Okay now let us look at your dear h and his situation in all this. Right now he is in very comfortable position - he does not have to lift a finger or say a thing and yet automatically he is getting 'good son' and 'good husband' award from his parents and from you, is it not? And on top of it, he does not even have to bear his bro's bad behavior, you are his brother's target. So in every way he is comfortable with this situation. Uski toh chandi hi chandi hai, right? Then why will he try to change it?

The only mistake in all this perhaps innocently is you giving him 'good husband' award. Let him earn it for a change.

So what you have to do is make your h feel the pain you are currently feeling. Every time your BIL opens his mouth, your h should cry out in pain.

Stop giving your h a free pass. You want to explode, please. Go ahead, explode at your h. Accuse him that because of him such a person has come into your life and you have to put up with such behaviour. It is all his fault. Refuse to be reasonable, refuse to be rational. Then refuse to snap out of it. Keep brooding, keep ranting. And because you are upset and sulking, withdraw all the wifely privileges and perks your h is enjoying. Temporary hiatus for a few days. You are not in the mood -- to cook his faves, maybe to cook at all!, to smile, to enjoy etc, etc. Reason his bro's big mouth.

You h should be able to clearly connect the dots. When bro opens his mouth, then his own life becomes a living hell. And after each such incident, it should take your h a loootttt of effort, a lot of pacifying to restore peace in his life. Make him really work at pacifying you. Do this a few times consistently and hopefully your h will start taking some initiative in this matter.

 

^ Not to confront, but I am a bit amazed when ppl give the "train your dog" advice (pardon the term dog, but its a very equivalent analogy). I may be able to train the dog to bark and it may eventually indeed bark, and may sit and may play fetch. But at the end of it, I have a trained dog. Not a marriage that I'd be able to respect or be attracted to. Basically, the basic ingredient is missing. One can train but that will produce a trained robot.

 

I totally disagree with you. Your comparing my post to dog training and robot training is not an equivalent analogy, it is quite derogatory actually.

Your opinion of what *I* tell OP doesnt really matter, does it? You have your opinion, I have given mine. It is for OP to pick and choose and decide what resonates with her.

 

he had a slip of tongue three times, because that is how many times he repeated it. there are times when you keep your cool and times when you fight the good fight. you sound him off right on the phone and walk away. there is no need to have a fight about it with your husband right after. but do ask him if he, as a father, does not stand up for his son, who will? are you seriously going to allow this person into your home, for your child's birthday celebrations?! what would happen if you straight out told him he is not welcome anymore because you will not allow disrespect and ridicule of your child...sorry but your husband needs to grow a pair.

 

ok, wow, like really, wow! i just went thru some of your older posts and it's quite clear this creep is on a mission and has a specific agenda. the problem is your husband. you can slap this POS but if your husband is going to meekly go and offer HIS cheek as a result, you are staring at a situation that will keep looping. this is my perspective- i want to keep my marriage and stop this creep from spoiling it, but if he starts using the kids as a weapon of choice, i am NOT going to stand by and allow it just to preserve a relationship with someone who cannot even do his basic duty as a father. POS is going to have a war and know that he has crossed the line one too many times. that starts with disallowing him from entering your home and preventing any contact with the kids. with or without your husband's support. because this is someone who will soon start talking thrash about your kids in front of them. nip it in the bud.

 

These kinda threads used to get me rattled and worked up in the past in IL. But these days, I'm able to write a lot more calmly, even if it is this sorta thread - (even though I write firm/aggressive reply based on the situation). I guess, I am learning detachment from IL threads, because if we imagine it in real-time, it affects our mind as well. Good to have that detachment even when posting replies.

 

Hey thats an awesome idea