Please Help - Husband just doesn't like my parents

Dhanlakshmi · Jan 2, 2012

My Husband doesn't like my parents.
They live far off, no interference in our lives. Ours was an arranged marriage. FIL says that some facts about me, were sugary and misrepresented, no shortcoming though. The relation between my parents and FIL is strained and my hubby is trying to be in shoes of my FIL. I think he should remember, he's Son in law and not at par with them.
Though my FIL says me to give him time and try to change him...I feel he's fueling his son further by not letting him forget things. FIL keeps on reminding about what my parents said to him and its not true, etc.etc..
FIL always have stories to tell of his mistakes and with negativities to tell to his son, all in the name of teaching him about the big bad world, as if there's nothing good in this world....and what's hilarious is that after saying and talking all the sad things, he'll say "leave it"
.
I was not part of things when marriage was being decided, but I feel its just the way of saying things which got in troubled waters. My FIL and hubby both takes words in face value and can't interpret it positively.
I'mbeing patient but I'm the only daughter of my parents, they wish to talk to their son in law but he's not interested.
Also FIL and hubby are very good at pointing fingers and if I say something they'll mock me or term it as unimportant issue.

I've been married for 6months only. I'm very positive and happy go lucky person, but this behaviour towards my parents is stressing me, am out of mental peace.

Hubby is very caring, when in good mood. But its laways about his life, his thought, his family, its never us.
I'm right now looking for job, coz I want to do it. Also if I'll not do job, I''ll be worthless for my hubby. But this he knew from the beginning that I was not in job. He says he wanted a working spouse, I tell him, why he agreed to marry me.
My parents though don't know many things, can sense the situation and tell me to be patient and be happy..but how? How can I be happy if my parents are totally being disregarded and ignored. I never had any airy castles about my life, but atleast I wanted my hubby to be like a son to his IL's, atleast a gentleman, was it too much?
The marriage has totally lost me, don't know how to manage it, and why only I should be silent and manage it?

Hubby wants me to talk to him, I tried, but found that it is of no importance to him. Now I don't discuss any thing of my issues with him. Why should I, if he's isn't concerned or serious about it, I'm not story-telling him. Also, whenever he tlaks with me, he's very negative, about me, my parents and our future....only has complaints...it pisses me off gr8 deal and lost my interest in talking with him.

Please help.

How women adjust and manage their marriage?

Young@heart · Jan 2, 2012

My Hugs to you!!!!

I have no real advice to offer that to tell you to make your bond stronger with your Husband first.

Yes I agree that your expectation of a normal gentlemanly behaviour of your husband towards your parents is a very basic and genuine need. Give him some time to understand your parents.

You are newly married...stress will not get you anywhere...

Do you stay with inlaws? Try to spend time alone with your Husband.

I know i was not helpful in giving advice. Just wanted to let you know that you are on the right track as to expectation of behaviour from your husband to your parents. Be happy and try to enjoy your newly married life to the fullest.

Warm Regards

daffny · Jan 2, 2012

hi friend I dont know why you think this much in 6 months that your marriage is lost. First one year there should not be anyone whether your or his parents in between you and your husband. this is the period you should give more importance to your husband get get is love and attention towards you. just concentrate on your husband and relationship between you two. be happy and enjoy the married life for few more months. then everything will come into normal and as you wish. there are some guys like your husband not giving importance to girl's parents. reason may be shy or their parents' word about the inlaws. but you just don't bother now. keep talking to your parents as you were and don't ask your husband to talk also. within few months he will understand everything. he will understand your parents love and care towards you both. but by compelling him to talk or showing face you cannot make him talk to your parents or achieve anything in this. JMO

Dhanlakshmi · Jan 2, 2012

Thanks Daffny, actually I was so positive person but my hubby's attitude has bruised me badly, being an only child puts lots of resposibility and I want to love and take care of my parents and keep them off any sorrow...am feeling that because I'm their daughter, they got such SIL and are pained...its very painful to see your parents in pain because of you. I have no issues in giving my relationship, my husband the nurturing it wants, but I should also feel that I'm important for him, his whole world revolves around his father, his sister who's married, his BIL and his Brother....I'm nowhere. Does marriage is like this? My parents called hubby to wish for new year and he didn't pick up their call....should I ignore?

indus2 · Jan 2, 2012

This is a tough situation. I think ur hubby needs a broader perspective and needs to realize that he wouldnt like it if you behaved like that with his parents. Looking for a job is a good idea. It will make you independent and give you the confidence to communicate these problems clearly with your husband.

Your husband is a good guy though so not much to worry about. If he agrees that the two of you should treat parents on both sides the same way, that should be enough. This will mean that you dont have to worry about in-laws if he doesnt worry about his in-laws. Having said that, if your in-laws live with you, you will naturally be expected to take good care of them.

In that case, you need to convince him that the same or atleast a reasonable treatment needs to be given to his in-laws too. There are some things that definitely dont work with husbands when you are trying to discuss controversial issues - 1. Dont nag him every single day about it. Find a good time to discuss, say everything you have to and observe his behaviour for the next few weeks. If things improve a little, show your appreciation. If they dont, find a good time again in a few weeks but dont nag him a little bit every day about this. 2. Dont raise your voice and dont make it sound as if you dont want to listen to his side of the story. If he is wrong, let him finish and dont cut him off. The same goes for your husband when he talks to you - but I guess he is not reading this post !

daffny · Jan 2, 2012

I understand your worries dear. but he seems to be more attached to his family. so if you behave like this or make this as an issue the more he will hate your parents. just leave him like this. make sure he loves you more and the relationship between you two is wonderful. there is a long life ahead in which he will sure understand your parents nature and affection. be good to your inlaws for now as he is too much attached to them. show more love towards your husband and try to get his love first. this is the VERY IMPORTANT one in the first few years of marriage. if you are successful in this soon he will do whatever you want. DON''T WORRY too much about your parents now. as you are the only daughter your husband and inlaws must know that they are your responsibility. but they may behave as if they dont know or dont want. be more loving and caring towards your husband, which will bring him closer to you. bring up these topics later.

renutn · Jan 3, 2012

Hi dear,

Don't worry too much; as given advice by other IL's I also say the same; some men are very shy and they will take time to get adjust to their in-laws. And also they don't want to show their parents that after marriage I am still your son and not changed . So he has to balance both his parents and you. Gradually he will sort out the things and will bond with your parents too.
Initial one year you have to make world that only you and your husband. If you both are staying with your in-laws then get some free and private time for you and your husband.
And once you start going to job and becoming independent woman that makes him to give more attention to you also.

Things will go good not to worry much

Dhanlakshmi · Jan 4, 2012

I know that I need to build my relationship strong with my DH, but how on earth can that happen over pain of my parents? Am not able to forget the pain my parents must be feeling. Though I am not bugging my DH, infact didn't say a word about it, try to be normal but am very sad from inside. Also I don't feel any emotion in my relationship, there is no "US", its only him all the way....how can I explain him, he overreacts, shouts and say am like this.
Atleast I want to give some mental peace to my parents...is that too much?

Dhanlakshmi · Jan 4, 2012

Please give some practical solution...I can't ignore my parents.

renutn · Jan 4, 2012

@DhanaLakshmi ...yeah saying is different and adopting is different; we are also no different in that.
Your husband has given pains to your parents; agreed ...now keep it side fully. For some time don't bring your parents in your relation.
your DH thinks about only himself .. will it be possible for you for some days just leave him as it is and you think about your job and your life parallel doing your household activities.

Try that, when you are building strong your world your husband will realize and probably he comes in your world after realizing his mistakes.

All is well ... be positive