Please help - first baby and lot of postpartum depression

Discussion in 'Post Pregnancy Care' started by poojsharma, Dec 6, 2011.

  1. poojsharma

    poojsharma New IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    I am new to IL and looking for some help on dealing with postpartum depression. My Baby is 3 months old and I was quite ok in first one month. because of babys arrival and my mom coming over to help as well. i live in mumbai alone with my husband and there is no social circle due to the BPO jobs both of us do. Once my mother went back, I started worrying about leaving baby with the mad, job security, etc. Also I had my first baby at 31 and now I regret waiting for so long. I feel if I am not able to work in my 50s, my baby's future could be endangered. My husband has eyesight issues and he wont be able to work for a very long time. I am seriously planning to quit the job and do something of my own now so that by the time baby is going to school, i am settled, however, due to depression, i have lost the courage to do anything. I am worrying too much about the future and it is impacting my present, my baby and my husband...

    anyone who can offer some counselling or advice is welcome,

    thanks,
    Pooja
     
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  2. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    You are only in your 30's and you are thinking about 50's.
    Many woman and couple have kids in 40's
    Just plan for the present and focus on the present and enjoy the present.
    Looks like you are just back to work and overwhelmed. So you are focusing on 20 years down the road instead of tackling your current new work schedule.
    How is the baby doing with Maid. If the baby is healthy and happy half your battle is already won.
    Talk to the people whom you work with and see how they are planning their days.
    Talk to H and plan financially so you are saving for baby and retirement.
    Also, talk to your doctor. Doctor will be of great help.
     
  3. poojsharma

    poojsharma New IL'ite

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    Thank you ARS for your quick response. I do agree I am over reacting and thinking of way too ahead in future. Baby is doing ok as of now, however, I am asking myself till when can I keep him with maids as in my field, i will always have to work long hours. also the fear is affecting my ability to switch career or make a move. I am trying to clear my head but end up staying awake all night..... Will make a conscious effort to stop worrying.. lets see
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Pooja, first of all hearty congratulations on the arrival of the little one in your family!
    As a mother, it is but natural that we worry about our children. There is absolutely nothing wrong in it. Having said this, have you already returned to work? I am guessing yes from your previous response but please confirm. Like ars said, if your baby seems to do well with the maid, half the battle is already won.
    working from home is a great way to earn income but i hope you already know the challenges involved in doing so. First of all, what kind of jobs do we even get which can pay enough to cover the expenses and still have some for saving? If you find something like that, its great. if not, evaluate if you can financially survive.

    When we were planning for kids too I was thinking about this. I will be delivering shortly and I would be going back to work eventually. Its difficult not to think about their future. Just like you, I also used to worry sick in the initial stages of pregnancy. But me staying back at home as it is is not an option for us. Specially, since I will also 30 by end of this year and if I dont work, i cannot save. if i dont save, i will not have money for baby's education or enough for our retirement. So under the circumstances, working fulltime in my current job was/is the best thing i would be doing for my family.

    I also have something else to share with you. My mom was a working woman too and she worked all her life. Never have i felt that she has not spent enough time with me when i was little. I think it boils down to spending quality time, how much ever little.

    Being a house wife or working from home is absolutely fantastic. I have high respect for women who can/are doing that. However, that arrangement is not suitable to a few families. Evaluate if its suitable to your family needs and then decide what is best.

    Lastly, talking out your fears with your partner helps a LOT. Talk to him about saving for baby's education, retirement, holidays etc. Once the financial planning is done, it gets a lot easier to figure out how much to earn to be able to fulfill those wishes/needs/wants.

    Once in a while, treat yourself too. Doing something nice for yourself (like buying a sexy outfit, going to a spa) comes a long way. Often we forget that we exist because our whole being is dedicated in attending to the little one. But, once in a while, taking time for yourself helps a lot.

    If nothing is working out or if you have feelings of harming yourself etc, it would be better talk to your doctor so that they can prescribe anti-depressants which are safe even while breastfeeding.

    All the best Pooja. Hugs to you. I am due in less than a weeks time and I hope to do what I am telling you to do.
     
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  5. poojsharma

    poojsharma New IL'ite

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    Hello rakhi, first of all, thank u so much. I am touched that you took the time to read and respond. I absoultely agree to everything you said. I am trying everything that I can. What is adding to my depression is lot of other things. i know I will have to work because though husband is working and earning a decent salary, he has poor eye sight because of many accidents. If I stop working and get out of the habit, I will not be able to return to work if something goes wrong in a few years and he cant work at all.

    secondly, my husband's parents have passed away befor our marriage. His sister lives in Mumbai and is a housewife but she doesnt want to help in keeping the baby, I even suggested that we will hire a full time maid and she can just supervise, but she denied. so as long as I am in Mumbai, it will just be me and hubby and baby. No social circle because of our jobs as well.

    Hence, the thought on my mind was to sell of the mumbai house and deposit/invest the money. I want to go back to Punjab where I have my own house and look for a job there. My mom and many relatives are there. I will get lesser salary but if husband or I have to stop working at some point, we will atleast get returns from money we invest now. At times, I also feel I can quit job and run a small business. If I settle down in next three years, I will get flexibility to get time to drop or pick baby from school or games etc..

    overall, I feel overwhelmed with too much going on in my mind More than the future, I am worried that if I made a wrong decision now because of my emotion, my entire family will suffer

    All the best to you for your delivery, I have done lot of research on labor and delivery, so I will be happy if I can help in any way
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2011
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Pooja, so nice of you to offer support with labor and delivery. I do actually have one question, which I will ask at the end of the post. Hope you know the answer, if not also, its totally fine.

    I am sorry to hear about your husbands eye-sight problem. That must be a major worry for you. Here is what I think: As it stands now, it sounds like a great idea to move to Punjab where you have family. What is your husband saying about it? Is he OK with it?

    Also, since you have a home in Punjab, why are you planning on selling the one in Mumbai? Is it possible to rent it? The reason I am asking is, even though you get paid less in Punjab, the cost of living will also be less compared to Mumbai. Is it because of the mortgage expenses you are planning on selling?

    You decision is righ when you say you dont want to quit working, keeping in mind hubby might not be able to work for long and keeping in mind we might not find any work to do at all later if we loose touch.
    Dont rely on his sister for keeping an eye on your kid, now that she has made it clear that she doesnt want it. If you move to Punjab, will your hubby also get a decent job? I think now it all boils down to him agreeing to moving to Punjab.

    Having said all this, I am pretty much in the same shoes as you. I also live with my hubby and in few days my baby would be here; we also dont have any family close by and not much of a social circle to speak of. Thankfully I have 1 year mat-leave. after that its going to be day-care...I am trying not to think too much since I dont even have an option of moving anywhere else.
    Whatever you do, make sure you get a 100% approval from hubby too so that its a joint decision.

    Hope this helps Pooja; if nothing, at least i hope its a comforting thought to know there is me sitting in pretty much the same condition...:)

    Now, regarding the labor; I had an internal examination the other day and it hurt. Now, have you had an internal examination done before delivery? If yes, how would you rate that pain to actual labor pain? Is it close to at least 1 cm dilation pain?
     
  7. poojsharma

    poojsharma New IL'ite

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    Thanks again Rakhi, To answer your questions, I am planning sell the house mainly to get rid of EMIs and to re-invest in Punjab in for a beauty salon and other investments. That way, if my business or job takes a while to pay decently, then I can survive on the returns as well. Hubby is very supportive of watever I want to do.. He can get a job somewhere in north india and for some time keep coming home for weekends. By God's grace, If I am doing well, I will ask him to resign and stay at home or may be do something part time in Punjab.

    The internal examination did hurt. But when mine was done, doc realized I was already dilated two cms. I was then sent to get admitted for delivery. Other than that, my regular check ups were external. She used to check my weight, BP and baby's heartbeat with a doppler.
     
  8. poojsharma

    poojsharma New IL'ite

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    Ladies - I am sure there are more of you who can help me. i am still very depressed and keep thinking about negative things. I also compare my life to others to add more to my frustration. Things like - I shd have had a baby early, I should have married someone else with a joint family. I should have saved more etc.. To add to that the thought of now moving back and starting afresh also leaves me very worried..

    Pls help and share your thoughts
     
  9. kylie

    kylie Gold IL'ite

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    hi pooja,

    Read yr post only today. Firstly, congratulations on being a new mommy ! Have u been able to move on ? Now that more than a month has passed, hope yr fears and anxiety have calmed down.

    Most women feel anxiety n depression in varying degrees [postpartum]. This is due to hormonal changes as the body tries to return to its pre-pregnancy stage. Women feel very emotional n sometimes their reactions r over exaggerated. But these feelings usually settle down by 4-6 months. So, please dont get stressed out - u will feel better in a few months.

    One request - please dont worry about what u should hv done in the past. Look towards the future. I will tell u a personal experience. In the past - I have been a very hyper sort of a person. Used to over plan everything bcoz I wanted everything to happen my way - be it my career, my personal life anything. This used to lead to a lot of anxiety n worry. But somewhere down the line, when i left my job to look after my kids - all this changed. I had time to introspect n delve more into spirituality. And I came to some conclusions which I hv accepted in my life n this has helped me a lot.

    First - It doesn't help in worrying. In life, many things r out of yr control.

    Second - Instead of worrying, it is better to take informed decisions n work towards that. I feel, we carve out our destiny or make our future depending on the decisions we take in the present. 70% of our decisions will impact our life - the rest is God's will.

    Third - I follow the motto "do yr best and leave the rest to God". Whenever things have not happened the way I planned, I feel this is what God had in store for me. We, as humans, do not have the vision to look into the future but God knows everything n will work out the best for us even though we may not understand HIS actions currently. But if u just trust HIM completely, u will see that everything will fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle.

    A small quote fm the bible [not to propogate anything but bcoz it helps me a lot in calming my fears] :
    God tells us - "I HAVE KNOWN YOU EVEN BEFORE YOU WERE BORN AND HAVE CARVED OUT YOUR NAME ON THE BACK OF MY HAND. A MOTHER MIGHT FORGET HER CHILD BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU"

    So just work hard n keep complete trust in HIM n u will see that everything will work out just fine.

    All the best for yr future.

    love,
    kylie
     
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