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Please comment on our way of living.......

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tara09, Jan 9, 2010.

  1. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Tara

    Am sure all this guilt will vanish away once you are on TRACK of what you wanted to do:) so dont worry about past, dont look back on how you missed it!!! rather spend that time on thinking how to get it back in the time you have in future:cheers Wishing you would have great time with lots of friends and neighbours and kids in this New Year
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2010
  2. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Thanks a ton Srividya....

    You are always so encouraging and have a positive attitude in life.
    Feel happy to have a cyber friend like you.


    Tara
     
  3. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    your life seems very similar to mine. I do not work but hubby is not socialising type. He used to avoid sending our son to anyone's place to play or for parties. He too never liked to invite anyone over for lunch or dinner. I used to call close relatives sometimes for lunch or dinner. But he was never happy about interacting with people. He used to be very attached (obsessively) with his two brothers but now he doesn't even talk to them. They and their family do not visit us though they both are freindly. (they are very selfish people so I am not bothered about this). He never brings anyone home too from office. He has no other friends than his colleagues (I won't say they are close).
    I have had a very social life with lots of friends before marriage. But due to my hubby's attitude, I have also become a recluse. But I move well with my siblings and take the initiative to stay connected and they all do the same, inspite of my hubby's different mood.
    My son does not have any close friends due to this attitude. Now that he is in the hostel, he is enjoying being with people, without his father's interference.
    I would suggest that you start socialising slowly and then you can build up a wonderful group. It is wonderful to have a group of friends who are there for you always. Don't lose it. All the best to you!
     
  4. happywoman

    happywoman Silver IL'ite

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    How about knowing your kids talent and trying to shape it up in his friends presence. I usually call my son's friends and make m/w popcorn with some juice on holidays and each kid gets to perform something of his interest. My son did some magic tricks which others enjoyed and they too shared what they liked. It need not be a lengthy session. Just an hour/two will be enough.
    Hope this helped.
     
  5. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Tara...
    Srividya and others given you the most practical advice on how to begin...
    I totally understand your situation as my Dh and I too are in high profile professional jobs which take up all our time and when we return home and just want to unwind.
    But I'll tell u a few tips..
    --- One day my son turned around and said that I care only about work even when I'm at home so I stopped.on week days I refuse to take my work laptop home. I've realised that nothing is so very important after 6.00p.m at the official side. So I postpone it to the next day.
    ---- I try and be home by 6:30pm and most of the time my son is playing downstairs say a hi to him. go up change into gym attire and then go down check up on whose taking a walk in the building and join them. This way you keep fit and socialise with neighbors. otherwise I get into the gym.
    ---- atleast once a month I fix up with my son's friends mom to see a movie or lunch or any such outing.
    ----- call your neighbors over for tea once a month.
    ---- once people start coming they will tend to reciprocate the invite make sure you go the first time even if you didn't enjoy their company.
    hope things lighten up for you
    K
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Tara,
    My kids are yet to reach that age.. but I make sure that I work only for the hrs I'm paid for at work... and I really feel the salary they're giving me is as per the contract of working hours I agreed for... nothing more.. infact less.. the job becomes high profile for me only if they're paying me 10 times more than my worth :biglaugh!!!!
    All in my team know that am not sitting for an extra minute.. so they align their queries as per my time.. thankfully after yrs I got a mgmt who has the same thinking pattern.

    Unless the world is crashing I dont open my laptop at home.. I spend every minute with them & then few colleagues in same apt ensure that the kids spend considerable time with each other... whether in house or compound. We cook for each other. This is possible if ur not sitting with laptop/ office papers at home & you have energy left /orientation to migle with child's frnd.
    Loners remain loners thruout the life... reason being either they dont know how to entertain strangers or strangers not knowing how to exactly behave with them to match their wavelength. Even housewives can make their kids as loners.. so its not abu time.. its abu orientation....
     
  7. ushae

    ushae Silver IL'ite

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    In my opinion wife need not work unless and otherwise it is abosolutely necessary.

    Both working lead to less or no attention on kids/even married life.

    If you are a home maker, naturally discussions only on officemates will not appear.More talks will be on family,relatives etc
     
  8. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Varloo, Thanks for the response. As for me even before marriage I was not that social like my other siblings. My mom says even to this day that I refused to attend a relative's wedding when I was in 6th standard and mom had to stay back while the rest attended only because I had 20 days for exams and I did not want to make any alterations in my study schedule. My dad said it is a matter of 2 days and anyway you do so well in studies so don't worry you will not lose anything but I was adamant and so mom had to give up. Somehow, now I realise I need to change for my kids.

    Good to know you move well with siblings which I am yet to inculcate because though my relationship is not bad but inviting them and going over needs to happen more often now. Happy to hear your son is doing good and has not become replica of his dad!


    Thanks Happywoman......this seems to be a good idea! Will defiinately give it a shot.

    Thanks feduptocore. Not taking work home is something so hard for me. My mind always seems to be at work. These days we are working on a research project and believe it or not I feel guilty to say this but I cannot wait to get to work place because there is always something we have been waiting on and I need to know what happened. I am fortunate to have an excellent team with only pure dedication so I feel more inclined towards that. I know I need to curb this nature of mine and will try working on it.

    Thanks Shilpama for responding....I wish I could be like that!! Anyway, for the sake of kids and their psychological development I need to curb my temptation of checking on work while at home. I am working on it.


    Thanks ushae. Necessary is a relative term. For each it is different.
    Yeah, I agree that both working leads to less time and attention on kids and family. I wish I could even go part time. I tried around 4 yrs back to go part time. Did for a 3-4 months but really since my mind would always be at work so did not find it of much use. Kids would go to school and hubby to work and my work started at 9 am and would go till afternoon 1. While on phone or computer I would finish making lunch and other things like laundry and misc stuff. By the time kids came home I was almost done with both works. The first couple of months I really liked it and enjoyed too. Later, when work at office increased and I was promoted. May be if I did not accept I might have continued part time but I got tempted too becos of the position. I had more freedom to do my way and that made me start FT. I had a separate team of people which I would lead. It was hard to manage everything if I was part- time. It was worse because kids would come from school and I would be on phone or computer. It was hard for them. I would ask them not to make noise since I was on phone. I knew it was past time I was working but there was so much work when you are team lead. I thought the kids were better off in their school "after school program" where they were taken to playground and could be free to play with peers.
    Anyway, I am working on my socialising now since my kids need that area of development too and I should not shun them from it.



    Tara
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2010
  9. dhivya rangarajan

    dhivya rangarajan Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Tara,

    I have a thought and I want to share it here with you..

    I once had a high responsibility job - totally on my shoulders - meetings would commence at 8 p.m and go though till 11 - missed festivals, missed family get togethers, missed calls from friends, and worst of all, when my hub asked me to come a little early so we could spend time, i plainly said i can't!

    One day i was called by my director, and told that since a huge loan hasnt been approved, business deals are withdrawn and company doesn see a future for the nex 2 months, so we are temporarily laying you off, to serve as a outside consultant..

    the world shook for a second. On the way back home, I had the following thought:

    come what may, even if i did the gravest mistake, my mom, dad, siblings, mil, fil, friends and most importantly my DH will never say, "dont come to us from tomorrow, we dont need you".........

    and then i cried.. and learnt a very important lesson as well.... nothing comes before people to whom my presence matters....
     
  10. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Really, this is so true. We kind of take our relationship with dh and kids so granted that in our pursuit for better career or whatever we ignore them completely......I feel.
    Thanks dhivya for sharing your story.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2010

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