Please avoid negative criticism... am I wasting my time in this marriage?

Friend2011 · Jun 21, 2012

Please avoid negative criticism.
Mod: Please for good under standing the situation I have given enough information, would like to edit after getting responses.

I am 36 1/2 years old female married for 6 years, have no kids. I had an abusive childhood because of my dominating mother. I wanted to get out of her control/abuse, so married this 30 year old (at the time of marriage) immature kid at heart (H). My family (parents and only younger brother) did not attend my marriage. For 4 years he played with me emotionally without telling me whether he will marry me or not. I think out of guilt he married me just in 15 days. His brother married without his parents approval so he said he don’t want his parents to suffer through another love marriage. Though his family is not poor, they did not spend any money for our marriage, we both arranged within our little savings (I don’t expect them to spend but for the affection and respect H has on them they should have spent).

After marriage he left India within a week. I happen to be in his home for some time. MIL started to promote her first DIL and compared me in each and every matter. His SIL and cousin sister started bulling me. But I could not talk back since I didn’t know how my husband will take. After I came here I slowly reduced making phone calls to my in-laws. I dont call anyone for that matter to give an impression that I dont have habit of making phone calls.

I am little dark in complexion compared to H and he is good looking than me. He always feels uneasy to pose for a photograph with me. Definitely I did not pick him since he was good looking. He was not even ready to spend 400$ to get his driving licence. But he emptied his bank account to attend his brother’s marriage. He is getting very less salary which is just enough only for both of us. He is not ready to explore all the options to get good job, hoping only for high standards. First 4 years we never went outside our small city because of high bus fare. We ate in restaurant once in 6 months.

After lot of struggle I got a job with less salary. In our field jobs here are very stressful. I even lived out of country for some time to save some money. After 3 years of our marriage he started to become emotionally close to another girl. When I visited him for a vacation the girl was unable to tolerate, came to home called him outside without my knowledge. I think he played with her emotionally too. I read from her mail that he said that he will make me ready little by little. When I confronted him he said he never said anything like that. After a big fight he stopped the relationship. For the past 1 year we both live in two different cities and meet during weekends so our relationship was ok since we never talked about inlaws.

Now he wants me to come to his home in India. I am dead scared to go to his home. He already visited India for his brother’s marriage but feels shame to visit alone from then. He feels shame even if I talk back to his family members. He is super sensitive about his family. He is unable to digest the feeling that I don’t get along well with them. He feels like someone is ripping him off. He wants to take me to his home and show them I just nod my head to whatever he says. When his family mistreats me I expect him to stand up for me or allow me to stand up for myself. I have never stood up for myself or talked back to them otherwise long back my marriage would have dissolved. He is scared that his family will disown him if I talk back to them. When I confronted him he says that he will stand up for me but since we stayed only for a week together he did not get chance. But I am afraid, even living this far from family he fights with me for them. How he will stand up for me in his home?

Atleast I ask him to keep me away from his family (I dont want to talk to them or want to hear anything). He expects me to good and normal to his family even if they say something. He says his family respects him a lot, if I talk back they won’t have any respect for him. He says I don’t have family values, I don’t have respect for him, I don’t have respect for his parents. Before marriage I knew he is very much his family oriented, but I never knew he will expect me to take bulls*** from his family.

Not even once he discussed about kids. I have little fertility issues, few times took appointment but he didnot show any interest. He expects to conceive normally. He does not like to take an extra step. May be if I am super nice to his mom and if his mom tells him to go to treatment then he will come. If he has enough for food then his mind is with his family. He says I am not even caring about my parents then whom am I going to care for? He says I am trying to make him orphan like me. He says I am using him for my loneliness. I never ever expected him not to be with his family or not to call his family. I accept him as is, but he said he will not because this is not a business. I just feel him as a 10 year old kid who cries for his family appreciation and attention.

Apart from this relationship I am just alone, no friends no family. Most of the time I feel I am wasting main stage of my life. Will I be able to withstand if we breakup. Only thing I expect from him is to keep me away from his family. I am afraid this relation is going to break. I am tired of this. This marriage is choking both of us. Still breaking this marriage is unbearably painful for me. Everytime we fight I am scared to death. He might be able to forget everything in his family, friends circle, second marriage and kids.

Sometime I feel if I please his parents and family I will have atleast OK life. But will there be any end to his expectations?

He needs a girl who grooms herself, who pleases his family, who nods her head for whatever he says who doesn’t have any self respect. My job is very demanding, absorbs all my energy, not able to concentrate on any grooming. Do you see any hope in this marriage? I just want to cut my sensory nerve so that even if someone says something it does not hurt me. Sometime I feel girls should be just trained to please in-laws and husband instead of education.

The post is very confused right? Yes me too!!

Do you guys think counseling will work?

Pros of this marriage:
1. I will have a person to rely on if something happens.
2. I am a bad eater, so feeds me.
3. He allows me to sleep on his lap or holding him.
4. If I like something to eat he brings for me.
5. He never forces me to work or earn money (Still he is not ready to reduce his standards in looking for jobs).
6. He agrees to come for counselling.

Cons of this marriage:
1. He feels shame to pose for a photo.
2. He says I am not even considering my parents then whom am I going to consider?
3. He says I don’t have a good name in his family so I am a failure (If I say I am good to my collegues my friends etc. he says I am not going to be with them).
4. He says I am using him for my loneliness.
5. He says I am trying to make him orphan like me.
6. He became emotionally attached to another girl.
7. I always feel insecured and uncertainity in this marriage.
8. He gives more importance to his family.
9. Even though he feels bad for my stressful job, he never explored all options and looks for only high standards.
10. He says I don’t have family values.
11. He never ever talks about kids or future plans.
12. Not much interested in ***.

pearblossom2012 · Jun 21, 2012

I think you should forget him and move on with your life in a different place.

Raindoll · Jun 21, 2012

Hey, your problem is indeep heart rending. I's suggest you give one last try wherein you as a couple clearly workout your compatibility factors. You cannot agree his unrealistic demands and at the same time expecting him to stand up against his family seldom happens in the male society. Very few women are lucky with it. The reasons you bulleted for favouring this marriage will also hold good if you are no longer married to him with little planning and efforts. But ending a relationship should be the last resort. See if you can get in touch with your family .. someone your sibling, cousin. Its been few years, they may have changed now? All the best.

veenaruban · Jun 21, 2012

Yes even i feel the same as pearlblossom...

You just need to move out of his life instead of wasting time with him. Its high time that you have been with him for so many years. Take a strong decision and move on....

After all its your life and you need to take a step ahead.

Hope you make a good decision sooner and give your life a new start!!!...

peacetips · Jun 21, 2012

Run as fast as you can and never turn back!

1. He feels shame to pose for a photo.
6. He became emotionally attached to another girl.
7. I always feel insecured and uncertainity in this marriage
10. He says I don’t have family values.
12. Not much interested in ***.

Very fishy and not a good sign.

GodIsOne · Jun 21, 2012

Hello Friend,

I am with others in this. I would have walked out of the relationship just for point 6 itself.

Priya16 · Jun 21, 2012

am 36 1/2 years old female married for 6 years, have no kids. I had an
abusive childhood because of my dominating mother

Now he wants me to come to his home in India. I am dead scared to go to his
home
Click to expand...

Dear,

There are lot of things in your post.So I can't address all of them in same time.At this stage,I don't want you to think about your marriage.First think about yourself and work on your food control and work on your self confidence.Once you get back those two then think of other things.Right you are too nervous about everything.If you take any hastly decision at this point ,you are going thorn out.

I feel your upbringing and abuse in your house made you very nervous and less confident.Can you please work on yourself rather than on worrying about your husband.He had his set of problems.

May be read some good boos,and do some meditation and exercise.

Coming to in-laws you met them long time back.Typically initial days are very harrasing for lot of DIL.but over the years,you learn and they learn.So there is no point of getting fear about them and trying to avoid.You are doing mainly because of your childhood.You need to understand that.You can handle them.You are livivng alone and doing lot of things.They fear handling them???Beleive in yourself.

Now he wants me to come to his home in India
Click to expand...

Is that a visit????Then fear.Go with confidence.Once you are confident then they can't bully.You post here if you get into any issue and don't know how to handle.Then you might get advises.But don't get scared.

I am not suer how old he is,but still he is acting like a one teenager.But anyway,I don't want to talk about him at this point unless you rebuild yourself.You should ready before you make decision on your marrige.

I don't know which conuntry you raised.He expecting from you about his family is normal.You said,you married 61/12 year back.And you never visited them again.You can't cut relations forever.There will be struggle in each relation.We have to learn to deal with it but don't cut them unless extremely abusive towards you.

You don't find any issue less relation.But at the same time we can't cut everyone in the world.We just have to learn to live with issues.

bhavatarini · Jun 21, 2012

I see that you are a brave person. And I agree with this statement of yours : "Sometime I feel girls should be just trained to please in-laws and husband instead of education"
My life is like yours ... so I just move on. What I see from this forum that no one gets everything , be happy for what you have and forget rest. I believe in me showing love and care to others irrespective of their responses. For me everything is duty and I do my best to perform well. I take care of myself like , exercise , meditation , good books , tasty foods and nice movie , music and dreaming

earrings · Jun 21, 2012

Hello,

From what I have read, the main problem you have is not with anybody else but yourself.

Value you yourself, we all have the same amount of hours in the day.
Grooming is essential, don't use your skin tone, age etc. as an excuse . If you do not care about yourself why should anybody else.

Be the best you, have no fear of standing up for yourself it is not what you say but how you say it. You are expecting conflict which is not the correct mindset, be brave and gorgeous and everything will fall in line, whether your marriage was meant to last or not.

falgunid18 · Jun 21, 2012

Pros of this marriage:
1. I will have a person to rely on if something happens.
2. I am a bad eater, so feeds me.
3. He allows me to sleep on his lap or holding him.
4. If I like something to eat he brings for me.
5. He never forces me to work or earn money (Still he is not ready to reduce his standards in looking for jobs).
6. He agrees to come for counselling.

OP.. these might be the Pros of a mrg, but not of a good husband or atleast a husband. I will agree with most of them. If you do not love him and you want him just to share ur loneliness then Pls run away frm him. You had lots to suffer in ur childhood and now deserve a better life and not a life running behind tht moron craving for love.

But if u still want to be in this mrg, then forget everything else. Do everything only for urself. Just try urself to involve in some activities or courses of ur interests. I feel your over eating habbit is coz of depression. Try going to gym for a couple of days. Do whatever can make u happy. I understand it is difficult. But will get better in sometime. Start a new life.

Do not be scared of ur in laws. Most In laws are meant to treat u bad despite u even dying for them. SO just IGNORE them. waterve they say.. do not bother do get that into ur head. Just ignore. If ur Dh will keep u happy if u nod ur head, then just nod.. but do as u feel. Think... by listening to them (and not following what they say) u r doing a favour to them by nodding ur head nad move on.

But other than that, I still feel you shld not be in this relation. Good Luck!!

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