Please Advise Me On What's Bothering My Husband.

Hi Apuviki,

I understand your thoughts as to why you do not want to go ahead with a divorce.. I don't know your age, but just want to say that don't put off the inevitable for longer for fear of your MIL or society and lose valuable years when you are younger and can find a better life partner..I can understand when you say that you don't want to have any regrets, but make sure you dont regret not getting out of this sooner.

On a side note, why did someone start chemo on your mother before confirming the cancer via biopsy or surgery? That doesnt seem right..did they get a second opinion.. hope your mom recovers soon and gives you the support that you so need at this time.

 

Thanks for following up with the thread and writing back to me. I'm 29 now. From what you said, I highly realise now that I should also not regret later about not getting off this mess a lot earlier. I'm not going to wait for more than a year to decide as I'm already emotionally drained out.
A doc well known to our family diagnosed her with cancer after Biopsy. It took us almost 1.5-2 months to know about the second opinion and by that time we believed with what our family doc said and had to put her on chemo. He diagnosed it as a stage A borderline uterus cancer initially. It was a mess.[/QUOTE]

Dear Apuviki
Good that you want to get it done with it within a year. From your posts it seems that this is your first relationship. But even though it turned out to be a disaster, it had some positive moments too. Since this is your first relationship , you have not experienced what it is to be in a positive relationship. Come out of it dear and once you find a positive person , you will understand that "you loving your current husband" was just an illusion. You will realize that there has never been love there in the first place. So come out of it soon and may you get a very loving and caring partner soon.

 

Dear OP,
"Even God cannot help those who cannot help themselves "
Hugs to you. I wish you to take the help of a clinical psycologist/or therapist to understand your psychological dilemma.
Your sentences preaching your love for your so called abusing husband reminds me of a psychological problem called Stockhome syndrome(Google it. read more: Stockholm Syndrome: The Psychological Mystery of Loving an Abuser, Page 1)
What on earth are you doing by your PhD if you cannot realise what is happening with you.
So wake up and act. Use your brain and not your blind emotions to decide where to head to.

You need to realise that you are a 'Victim' and get out of it.
I think all ladies commented on your problem here and told you to leave your dh in true sense love you more than your cheater h.

You have two options 1) Waste your precious life (only 29y, long way to go) for an abuser and live the life of a doormat. Is that you want? is that your parents wished for their only child? Are you going to bring kids into this life and spoil their life.. No women of self respect will ever do that..if that is your decision, what is the use of your education ?[ your post indicate that right now you think that proving your MIL that you can have good life with dh is your aim, don't be so stupid)

2) To accept what has happened and get out of this relationship. Be brave. Being single is better than in an abusive relationship,that kills one slowly.
If this is your decision, stop all contact with your dh (it will be tough, but you can do it. Please don't waste your precious time on dh) Take enough time. Develop a dont care attittude. You dont have any siblings. So your separation from dh is not going to affect anyones life.
Completely focus on you and your PhD. Think about next options, like doing pdf or job. Spend some time every day to search and apply. Being mentally relaxed is very important for a creative and productive research life. Try to communicate and publish your papers and make your CV strong. Every morning tell yourself ( look at mirror) that you are beautiful, strong and will be successful in life and you are going to devote all your energy to find a successful career.. be independent. Meditate, if you are religious pray to God to give you more concentration and focus. I am sure you will be back to tracks. It is not easy, so take enough time.

Once you complete your PhD and get a job, never ever think about going back to the abuser dh, instead separate legally ( you will figure it out slowly, explore it by yourself ). You deserve a better life . I am sure you will find a person who will respect you for what you are... have some patience... you are still young... be a successful women don't a desperate woman.
If you love your parents you have to show them that you are happy and successful in your lif. I think that only make them happy.

Ask you this question.. Do you want to succeed or fail in life? you are smart and capable,that is why you are doing PhD in UK, not many has that luck or opportunity. So think about using this chance in a better way.. You have so many miles to go....be positive.

Sorry OP, I cannot understand how can a highly educated women spoil her life by pursuing an unworthy man. I very well understand a womes love to her man in her life. I strong believe the obsession you have right now on dh is the side effect of the syndrome(see above) a victim face-it is simply a survival mechanism of the mind to withstand abuse, not LOVE. please think. Please seek professional help.

 

Dear Op it is hard to walk a mile in another person's shoes. So forgive me for being harsh but I do so to give you some clarity on your situation.

It is not your fault that you married a man who was not yet over his previous relationship, who doesn't respect you, who doesnt understand "ardhangini, who is a taker and doesnt know what giving is all about, who is selfish, who is an abuser and who is a wimp. Yes a wimp. Yes all abusers are wimps, all men who are puppets in their mother's hands are wimps.

It is not your fault that your Mil is a monster.

But it is your fault that you are putting up with this after having suffered so much. What use is education if it doesnt equip you to deal with life? You have some financial security, your parents will support you emotionally if you need, you dont have children to feel the burden of parental responsibility, so what is stopping you?
No miracle is going to change your husband, the only miralce is getting out fast.
You are practically inflicting harm on yourself. You are on in this with your eyes open. Stop using excuses and get out as soon as you can. That will be better than any Phd. I cant imagine the wounds you will carry with you, each day is one more day of hurt to your soul.

Take care, Op

 

It is not love, it is called low self esteem.

Let me tell you a story of my best friends. She is a known women rights activists, who has actively engaged in sending many abusive men behind the bars for years. An outspoken, well known girl with a high end career.
Only last week I heard from her that she is separated from her H. All these while, she would be praising her H in social media and outside as if he was a gem. So, it was a shock to me. But she says, her H has always been abusive, and suspicious; thus he physically and mentally abuse her a lot. Recent times, he has started to restrict her from all the corners out of suspicions, and hit her several times before kids.
He has informed all her important contacts (work place, social circle etc) that she is a prostitute with vulgar talks about her. Finally he left home.
Now that, I am hearing from her that her house, car and all the properties are only on his name and he has taken the documents.
They were her hard earned assets. He did not give anything to the marriage, not even shared monthly expenses.

I could not believe her narration at all. How come an educated, financially independent and activist kind of woman could lose everything to a man just like that?

But her psychologist say it is her low self esteem.

I sense the same with you too. You are educated, independent and you know what to do in case of abuse as this.
But you decide to take the abuse and look for excuses to repeatedly cover your H's abuse to cheat your warning (educated) brain that it is love.

You know that you do not love your H and your H does not love you.
You know that this marriage is going no where, and there is no such hopes
You know that you deserve a better life than this.
You even know that your parents will ask you to walk out, if they knew the details of the abuse you are facing right now. But you chose to sweep all these truths under the carpet to paint your issues as simple or manageable and call it love.

It is not love my dear. It is your low self esteem. Not sure whether you have this problem since birth, or only after marriage. It happens with women who face constant abuse as such.
It is like you feel you are unworthy without your H, and incapable and incompetent without him. So, you would always want to tag along with him despite of his dislike towards you.
Since you think so poorly about you, you like this arrangement called marriage. You are so scared to get out of this institution and feel unsafe, or insulted about walking out.
Since you believe that you will be nothing after the separation, your mind will often find the negatives around it. Like how badly the society is gonna react, how poorly your parents will take it etc.. So, you confirm to yourself that it is the best decision to give it another shot.
This way, you will go on an on...

Your brain will warn you. But you will hide everything under the carpet and make your brain believe that you love him.
To validate this, your heart will look for any signals where he was good with you. Even a minor help a few months back will come to your memory only to cherish his love for you. You will fool yourself by believing that he was loving, but something has happened inbetween for all the problems.
This way, you will become hopeful to bring back that loving person in him. In this process, you will not mind some abuses down the line.

As time goes, you will think that you can never re-marry. You will believe that you can never step out in the society and stay positive. So, you will slowly accept this life as it is.
The constant abuse be it physical, mental or even any kind of EMA from him would seem normal to you. To keep you within control, your H too will give some dose of love here and there, so that you will be fueled to run some more miles with hope.
The saga continuous.

I remember reading a thread recently about a mother, who became psychologically affected due to chronic abuse by her spouse. According to that poster, her mom was in acceptance of the abuses, and she wasn't ready or mentally prepared to leave the abuser. She was like, she can't have a life without him. So, she blamed others who tried to help her to get out of that dirt.
It is because that woman has so much used to the abuse only to end up with very very low self esteem. It is the usual result of constant abuse.
The abusers will eventually make you believe that you deserve the abuse, and the fault is yours. That's how your self worth will be affected due to it.

Me or any poster in this forum can't help you with such psychological problem, in case, you too are suffering like this. Better consult a counselor, they will direct you to relevant therapist.

 

" After my studies, I will try to get an employment ASAP and I think I should see whether he takes the long step to come in search of me. And his interests on me will eventually reflect on the way he pursues me, talks to me and handles me. Is this approach right? What do you think?"

Dear OP,
I know how difficult it is to convince our mind and accept the reality that our dear one dont love the way we love them, especially when it is our first love/relationship. Now you are a student and dont have an 'income', this is the way your dh treats you. If his approach change when you have a job, then it is very clear that he try to come to you not because of love but for something else. Don't fall into that trap again. Dont spoil your precious life.There is no point in continuing with a worthless abuser/cheater. You need someone who love and respect you.

As me and other also mentioned ( please check the link in on the 'syndrome ' in my #115 post , where you will find the same sentence you used to express your love to your dh in this thread) when we are a victim in an abusive relationship we try to think we are right and try to find excuses to convince ourselves that our abuser is right in some way or he is doing it for some other reasons. Even the 'boldest strongest fearless' individual can behave or think this way when they are subjected to abuse. A victim always think he/she is right . That is a survival mechanism of the mind. That is why ladies here suggested you to seek professional help.

"I honestly feel the fear of living life alone after separation and when I get scared about it, my mind searches for hope to see if this could be still fixed". "Again, my parents will also not watch me living in an unhealthy marriage"
No women of self respect that way about an abuser. But as you agreed your low-self esteem or thought that you love him ( it is not love as I said ) blinds you from the reality. Please wake up for your parents at least. You should inform your parents (at least your DAD) about what happened in your life before moving ahead.

I know a few of my friends/acquaintances who has undergone divorce within one year or lost their spouse due to illness within in few years etc.. they all are happily married and settled now. So don't worry about your future life or possibility of marriage. When you find the right one who respect you for what you are you will wonder why you tolerated all these abuse for long. So these became just past... So be very positive. Focus on your career and succeed in that. Stop contacting your dh.

You need to thank almighty for your blessings. You got loving parents, a nice opportunity to do PhD and a great career to look forward to.. Many helpless women dont have that. So pl try be very positive and move ahead with confidence..

"I even started yearning at least for some consideration towards me" "He once slapped me very badly bcz for the same"
Clearly indicates how low your self esteem or how weak you are emotionally. No women of self respect think that way. Dont be an emotional slave to an abuser. Once you gain your confidence you will see your way very clearly ahead.

"I don't want to wait any longer to go and see a therapist now. Let me first take professional help than anything else and I want to see myself whether i still hold the same feelings for him after the therapy"
Happy to hear that. Pl Do. All the best OP . Try to emotionally detach from your dh. So you will be prepared to face the outcome in a better way. Try to meditate/do yoga. These steps will give you peace of mind and give a clear direction on how to proceed. Focus your energy to your PhD and career and come out with flying colors. Take Care. Good luck