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Please Advise Me On What's Bothering My Husband.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by apuviki, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    @apuviki I totally understand your state of mind which is why I would say perhaps you should postpone the divorce proceedings until you are at a better place in your life. Think of it this way - right at this moment in your life what is the most important thing? Your PhD and getting a job? What is the one thing that is stressing you out the most? Your marriage.
    Do you think it might possible for you to take a step back from your married life and concentrate on your work instead? I understand this is hard to do - you have invested a lot of time and energy into your relationship and leaving it hanging like this may not be good but I really feel like you need to concentrate on your wellbeing first - both physical and mental.
     
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  2. apuviki

    apuviki Bronze IL'ite

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    He is a resident of Chicago. I personally spoke to some of my friends who knew lawyers in there. i was also told that he cannot file unless I have a state id, and for that i should have lived in there for at least 6 months.
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I am very much surprised how an independent girl like you is putting with this ****.Even a Normal girl will not adjust so much.
    All the best to you.Take care.
     
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  4. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,Why does your husband need an audience to be good. Is he trying to prove he made a small mistake and is otherwise good.I have a feeling he was playing it safe so you don't call 911 on him and subsequently leave the country.

    If you really want to give it a shot , finish your studies in the next yr and look for jobs .No sharing expenses or you visiting. Let him come to you.He has to show commitment to you by making an effort.Never divulge your pay structure to hubby.Good Luck.

    P.S : Most of the ladies here know , I was in an abusive marriage.Ladies here helped me into the a perfect solution.I called 911 and that was the best decision I made.Now too sometimes hubby blames and if he so much as lifts his hand halfway up , I tell him he will be doomed.
     
    blindpup10, NeetaR and Sunshine04 like this.
  5. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @apuviki- I am not here to say get a divorce. I am here to say- please go to a therapist. You need to talk to someone apart from telling your story to a bunch of online strangers.
    I don't know how insurance works in the UK if I were you--I would put some effort into finding a therapist/ psychiatrist to talk to. This is my suggestion based on the abuse you were inflicted by your MIL and your husband + the trauma of your mother's illness.
    You need to talk to a therapist about yourself, about how stressful last few months were.

    Every single poster has suggested for you to leave your husband- if you had created a poll. You will find around 98% poster have said that. I am going tell you everyone here has their fair share of life, struggles and ongoing problems in their own marriages. Like mine- I have an anxious husband ( momma's boy)+ dominating MIL. I wouldn't want to divorce my husband because of these everyday knick knacks in marriage. Just like my life- everyone's marriage has few knick knacks.
    However, in your case- everything is working against you.All your knick knacks scream of red flags in a marriage. All the knick-knacks are already snowballing in your marriage in a span of 1 year. There are so many layers of problems, that it really takes a lot of time by going to therapy together or leaving your husband. Plus there is no guarantee that your husband will change if he & you go to therapy. That is the reason why everyone are suggesting you, to leave your husband.

    I will be honest the first year is rough in an arrange marriage- at least, around a year the couple feel like they on a boat making a journey- have few things in common, few things they both know the partner dislike, they both make an effort to understand, appreciate and live together.



    Few things I am going to say--
    1. You are made to carry emotional baggage by your husband and in- laws. Your husband got cheated & lost money, therefore, you are made to carry all 3 people's fear. He lost money foolishly to his ex, so his parents restrict him to spend money on you? The logic doesn't even add up- You are his wife, half of everything he owns is yours. You don't have to pay rent to live with him. That so beyond cheap to even ask. It's like asking money for sex in a marriage.
    2. You are made to live your life exactly as how your husband expects you to-Your husband wants you to come to the US with a job offer. Ok great, what if you decide to take a break after having a child? What if you get a job offer but not where he lives? He wants a roommate + a wife status for the society sake= You are obliging.
    3. Being in the US, with all the immigration factor- Really find how many years has he been on H1 and how many to go to get a GC before you come here. The immigration scenes aren't pretty. Who knows he might get on to H4 and make you work.
    4. You don't want to initiate divorce process because of your exams and fear that MIL will make your life miserable. There is always a way if you are wanting to get it. Hire a lawyer and let him deal with it. You think you are the only couple who live in a different country seeking a divorce? Don't receive your MIL's call BLOCK her everywhere if the need be.
    5. Coming to following your mother's advice- Your mother doesn't even know what the real problem is, how can you follow anything which isn't accurate? Its like going to a doctor and not revealing the entire symptoms, taking medication and expecting to get cured? How will it work?
    6.Why are you not sharing all the details with your parents? You say you are the only child and how come you are not close to your parents? If you are not close to your parents, who are you close to? Do they know the issue in detail?


    I will share few links- please take your time and read it.
    How Abusers Trick Survivors Into Denying Abuse
    Are You in Denial? | Psych Central

    My sincere suggestion- Please talk to a therapist with an intention of reducing your stress and to share your abuse to a professional.

    Goodluck
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2017
  6. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    You have nailed it.
     
  7. boldnbutiful

    boldnbutiful Silver IL'ite

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    op, true divorce proceedings are very long n disturbing esp in India but with all this drama how are you going t conc on ur course??? Will u hv peace of mind ?.

    There nvr is or will b a right time.you r not understanding but ur MIL imparted a huge fear in you that if u take action against them they r going t tarnish ur image, is that wat that is making u think??? These kind of ppl survive on ur fear of unknown.

    Let them do what they want , u hv proof in form of his frnds , chat histories etc.

    Your hubby seems t hv some psychological issue and his mother is doing everything to cover that up .. Discussions on sex life with his ex is the limit no wife can digest it, I am not sure how ur able to put up wd it...

    Its high time u wake up.and smell the salts

    Dear, explain to ur family by delaying it ur just increasing their pain.by telling them all at once ur giving them even bigger blow, they will feel guilty that u hvnot trusted them and have faced all this alone..u r highly educated and independent woman.

    Lets say u do get a job , then they will make another issue and still behave like this like u earning more than him etccc..they nvr wanted a DIL but an ATM..are u ok with it?

    Please retrospect ur fears n move beyond them.
     
  8. apuviki

    apuviki Bronze IL'ite

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    @madras2018 As it might appear to you, to my H, my MIL, or to anyone reading up my posts; I tell you I'm not very much interested to live in the US. I agreed to move to the US only bcz my husband lived there, and I also believed I would have good opportunities when it comes down to my career. And I convinced myself that this is something that most women eventually do with moving borders for marriage. I have been in the UK for a longer period now and for sure this is my comfort zone. And I will have an easy, sure shot career in the UK as I'm completing my studies here. I have high higher leverages in the UK than the US as starting a career in the US with a non-US degree is going to be a tough play. The day I apply for divorce, I will not spend my time any longer in the US. I will move out of the country and be back in the UK or in India with my parents. I honestly didn't want to be down to India during those turbulent times only because I was sure it will shatter my mom and her health. And deep down in me, I also genuinely wished for the marriage to recover and yearned to see if he would be a better person towards me. I too invested my love, emotions on him and it was very hard for me to pull the plug. If you ask me whether I love him, I would honestly say yes, I did and I still do. I won't shy away from saying it even after experiencing all this. And this is one major reason why i came here on this forum to ask for ways to mend this marriage. I shamelessly went back to his friends every time and again to ask for their help in advising him. I took the stride to do all that only bcz I was desperate of fixing up this marriage for good. But beyond all this, I very much understand that I should no longer put myself through this. I know I went under third class treatment by my H and my mil which I don't deserve. AND I DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE IN ME TO ENDURE ALL THIS ANY LONGER, FOR SURE! Even after all this, I can say honestly that I don't hate my husband. I am extremely angry, upset and disappointed with him.
    I admit I don't want to end this marriage right now bcz I wish for it to get better, and also don't want to go through any emotional trauma at least for this year until I submit my thesis. As @blindpup10 pointed in here, what will my mom say if she comes to know all the events? Yes, she would be very much convinced to get me out of this as equally as each one of you here. But I am still waiting to talk to my family in detail only bcz my mom is going through some series of laparoscopy for teasing out the grown up cysts in her uterus. She is physically very weak yet. Once I see her stable with health, I would really sit down and talk to my parents. And for sure the process of getting a divorce won't be any simpler when it comes to his family. They have my jewels and silver articles in their Chennai residence. I understand when such talks about getting my materials back comes, I genuinely believe my mil will deny. To face all these dramas, I think my family needs more time. And I am very much afraid of my mil and her nasty behavior as she won't take a second to drop into my house or stand on our street to shout and make things ugly. I can't see my family going through all this while my mom is still not recovered from her medical issues.
    I am not saying I want to put up with my H yet. My mind is far far convinced now to get myself a therapy, be focused on my studies and start a career. I am truly convinced that my H is not my priority now. So I think putting him at the back burner is highly essential for me. So until then I really don't know how to maintain the rship with him. I admit I am not smart enough with handling H or mil.
     
  9. apuviki

    apuviki Bronze IL'ite

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    @boldnbutiful as you rightly pointed, yes I am very much in fear of my mil. I believe my H won't do anything ugly if I agree for a mutual as he would expect a smooth way out. But my mil, no. AND MY H CANNOT CONTROL HIS MOM EITHER. His mom even doesn't come under her husband's control. This jigs me up any day when I start thinking of divorce proceedings in India as getting a divorce in the US appears not possible for me. She had told me multiple times on my face that the day we decide to officially separate, she will make sure I look ugly in front of the society only to save her son's image. And she is capable of going to any extent to do that. I understand I may still need to go through these dramas if I apply for a divorce next year. But by then I will have my parents support (both physically and emotionally) and a stable career in hand. And maybe the multiple India visits to attend the divorce proceedings, the counselling sessions could be possible after I finish my studies but there is absolutely no room for me to accommodate all this in this tight-scheduled one year left for me.
    If this becomes a legal case, I'm sure my dad would make it a dowry and domestic violence case. If my parents take such steps now, my mil would start her ugly battle against us and I highly fear for all affecting my mental state while I'm still writing my thesis. I have already taken an official two month break from my PhD to help me recover and i have to pull that up now within this year. I am in a situation that I can no longer drag my PhD as my funding also gets over by this year. With all these reasons, I am far convinced that I shouldn't rush for the divorce right away.
     
  10. boldnbutiful

    boldnbutiful Silver IL'ite

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    And that's how they are controlling you , u r very much in their control all ur possessions everything are under their control and u let it be..

    If she creates scene let her ,call cops on her , dun say u hv proof of their doings, else they may manipulate u ,

    Right now stay away from thm ,no contact anything...
     

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