Please Advise Me On What's Bothering My Husband.

Please stop romanticising abuse. Just because your abuser gives you toilet and food breaks in between beating sessions doesnt mean he has a golden heart or that he secretly loves you in his own way.

 

OP

These small changes or surprises doesn't mean he loves you or care for you. Can you imagine how it will be when you have kid? Will he take care of you and kid? Can you imagine next 50 years with him? Do you want to waste all your energy to change him and his mother?

If I was in your place I would have started planning for exit from this marriage. You have whole life ahead. Its good thing that you don't have kid. God is giving you second chance. Longer you stay in this marriage harder it will be to exit. Also longer to move on and get over trauma.

 

Don't file divorce in India. Try to get it done in U.S. or U.K.

 

You can file in the state that your husband is a resident of. U.S law does not require court apperances for uncontested / mutual consent divorces. You only need to hire a lawyer and he/she takes care of the rest. You will be shocked at how easy it is. Avoid indian courts and their long drawn procedures.You can hire a good U.S lawyer easily over the net and phone.

 

Apuviki
I've just finished reading all your threads and everyone's responses and I just wanted to say that you are a very brave lady! My heart ached when I read the details of the physical abuse you endured. You are very kind - you didn't want to worry your parents about the crap going on in your life and most important of all, you refuse to give up on the man who is physically, mentally and emotionally abusing you. I don't know if it is right to stay or not, as I was reading your post, every cell in my brain was screaming leave him!
I think your mum has given you good advice. Focus on yourself for a while, complete your studies, get a decent job and start being independent. You'll find that you automatically get strength and confidence once you become financially independent. It will give you some clarity on where you want your life to go.
I'm afraid I don't hold a very high opinion of your husband - he is petty, selfish and manipulative and please understand this - it is not your job to fix him. It is important that you understand this. Love cannot cure everything (unfortunately!) so no matter how much you stand by him and support him and care for him - it is up to him to change and to prove to you that he is worthy of you - NOT the other way round. You've already proven that by being a great wife - cooking and cleaning for him (that first month you'd spent with him), putting up with all the crap he came out with about his ex, his physical abuse, his pettiness.
It really does sound like you are not ready to give up on your relationship just yet and even though I don't agree with your decision, I can understand why. So, like your mum said - concentrate on your studies and your job and surround yourself with people who do genuinely care for you - friends, family etc. See how you feel in a few months time, talk to your husband and see if you guys can work things out. Don't fall for his 'I promise I'll change if you come back' tactic - saying it isn't enough, he needs to show it too!
As for your husband - you haven't mentioned it but has he stopped all contact with his ex now?
With regards to money - it has no place in a happy marriage - you may be two separate people but you are one unit - what that means is, you are sharing your lives together, what belongs to him also belongs to you and vice versa. He shouldn't be asking you to go 50-50 on anything! If there is no trust then being married is pointless.
With regards to the MIL - I would suggest you put your foot down straight away. Tell your husband that you are not willing to spend any time around her or even talk on the phone to her - he has seen the way she treated you and if he truly wants to give your marriage a go then he will understand. Cut all contact with her and be upfront if anyone pulls the "respect your elders" BS - Respect is earned and this woman has done nothing to earn your respect! Cut her out of your life completely - you don't need that kind of negativity at this stage of your life.
The very last thing I'd say is this - DO NOT PUT UP WITH PHYSICAL ABUSE. It's a downward spiral that will take you years to come out of and it destroys who you are as a person! Please do not put up with it.
Good luck - I think you are very brave to have put up with everything that you did but remember that you have a right to loving and caring relationship too. Work on your marriage certainly, but please be prepared to walk away the minute you realize that you will not get the love or respect that you want or deserve.

 

What state does your husband live in ? I cant believe that a PhD candidate wont do her own research and still relies on hearsay from her husband who btw is the source of all her problems. Many times it is sufficient for one of the 2 ppl to be residents. Both not needed. And the filer does not have to be the one who is the resident. In the worst case you can greenlight the divorce and ask your Dear Husband to file for divorce. Surely he can oblige you on this. Cheaper than 2 tickets to India.

 

OP Google lawyers phone number and call some lawyers. They all have free consultation. There are options how you can proceed. Check lawyers from both places where you and your husband live. Write down all different possibilities. You never know you might be eligible for annulment. You don't have to inform your parents about this right now. Prepare yourself first. If I was in your place I would have started looking for all different options. If you stay longer it will be harder and traumatic experience for you. Take care.