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Please Advice..in Need To Take Immediate Decision

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety30, Apr 3, 2017.

  1. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Involve your parents.Let both set of parents talk and figure out why the information was witheld in the first place and what impact it will have on your future life.Let your parents talk with doctor first.Then decide what you want to do.
     
    Sweety30 likes this.
  2. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,

    It depends on how you feel. 18 months duration is long enough to understand the marriage relationship in life, if you had strong bonding with your DH, you will not even raise a question.

    There is no point in analyzing whom to blame and why did they withheld such a condition before marriage. What if it happened after the marriage, it could be you in that place, the list can go on and on. But, you have a choice to stay or leave, now.

    You need a very strong mental strength and dedication to deal with the illness, not everyone can handle it. Once you had a thought of leaving him came up in your mind, the feeling will not go away and it will get worse with time.

    It's time to leave from the relationship.
     
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  3. AngelNew

    AngelNew Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP
    I will say one thing do not rush for divorce as in the state of mind you are give yourself some time and as some have said let your parents be involved into it as it will make matter a lot easier for you to take decision if you decide to leave as it will not turn into a long prolong messy divorce proceeding and I would suggest that you talk to some more doctors who are into treatment which your husband is having but you will need a lot of mental and as well as emotional strength if you decide to stay with him and it all depends on how is your relationship with your husband for the past 18 months
    Hope you get your answer quickly
     
    Sweety30 likes this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op ....this is not a time for immediate decision.
    Inform your family and have a family meeting .
    Discuss with inlaws why this was hidden from you .
    This does not look like a problem one can live with and somehow make do with.Recurrent fits and amnesia...how will you make a life with him.

    Yes ...if something like this happens after marriage...then you take it as your fate and work with it.But setting up someone and cheating is not acceptable.

    Do you want to live with him knowing he cheated you?
    Do you think you can forgive the fraud that they committed?
    Do you want to have a child with him considering that he himself will require life long care.?

    Op if the answer is no....then go for divorce .
    His amnesia will save him from any emotional turmoil if he has any because of the divorce.
    Think about yourself because you now know no one in your marital home cares about you.Put yourself and your life first.
    .
     
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  5. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op
    It is easier for us to comment. But its you who need to think through it. Even if you decide to divorce a person who lied about the most important aspect his HEALTH.
    But before deciding anything just ask yourself some question
    1. Are you strong enough to handle the mental that divorce brings with itself.
    2. Will you be able to emotionally detach yourself from him.
    3. will you support of your family
    4. are you financially independent
    But if you choose to stay in the marriage, will you bring kids into this? Can you live a life without kids.
    It is a very tough situation to be in dear.I am so sorry for you.
    But had I been in your shoes dear, I would have ended this relationship on the grounds of cheating. This lie would have enraged me enough to leave this person. I am sure you would alo have lost respect and love for him because of this. Seperation is not a bad thing in your case.
     
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  6. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    Since you now know about the situation , in-laws will get another reason to taunt you if ur H falls sick that you are not taking care of him, etc etc . Get ready to be blamed for everything.
    If a guy was in ur place, he would have immediately sent his wife to her parents until her parents assure something solid.
     
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  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Sweety30, if you stay, do so because you want to, not because of coercion.

    If you decide to stay, don't tolerate any more BS from your in-laws. They deliberately conned you into marrying into their family. As for your DH, he not only lied to you prior to marriage, but has deceived you for the past 18 months. No one can blame you for losing faith in him at this point.

    If you want to leave, don't let anyone guilt you into staying.

    If you do decide to leave, consult an attorney before informing anyone. This is a case of fraud so it may be possible for you to get an annulment rather than a divorce. If you're getting an annulment, it should be soon after you learn you were cheated, so don't delay.

    A good attorney may also be able to get you monetary compensation in a civil suit for the fraud perpetrated against you.

    Whatever your decision, my best wishes for your success and happiness.
    .
     
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  8. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    First of all hugs to you, no woman should be in a situation like this to make such a tough choice . I get very angry when people hide such serious issues from the bride , they assume that once marriage is over even if she finds out she will not be in a position to leave easily. But marriage is not a chain with a permanent lock. If you have a supportive family I would suggest you to leave and divorce your husband . Too many issues are there in your marriage , it's going to drain your life slowly . It's not your husbands fault that he is sick but he has been dishonest with you . As you yourself said if it was the other way round,he and his family would have left you . If you are up to it I would suggest that while you legally severe ties with your husband , maintain contact and probably support him a little with major hospital visits and such . Leaving him to himself suddenly maybe emotionally tough and you would end up guilt tripped.

    I know it's not an easy choice to make . No matter what you choose it's a tough road ahead . If you were my sister or close friend and I had your best interests in my heart I would not want you to spend the rest of your life running around hospitals , dealing with constant uncertainty, feeling cheated out of the life you wanted .
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2017
  9. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    "Should I divorce him or not" - even the closest of closest people who know you personally will be reluctant to answer this, let alone we on an online forum who know no more than the few lines you wrote.

    Unfortunately, the decision has to be yours and yours only because you have to live with it for the rest of your life. You can take advice from parents, elders, etc. etc. but no one will watch out for your future the way you can watch out for yourself since no one can think, feel and act the way you do. You are unique and your choices will be unique to you too.

    Now coming to your husband's situation - it all depends on what is in it for you.

    *** If you have a bond with him, you will think along the lines of - "let bygones be bygones, I cannot change the past but I can impact the present and determine the future", yes - I am angry, disappointed, feel let down, but I can work on my emotions, my bigger picture is I do want to spend remainder of my life with him, will I continue to go through periods of ambivalence and doubts, and think of the "if only.... should have... must have" - yes, I will, but I can overcome these and focus on long term and build a future, maybe not an ideal one, but a compromised one......

    *** If you do not have such a strong bond with him, adding injury to insult is the serious in-laws problems, daily pressures, daily dissatisfaction, daily feeling of something is missing and empty and wrong... then you may think along the lines of - "so what is here for me other than sandwiched between a patient and unempathetic family members, do I have the freedom and environment to hope, to have a vision, to build a dream? Is there anything beyond "duty"? What is important to me in life and what do I have to compromise on? Are the compromises realistic or extend beyond what I can manage without damaging my emotional, physical and psychological health?

    A decision such as what you are about to take requires considerable life experience and maturity - you must be really young for something like this to hit you. So do your best and have no regrets later on. Most times the decisions we make are good for that period of time - fast-forward 25 years, we think differently about this. But then everything in life is like that - hind-sight is always 50-50. At that time, in that phase of life, keeping mind body and finances we take a decision which we believe is right for us.

    Whatever you do - always take care of yourself first. If you cannot take care of yourself, you cannot take care of anyone else. Those who are content, self-sufficient, healthy in mind body and soul not only have a better life, they also make lives of those around them better.

    Few closing comments:
    Just make sure whatever it is that your husband is suffering from, you have complete knowledge, have read and understood his medical reports, you have power and control over these matters if you decide to stay back in your marriage for you and your kids are the biggest stakeholders. If you are still kept in suspense and mystery about one of the most important things in your marriage, the fight may not be worth it. Make sure it is also not hereditary and passed on to your children.

    Don't make decisions out of fear, compromise or pity for anyone. Best wishes to you and I sincerely hope things work out well for you.
     
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  10. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    Also, when we say "they hid from me", to some extent, it is relative. There is no manual on what to reveal and what not to. I know people who have not told before marriage about illnesses like some serious allergies, asthma, surgeries, even to the extent of surgeries that may reduce their chances of having a child significantly.... and they are okay with it. So - just giving the benefit of doubt to your husband and in-laws, perhaps they did not think this was serious enough to discuss before marriage. They may think it is not like AIDS or CANCER or IMPOTENCY. So it is relative - what we think is important may not be to another. It is all about perspective.
     

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