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Please Advice..in Need To Take Immediate Decision

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety30, Apr 3, 2017.

  1. Sweety30

    Sweety30 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I am facing a very stressful situation and will need your advice to take correct decision. I had an arranged marriage 1.5 years ago, all has not been very well ( interfering in-laws, brothers in-law, very very conservative family, husband who needs to ask parents and brother for any decision, big or small... you get the picture...). However, my husband is not a very bad person either, very sensitive, hard working, family oriented person. So, I wouldn't say that living with him is difficult. However, recently an incident happened that makes me think twice. Few weeks back, my husband suddenly became unconscious and had amnesia temporarily during which time he didn't recognize anyone. We rushed him to the hospital and the Neurologist told me that he has a neurological problem that is not recent but has been there for last 6 years. He is on constant medication. The thing is I have not been told about his problem before marriage. Post that as well, he has never shared this with me until the date of his hospitalization. Due to the heavy drugs he takes for the issues, he is now prone to clinical depression ( with symptoms leaning to suicide etc). Doctors say, it cannot be cured completely and can be a life long issue for which he has to seek medication.
    I am hurt that this fact was hidden from me before and during the time we were married. Yes, medical conditions can crop during the period one was married and I believe " In health and in sickness" but this is a case of cheating, I should have been told about this earlier, it would then have been my decision/ choice, but hiding a medical issue is not acceptable. I'm well educated smart individual. Had I done the same to my husband, being the narrow minded, conservative people they are, I am sure they would have not accepted me.
    Doctors are clear that my husband's condition will not improve, he will be prone to period of fits, amnesia etc + will have to deal with his depression. Long term, I don't see a future / a happy family ( our children etc)... Keeping aside the good virtues and just being practical, I feel I should divorce my husband (please don't judge me here, it takes a lot to be sane after going through all the hospital episodes and madness episodes). Should I divorce him?
     
    maddysweet likes this.
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  2. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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    Hiding the fact is a serious mistake and they still ill treat you, which is wrong.

    Give little time and think before separating. Going by the situation you described, there is no harm in separation.
     
    Bestmom, NeetaR and Sweety30 like this.
  3. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. Get out, and find a different address. Then, Get to a lawyer right away.
     
    madras2018 and Ragavisang like this.
  4. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    I don't know what to say but only thing I can is best wishes n hope whatever u decide turns out to be right one..
     
    Ragavisang likes this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Sweety30,
    I dont know what to suggest. It is a tough situation.
    Listen to your instincts and do whatever you think is right. I am sure when you are ready you will take a decision. Discuss with your parents. What is their opinion? Have discussed your concern with dh?Give sometime and think.
     
    madras2018, umaakumar and Ragavisang like this.
  6. Gandharva

    Gandharva New IL'ite

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    Dear Sweety 30

    As all the others mentioned above it is tough to comment on anything. Ideologically it is very easy for people to just write negatively about a person who chooses to separate on the grounds of cheating ( not telling about the medical condition before marriage) and the medical condition itself, but practically it is you who can understand how much emotionally you are attached to your husband. Whether you see any future with him. Will it be easy for you to move on after separation and in this case you also have to seek with the lawyer if this can be a reason for separation too.

    Kindly just think calmly and decide based on your emotional state. Also discuss with your parents about the same.
     
  7. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    it is wrong that your husband hid this from you. But apart from the in-law issues you had, did he treat you well? Are you happy with him?
    I am being the devils advocate here, but I want to remind you that in no way am I saying that your husband did the right thing by hiding this from you.
    So my question is, Does the sickness make a difference in the way that you feel about him? Have you reached a stage, where you cannot tide over the fact that he hid this from you? If there is an ounce of chance, then talk to him - tell him you feel cheated. Apart from the Ifs and Buts of "if it would have been me...I would have been blamed", think about the reality. Is it a sickness that will prevent you from leading a happy life? You are already in love with the guy (I assume), you know him in and out. So - imagine you were not married. Would you still want to be there for him?

    If the answers to any of the above question point to a separation - go for it, If not - think a lot about how your future is going to be, if you will be able to give him your 100% with this condition and whether you will be happy.
     
    Sweety30 likes this.
  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Let me share my story-
    When my family and I were searching for a groom in an arranged marriage setting. My husband sounded a reasonable proposal compared to many other guys- either they didnt like me or my family or I didnt.
    When I met my husband it was an instant liking from both ends. My husband revealed that he is diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I knew very well about his thyroid malfunction ( I know few of my friends & family with the conditions). I was well ok with this when I got married.

    But what I didn't realize is-- knowing about it before marriage didnt make a difference cause everyday living with a person who has a life long condition ( even medication) needs a lot of effort from my end. Our first year of marriage was difficult in figuring out the boundaries/ limits/ expectations.

    My husband is really sweet, adjusting but there certain negatives which doesn't overweigh the positives. I too have a dominating MIL.

    In 4 years of marriage- I know
    1. My husband supports me fairly over his parents.Takes my side regardless what his mother has an opinion about.
    2. My husband is also a family man.
    3. There is a sense of sharing equal work in our family. We both do house chores.
    4. We both make it a point to spend time with each other.
    5. There are times my DH's mood swings/ frustrations are over the moon. If I communicate that he is overthinking or getting me frustrated- he stops expressing his frustration to me.


    My 2 cents-
    It is not nice of your husband and his family to have hid the fact of his healthand got married to you. No wonder your husband involves his brother/ mother in every aspect of his life.

    Before thinking about divorce- Communicate to your husband that you were unfairly taken for granted. If he doesnt change his attitude towards you-
    1. like gives you importance
    2. Make you his priority
    3. Not to go to his mom and brother

    Basically, use this to have a firm grip over your husband and try to mold him into how you want your married life to be. Only if he agrees and follows through in keeping his conservative family at bay- decide to stay with him.

    If there is a fuss and expectation on you to just accept whatever the guy and his family wants. Divorce him.

    For all is to settle down and to see a change I would at least estimate around 5-6 months. Don't get pregnant in the meantime.


    Goodluck
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2017
  9. Bestmom

    Bestmom Silver IL'ite

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    Dear op,
    My advice is to u..is to move on and divorce him..jus imagine ur future..there shud be a healthy family with kids..if it happened after marriage, u can feel guilty for leaving him..
    But after knowing their condition, they have clearly cheated u..this is not fair..
    Its hard to deal with patient lifelong.. If at all
    They behave nice and give u good respect..
    Follow ur intuition..all the best
     
    Sweety30 and Ragavisang like this.
  10. Ragavisang

    Ragavisang Silver IL'ite

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    I'm very sorry for your current situation. You are the one going through it and put up with your hubby and his illness day in and day out. We all know this but only seldom we use this..ie DON'T MAKE DECISIONS WHEN YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY DISTRESSED. Give yourself sometime to get over from the shock /betrayal and then decide. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE BEFORE MAKING A DECISION. May God be with you always and help you to make a right decision Sweety.
     

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