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Please advice......autistic nephew harassed by the neighbor's kid !!

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Weasly, Sep 21, 2014.

  1. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    My cousin sister is a gem of a person. She is of a very helpful nature. At times she is very guillable also. So much so that when she was pregnant herself, she almost adopted a family and let them live in her own house and the friend was herself pregnant, my cousin sister would end up cooking for all of them and they wud not share any responsibility, never clean the house, never contribute towards grocery, my bil wud bear all the expenses, and that family ended up taking advantage of my sister. I am telling all this to give a background how guillable she is. She cant really snub people on face !

    She has a autistic child. he is 8 yrs old.
    Now, she has this new friend, who is basically gud, but has a kid who is rowdy, keeps hitting my autistic nephew, but my nephew being autistic dsnt know how to protect himself. my sister is worried how to communicate all to her frend. she has indirectly told her to check her kid bcz this kids gets a lot of complaints from school also. but the frend is like proud of her kid's rowdy behavior!! Now my sister already stays worried about my nephew so much, and then this kid comes and beats/pushes him at his own house and my sister is unable to do anything abt it ! she had ended up feeling very depressed abt it over the phone!! and i dont even know what to advise her!

    this kid is learning karate and sometimes tries to hit adults also !! both his father mother dont say anything to him !! the frend comes to her house often unannounced, my sister has almost stoppped goin to her place but how can u stop ppl frm coming over. shes has left her job to take care of her kid so is mostly at home n cant make a lot of 'not at home' excuse. Also when my bil tries to be protective abt my nephew, these two people(frend and her husband) joke that he is extra possessive abt his son!! Please advice !!
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2014
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  2. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    Does the friend and her family know that the boy is autistic?

    I think it is best to have your BIL talk to the friend's husband and tell him that their kid's behaviour is affecting his son. He should not seem accusatory of the other kid, but should rather say that they understand the other boy's behaviour is typical of a boy that age, but that it is difficult for this family to deal with it; you have been wonderful friends but for the sake of our son we think it is better to not have them play together etc.
    He has to sound tactful.

    After that, they can gauge the reactions and take it from there.
     
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  3. aarna123

    aarna123 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear wisely

    Ur sis even left her job for kid and if then also she can't protect him so what's the use .tell ur sis to b frank for their friends and tell them this nature Wii not be accepted. rather than having these cruel friend better not .
    ur sis friends not even stop their kid in front of ur sis so what when ur naphew will b alone.
    don't let him face this nature in this age.
     
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  4. Nakshatraa

    Nakshatraa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi weasly,
    I agree with aarna123 . Wheather the child is autistic or not, he should be protected from being bullied or rough handled. What I suggest is ur cousin's dh can call up the boy's father & tell him frankly about their son's misbehaviour.If they are really sensible people, they would get the point & stop their son from playing with ur cousin's. Else, this friendship is not worth continuing against the poor child's mental & physical health.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your sister has to be very clear about what she is trying to accomplish. Her job is to protect her child. If that kid is beating/pushing her kid, and she is unable to do anything about it, she is failing as a parent. Feeling depressed about it over the phone is not enough.

    She has to assert her authority. The minute she sees her kid threatened, she has to make eye contact with the abusive kid, tell him loudly and firmly "such behavior is not allowed in this house." She should then remove herself and her kid from that room. She should not ever bring up the fact that her kid is autistic. That is immaterial.

    She needs to practice this in front of the mirror in an empty room - how to speak firmly and authoritatively to a child who is a bully.

    Even if that boy's parents are present, your sister should not try to get them involved. Your sister and her husband should deal directly with the boy. Each time he hits or verbally abuses your sister's kid, they have to step in and firmly and clearly tell the abusive kid that such behavior is not tolerated in this house. They should react similarly when he tries to hit them with karate kicks.

    The abusive kid's other incidents, how he is a rowdy, how complaints come from everywhere, are not relevant to what your sister needs to do. Trying to get this kid's parents to correct him is also of no use.

    The key is consistent and immediate reaction from your sister and her husband each time this abusive kid acts up. And your sister and her husband should not get into any discussion with the kid's parents. If the parents protest, they also should be told clearly and firmly that such behavior is not tolerated in this house. The point should be brief - such behavior is not tolerated in this house. The point should be repeated if needed. No other discussion about children should be entertained. The autism factor should not be raised.
     
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  6. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Yes sheztheone, they know abt it!! I think the only solution as everyone here has suggested tht they will hv to tk a stand! I hope she is able to take a strict stand!
     
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  7. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Weasly,

    Sometimes our own mentality and upbringing becomes an enemy to us and our children . I agree with Rihana that your sister should practise and stand up for herself and her kid. Because today it is this boy and tomorrow it could be someone else. Dealing with such friendly bullies is also very important.
     
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  8. padmaja909

    padmaja909 Platinum IL'ite

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    dear weasly,
    your cousin and her husband has to be frank and tell their friends about their son's behavior. there is no other softer way. In the process if they lose the friendship, no worries. they wouldnt have lost much. protection of kids from bullies is most important. such behavior can never be tolerated.
     
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  9. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Its a crime to abuse a kid who cant obviously defend himself like a normal child.If the friend and her H refuse to understand that point ,now we know where the boy learns his meanness.Instead of getting upset and calling you she should have called her to blast her temper.

    To set right the situation

    1.Instruct the friend to take care of the boy as soon as she steps in.

    2.Your cousin should deal the boy then and there itself when an incident happens(not much use if the parent has that i dont care attitude).

    3.If any incident happens and your cousin couldnt deal with them directly she could wait till next morning to call up her friend about yesterdays misdeeds.(more effective as the seriousness of the incident will sink in)

    4.Still there is any repetition she could make the same next day call.This time she could politely tell her friend that she is invited to come only if she could see to her sons behaviour.

    5.One more repetition she could make that next day call and ask her politely to avoid bringing her son to her home.

    When the kids are rough the parents tend to take the kids to the homes that dont oppose them a lot.They find it comfortable.Unless your cousin makes it an uncomfortable issue this wont end.

    If your cousin still couldnt find her voice i could give her another suggestion .She could promise to give the child a small token of appreciation if the child behaves well .She needs to be tactful to use this method . (this is evasion tactics)
     
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  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Wesley,
    If you don't mind, is your nephew high functioning? If so, it's time he is taught to say no and be firm. He will be in such situations at school and other places where mom cannot run to his defence at all times. As a special needs parent, it is very easy to be over protective about your child. Lots of times, I'm that way. I think my son can't and will never be able to do certain things but with repetitive practise it is possible. My 3.5 yrs old is taught in therapy to say no to unwanted behavior and come to Amma when things get out of hand. Has your cousin already tried this? If she has, then please disregard my comment but if she hasn't then she has to start now. She should slowly teach him to defend himself rather than waiting for Mom to do it. He will learn to do do with practise. We practise with therapist, sister, Mom, Dad, friends etc. Still not there yet but we'll get there.
     
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