Planning To Divorce And Pregnant.. Please Advice Me.

@Blush

Now I fully understand your reason for asking for living separately. I also totally agree that you need to be financially independent and should provide a secured life for your children. Here is the order of the decisions you need to take:

1) When and how to convey your pregnancy to your husband?
2) Whether to keep this second child or not?
3) Find a lucrative job for yourself post delivery and how to get certificates back
4) Decide on child care
5) Whether to get together with the husband and if so, when?
6) if you decide to get together, you need to move to a new home where you are in charge
7) Your husband should agree to be as transparent as possible for you to access his phone and email
8) Counseling for both of you
9) Normalizing the relationship with your husband

Right now, the focus has to be remaining in good spirit emotionally so that your unborn baby feels safe and secured.

Viswa

 

According to the OP the in laws were good and decent since the beginning.
Now that they are involved and given a word that they will ensure their son behaves from now onwards.
The difference from his first cheating to now is that, no one was involved when he cheated her for the first time. He didn't have to face anyone or feel the humiliation earlier for it.
But now, it is different as everyone would be monitoring him... He has no escape that easily.

 

I have gone through this situation.My husband cheated me multiple times..initially it was between us and each time I forgave him.the last time he was cheating on me I involved his brother and the husband of the other lady.I sent them the proof.He came in to senses then.You have done a good thing by involving your parents and in laws.That should make him face the real world.

I took almost a year to come out of this trauma and I am still battling bouts of depression and anxiety.With you are pregnant and hormone changes journey may be little rough but since you have parents support you can overcome that.For the time being do not take any decision.Please allow yourself to heal.Detach from your husband emotionally.Try temporary separation.Ask your inlaws to send the certificates or let your parents collect that from their house.Do not go for any reconciliation talks now because you are emotionally vulnerable now .Once you gain your self and get clear with your thoughts talk to inlaws or husband .

Keeping the child will do benefits for your elder kid as he or she may not feel alone while growing up(even if you decide to part ).

Note : I am spiritually inclined person and keeps myself busy with my hobbies.This helped me to function in a normal way though I used to sleep only 2-4 hrs everyday.

 

Op, I can only suggest one thing. Never take 2 life changing decisions in the same year (12 month period). Assuming you want to keep the baby, divorce right now is not a good idea. Give it time. Mend the boat with plastic and rags. Reach the shore. Then evaluate if the ship is sail worthy.

You are apprehension is real. Your pain is real. Your insecurities are real.

Give it time. Let him repent, let him suffer. But then after a year, if you still feel of leaving him, then do it.

I was in a similar situation. My mind changed every day. In the end, I didn’t leave him. We (I, mostly) worked on the relationship. He seems OK for now. I don’t know if it will last but I can only hope. Take your time. Wait till the baby is born.

 

OP,

More strength to you. Take your own time. Its is up to you when to inform your husband and family about pregnancy. But you should do that only when you reach a mental state where their brain-washing wont work. I think you should inform them as you want to keep the baby.

Keep your interaction with MIL /SIL /dh to minimum. Don't allow the second pregnancy as a reason to mend. The decision is yours and you should be very confident about it. Now you are emotionally vulnerable. So dont take any decision now. Continue building your own life during this time and I think once you are ready the decision will come to you. Give some time to get out or come in terms with this trauma. We cannot change past. Its done. Once you accept the situation, I feel some solution will come to you. Time is a great healer. Focus on your health and baby now.

[ sorry if I am diverting.@Rakhii, @AppuMom : Can you give some light in this topic. Are you able to love and trust your dh after the unfortunate event. Will it affect everything love, sex, day to day life, peace, happiness.How easy was to come out of the pain,confusion & trauma? And later to be yourself and behave normal, build the married life & trust/love back. It varies with person and situation, but any information will be useful to OP I believe]

 

My exp :

The journey is not smooth.One need to figure out the ways to be happy in day to day life without the spouse.We realize that our happiness doesnt depend on spouse after these type of episodes.Once you realize that then your journey becomes bit easy. Emotional detachment from spouse will give sometime for yourself to heal.

Trust and love is again not easy.You start behaving coordially and try to avoid unpleasant situations at home.
Any ladies who go through such situation should try to regain self esteem and self respect.Building married life is not the priority then but building yourself is the top most priority.sex was scarce in our life before this episode so for me it hardly affected after the episode too.For some people intimacy may bring the couple together but for me it doesnt work that way.

I still live with my husband in the same house but for me the priorities in life has changed. Myself and my son are the top most priorities and for husband I do the minimum required things.I cant give him a happily married life and as an adult he should figure out ways to have one .He needs counselling but refuse to go due to his ego. I hardly bother about such things .I talk normally and do things normally at home.

One need to have a strong support system.For me I used to listen to spiritual talks, read a lot ,crocheted tonnes of dress and I opened up multiple times to my husband to tell what I am and where I am( my mental state). I decided not to use any medication for my depression because I knew all this things will take couple of years to clear up and chanting and doing things which I like is my medicine .

For anyone who is in such a situation my two cents : this battle is not short , the sail is rough. be prepared to go through all cranky mood changes for a year or two.But eventaully you will know to make peace with everything and everyone around you. Till then divorce or any other decision which affects you or your child can wait.deal this one problem at a time.

To OP - Live with your parents for time being.You may feel like skipping meals or may have sleepless nights.Forget about international school and all. Your kid need a support system and I guess your parents can take care of that.I was all alone with my kid and it didnt go well with no family and friends around.

 

That’s ok dear but now it’s upto u.

Either you can live seperately and have the dad meet the kids often..some
Sort of a mutual agreement OR

The worst case is to live like roommates for the case of the kids but that arrangement needs to be respectful.

 

@Blush,

At least two above said they had been through this situation before. It might be hard for them to provide too much details here in a public domain. Please reach out to @AppuMom and @Rakhii (through private communication if they agree to such communication) and find out how they faced such difficult situation in their lives. Rakhii has been a great inspiration for many of us here in IL and she has been a regular writer here in IL and her responses are always invaluable.

I can't speak for others but as far as I am concerned, my knowledge is very limited to my perception of this situation whereas these two members are sharing their real life experience which might be invaluable for you.

Viswa

 

for me @DDream, it was very different. I mean, I KNEW he was cheating (bank accounts used to go down in cash and the same day I would see that unusual number of phone calls were made to unknown numbers...I could easily put 2 and 2 together). He never agreed to actually cheating. Till day he maintains that the money he withdrew was for the drinks (though I know he couldn't possibly be drinking $500 worth of a night); for numbers he claimed his phone was tapped into. so basically he never agreed.

Anyway, I was very clear that I will not be leaving him. I was pregnant and I already had a 3 year old. I tried different ways but when I told him that I knew he was cheating on me, that's the day he stopped. We still have access to each other's accounts; so i know. we still have the family plan and so I know. He refused counselling; IL's here suggested I go alone. I went, it not only tremendously helped but it also helped me give some clarity as to what I want in life.

With introspection, I found a lot of skeletons in my closet too. The times that I wronged him; some felt he didnt deserve a second chance. All I wanted to do was try One last time. Try with everything I have. It worked but it took me 2 years.
In those 2 years, I realised he is not my whole world; he is a part of it. I come first. Not even the kids. I come first and only then comes anyone else. That is how we are designed. Its how its meant to be. This realisation took me 2 years.

Now I am content. We have a great sex life (100 times better than "before" )and we are in a better place. I didnt think I would ever say this but I am so content with life right now. Overall I mean.

 

When I separated from my husband even I was very scared like how can I take care of my kid on my own, how can I live a good life style etc etc. That time I was living a 4BHK house and having a BMW car. It has taken me like 2yrs to tell myself its ok if i live in a 1BHK house , sleep in the same bed as my kid, have an old car , for me its all ok cos I am Happy.

My case is a little extreme since I believe my ex is mentally sick. He has the habit of sleeping with women, faking love with girls and telling pathological lies and acting like a victim since he was 18 (maybe even younger).His dad and mom will hide it for him and say the other person is the problem. I realized that I dont want to live such a life. My kid is 5 yrs old, I live in the US ... I have moved alone with her to 3 diff house, 2 diff states , changes jobs. I am still trying to stabilize ourselves , everyday I deal with financial difficulties, visa issues, what not. I know that its going to be very challenging if i think of the next 20 yrs or 30 yrs. SO I dont think of it I think of what I can do today and now!!!

Based on my experiences and mistakes, I would say ... take 1 step at a time !!! Its ok not to decide everything right now. You can even be separated for some time and then decide. One of my friends was separated from her husband (MIL issues) for almost 5 yrs, they went till divorce and now they have reconciled for their kids sake. She does say that its very hard for her to trust her spouse (even with no cheating involved) and that its very awkward life, but she is trying.

For your husband, who is saying he has changed... .let him prove to you that he has changed. Let him come to you and show it . Even now my ex hides his joint account, hides where he lives, hides everything, lies for everything and anything..... so i Know very well that he has not changed.

Look for Actions ... not words !!!!