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Planning A Family

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Jan 6, 2017.

  1. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    I am here with my another confusion, (somehow i manage to have a lot of them in my life :expressionless: )

    So , i and my partner were discussing on when we are going to plan a family or in simple words, when we will bring a baby in the world. Now, its not that i dont want a baby or i dont like children... i love them and i would love to be a mother... however, i am a bit confused.

    To clear the clouds , let me tell you some points:

    We are getting married in November this year , by that time we both will be 27 and half years old ( his birth- may,1990 and mine is July 1990). Here comes the age factor that i have read in a lot of articles over the internet that pregnancy at the age near to your 30s could cause a problem or complications.

    My next doubt is somewhat kiddish sort of, i am thinking that what my friends or relatives would think if i get pregnant so early after marriage say 2-3 mnths of marriage ( dont want to be called as a desperate couple or anything else, i know m sounding foolish here but honestly that is what going on in my mind :sleepy:)

    third point is wat about our life ( my and my dh's) we are going to live with my in laws , we will be a family of 4, my mil, fil, dh and I with no real brothers or sisters of him. Now i had plans like we will go to south india for a vacation, we wanted to explore goa, mumbai and its nearest regions etc etc. We wanted to have a fully furnished home ( half furnished till date) . and his points are that you are not alone to handle the baby, everyone will be there to help you... i knw he is saying right.. he is really sweet and will surely help me taking care of baby...and he also said that it will be more fun if we will enjoy our trips with our child.( obviously we will have some trips alone in the 6 month period he is convincing me on)

    Previously we both decided that we will use precautions for about 10 months after marriage and then will start to plan a baby, now all of a sudden my dh has been convincing me to reduce the gap to 6 months ad start planning the child after 6 months of marriage, i seriously dont know why am i thinking over it so much , but i am not able to get agree to him on this.
    I made a silly attempt to convince him, that being a Punjabi bride, i would have my wedding bangles( chooda) on till 1 year so i cant handle pregnancy with that... his reaction was like o_O :grinning:

    I seriously want to be a mother, but somehow i feel i am not ready and the internet articles have scared me , they say enjoy ur life before baby, after that there is no life ( my sister who has become mother last year is also scaring me a lot) :fearful:

    Here in this forum we have mothers, mother in laws, daughter in laws, wives even husbands and other male people as well.... I request you all to give ur advices on this... it would be a great help for me , as i have time rgt nw, i want to make it clear to my dh prior to marriage so we can start with a clear slate.... waiting for valuable replies ..love you all :kissingheart:
     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Yours are actually kiddish confusions. But don't worry, many women in your age by the time of their marriage have such confusions.

    To clear the problems, first of all let me start with your first problem.
    The biological clock matters. But at the age of 27 it is not a real concern.
    It is much easier to conceive, and deliver the kid when you are younger. 25-30 is the best age according to me.
    However, bringing a baby to the world doesn't always depend on your physical or health factor. It is all about how much you and your spouse are ready to bring the new life. The financial, emotional and other physical status like having a career, growth, transfer etc..etc... are all matters when planning for a family. Once you become a mom, there is no going back.
    If both of you are ready both financially, emotionally and physically to bring a kid, then start planning for it asap.
    Perhaps, enjoy the newly wedded bliss for sometimes before you actually commit.

    Secondly, i had a big laugh when I read your fears about "being desperate" after marriage.
    Come on... You guys are gonna be intimate and form a unity as a couple. Which is legally accepted in the name of marriage.
    Everyone knows that you are gonna have sex with your H after marriage.
    Technically, you don't have to be desperate or have sex often to conceive immediately.
    Some guys conceive just after 1 time sex. Some guys take a long time, even after several attempts to conceive.
    So, don't pay heed to such naughty hints by the relatives when you conceive immediately after marriage.
     
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  3. dnormx01

    dnormx01 Gold IL'ite

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    Get a general medical checkup done, just to be sure things are all good with both of you and you know whether to wait or start off immediately.

    As for people and their thoughts and comments, it's always going to be there. Whatever you do there will be raised eyebrows, wide opened mouths and comments. It's not just about having a baby, in general everything, everyday, everyone has an opinion to share. So don't really worry about all that, not just in this case but never ever. It's your life and your family, so just concentrate on what is best for you and take a decision.

    Marriage changes a few things, kids change few more. Get emotionally stronger, patient and practical to embrace these changes.

    Best wishes for a beautiful future:)
     
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  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    There is no one answer that works for everyone. While it is ideal especially for the female body to have kids in the 20s, there are advantages to having them a decade later from the career, lifestyle and financial perspective.

    @SGBV has nailed it. Once you have a child there's no going back. It is important to be emotionally and financially ready before having a child. Also it is IMO important to learn up a bit about dealing with kids from the perspective of handling their emotions and needs. It is extremely important for you and your husband to have views about the kind of parenting you would like to do and be on the same page from thst perspective.

    Life after having a child is brilliant. However it is very different from before - a child is not a sack of potatoes to be bunged in a car / plane multiple times a year for trips. Having travelled a lot before having a child, I can say holidays with my child are very different and child centric.

    As long and you and your husband understand each other, you'll be fine at any time.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2017
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  5. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Maybe you should just tell him what's on your mind - that you are not comfortable so early on. His dilemma is that he is the only child and in cases where it is the only child, the parents insist on starting a family soon. Happened with my cousin too. He got married at 28, they had their first child immediately. Your only problem would be handling all of it at once - the inlaws, marriage and baby. Prepare for that. Baby won't be the problem. Managing all at once will be the problem.
     
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  6. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    Give few months time to get settled in the marriage and with the in laws.You havent married yet and you dont know how it would be. Life before marriage and life after marriage are different. Priorities could change after the marriage.
    So wait. If you can settle with the
    Marriage, go for the baby at the earliest. It is always better.
     
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  7. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    you will be fine, only thing is you should be ready to handle all the responsibility. Keep your expectations low. If you look at the bright side of it, your fiancee wanting a child shows that he is absolutely comfortable with you as a life partner. It is not like he is still thinking about it. It is much better than making you wait for years together and then not having a desire to have a child yet. You could plan trips in future, you don't have be sad about it. Tell your fiancee about your desire to go to trips and enjoy your life, I am sure he will be willing to think about it. You should probably discuss your thoughts more with him than contemplate to yourself and the forum.
     
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  8. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    loved your honest reply... i know i am being kiddish , my fiancee said the same that u r thinking like a child ... but i guess thats how a human mind is.. here in my parents house i have no load of responsibilties of household work and waking up early etc etc... i watch tv till late at night and nobody say anything to me... most likely m getting panic for the new responisbilties i have to take up after marriage and for that such things are popping in my mind.

    We both are ready financially and mentally but emotionally m nt sure... he is just thinking that his mom is there she will help me adjusting with the household and everything and eventually with baby as well... but i am adamant to give him all the information on how to raise a baby is not only women's task, men are also a part of it and he has to be... after all it will be primarily our baby.

    I agree on ur point of i should not think about being desparate hahahahahhaa m sorry i am that naive to think such crap... but pblm is my sister is like that, she herself waited for 2 years after marriage before planning a family, she has already told me " kisi ki baato me mat ana , sb pehle bolte hain main help krunga krungi par time ane me koi agey nai ata" ( dont come in anyone's trap, everyone will say that we will help u but when time comes nobody will)

    I know she will say, " what was the hurry ?" and i may get affected by this... i know i should not but is there any reply to this that i may give her if she will say this to me directly or indirectly ?
     
  9. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    thankyou dear for your valuable feedback... i have already discussed everything with him and he has given me some time to clear my thoughts and then discus again, i thought in this forum i will get some good points without being getting judged..
    So as per your suggestion dear... He is also a traveller ... he is more keen to travel with me than i am, but he says that our kid or kids will miss the traveling part to the places where we will go before them as may be we wont be able to go to same places again and again... he has a point and he also say that before planning a family we will visit a lot of places that are on his list... he is fully supportive and caring towards me... it is me who is still getting confused on am i ready to take up so much together or not
     
  10. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    hey dear @catwalk thankyou for your reply :)

    If m getting it right, you want to say that if i will get settled pretty quickly then we should not wait for planning a family , rgt ?
     

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