Planned to leave how should I handle it all

OP, what you describe is a very common behavior in victims of domestic abuse....the questions..if he will change, is it because of others, does he not care....can he really not understand my needs?

Can you talk to others who have had similar experiences? They will give you a perspective that will get you through this...can you see counselor who work with women in abusive relationships? This is not a case of 'i want cake while she wants bread'...there is too much at stake for you...if you go back now there will also be an increase in control and abuse because you started your fledgling flight and went back defeated (in their mind)...so they will increase their power play to make sure you don't attempt even this level of protest the next time.

it is important to know when something can't and shouldn't be salvaged. It will be difficult yes, but it will be worthwhile. There are others who have gonenthrough similar experiences even on this forum...I bet they have a ton of information and support because they know the doubts which arise when you are at the crossroads...get intouch with them. Ae you in chennai? There is a very good psychiatrist who works mainly with women in your circumstances...I will look up the number if you are in Chennai and pass it on to you. Not because there is something wrong withyou but because talking to a professional will help you organize the skills you need to face the immediate future and what follows subsequently.

 

I personally doubt this case can be salvaged .

How did u have access to these chats? This is important piece of evidence.
Do u have any saved screen shots or text dumps of the chats that ur brother had with his sister where he talks about hitting u ,keeping u in line,controlling you?
Some chats like gchat also save the conversations in email. Think hard if u can retrieve any of this information. There are ways u can log into ur home computer from ur current location in india if u had left the machine on.
I know u dont want to do or think about this at this stage. But the problem is by the time u are in a state when u can do it.... its almost always too late to retrieve that kind of information.

 

OP, all these days you had the plan to go to India to keep you on track...now that you are home, there is a lull. This interval will be difficult until you decide how to go about sorting your life. Once you get started you will feel more in control... as daft and inane as this sounds...hang in there.

I have asked around for some contact info in Bangalore..I will pass any lead I get. In the meantime, put your thoughts down on what you can and can't compromise on...if you are going to try for a reconciliation, then try your best to see a counselor...it will benefit both of you to talk to someone who is completely out of the picture. It may help your husband to hear from an outsider how abnormal his behavior is andit may help you firm up your resolve if you do decideto leave him...whatever you do don't give upbcontrol of your documents, jewelry, etc.

 

Dear OP,
This is the time to relax,meet your old friends . You are feeling lost since all your family members have their own life and you are in between situations.Earlier you were trying to reach home and now you have to think about the next step.
Its good that no one from your family is talking to H's family, they deserve this. Lets see what they come up with.
Do you wish to go back to H? Are you willing to put up with abuse all your life?

You have an option of taking a job in India and staying away from H . This will give you time to assess your situation, become independent and your H will hopefully realise your value.
At the end of the day its your life, you are lucky to have parents and family who support you . But a job gives immense confidence apart from money.
Look for jobs, it will help you to stop thinking about H and his family for the time being.

 

Dear Friend,

Give urself and ur family sometime....From what u r sayin, it seems like ur turnin towards pessimism which is not healthy....Try to divert ur mind away from ur H and ur PIL...Look at the positive side of life, consider urself lucky tht God helped u get out of the hell(sorry, no offense meant) and start afresh...

Why dont u engross urself in some activities/hobby which u r interested in and which will make feel happy...Life is a gift so enjoy it...For sometime atleast forget abt everythin else and give urself sometime, time is the best healer....

Remember, nothing and no one is more important than urself...I can understn tht ur family is busy in their own activities and u r feelin left out, but pls do not encourage such thoughts instead u also do something which excites u.makes u happy....like - meet ur friends, go shoppin, engage urself so tht u do not hv time to think abt all the negativity which is buildin in and around u....

And yes have faith in the Almighty, He is there to take care of u and we all are prayin for ur well being....so relax....

Stay positive, stay strong and leave the rest to God....

God Bless and Good Luck...:thumbsup

 

Dear Whatznext,

I really admire your courage and strength in getting away from your husband and back to your parents. Don't dither in your plans. If you have even the slightest of doubts, just go back and read all your own posts and you will know for yourself how "good" or otherwise your husband is. No "good" husband will ever hit his wife, no matter what the provocation. No "good" husband will talk badly about his wife to his family and plot with them to trap her once back home. From all you have said, this man and his family seem to be beyond redemption. Don't ever fall back into their trap and endanger your life again. You have got out of a hell hole. Life will not be easy, I understand, but I don't think it could be worse than what you have already been through.

 

OP check your PM, I sent you info on a couple of contacts...will forward more as they arrive..

 

Dear OP,

This is the calm before the storm. The moment either side takes a step, there will be lot of discussions and accusations. Please collect the chat transcripts. During all these discussions, this would be a key evidence. Else they can deny ever having done it.

During this time, keep your cool. Dont get frustrated with the situation or annoyed with your parents. Remember that your parents have been very supportive of you. There are many cases in this forum itself where parents asked their daughters to grin and bear the abuse of their husbands because they were afraid of the society.

I would suggest you to occupy yourself during this free time. You have been in a stressful environment till now. Sit and analyze with a clear mind, what made you leave your husband in the first place, what your future course of action should be. There will be lots to think and plan.