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Planned to leave how should I handle it all

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by whatznext, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. whatznext

    whatznext New IL'ite

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    For those who remember me, here is a gist of what happend. Got married 2 yrs ago, H left to gulf immediately after wedding, i stayed with inlaws for 4 months and they tortured me in all ways. SIL(unmarried) used to be online with H and updated anything and evertyhing that happens there. I used to wake up by 4.30am along with MIL and cook bfast, lunch, dinner for all, pack boxes and go to work by 8. Night return from office, do all the cleaning, speak to H on phone and sleep by 12 mid night. None of them wanted me to go join my DH as they knw that if i go he had to take separate house and not live in shared apartment, by this his expenses would shoot high and he wd not be able to send them all his money. Which he was doing till marriage adn after also. He sends more than 60% of his salary everymonth. I Went to gulf, few months later got job, husband hit me and hit me many times over money, he wanted entire salary, with such a person i was not ready to give away. After several fights, he stopped bothering me about money. inbetween MIL called mom and threatened of divorce. My health detoriarated thinking about my screwed up life.

    After all this inlwas wanted us to visit India, so that my H makes me preg and leaves me there itself and my H vacate house in gulf. That was the idea given by my H"s younger bro i.e my BIL who is also married and living with inlaws with his wife. So i was saying that i will not come to india now as i dont get leaves... gave some lame excuses... but then h was insiting that i book tickets. i read his chat with his sis and got to knw all these.. he acts good with me at home, but then he plans all at my back.

    All that my MIL FIL SILs BIL want is H's money. He borrows money and sends to india. btw every one in inlaws house including MIL earn and they have enough money for all their needs and luxury. But they take money in the name of investment done in SIL and BILs name, none on H. I am telling this just to say why they torture me. THey are people who can get on to any low level, but dressed up richly with all the gulf money that pours.

    Now i had enough of his torture and now i am going to india but for good. Hvent told anything to H or his family, but once in the airport, i will go to my parents who come to pick me. I got last very few days herer in gulf. I want to get separated once for all.

    What are the things i have to make sure i have and takecare of when leaving and after I go back to india.

    how to handle my inlaws calls or how my parents family have to deal with all these.

    I feel so blank, so some what, i came with so much hopes to this country and leaving with such hard feelings
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2012
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  2. julietpeach

    julietpeach New IL'ite

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    Hi dear, its really hard to learn abt ur situation. my 2 cents are kepp all ur documents with u and also ur H details also. Never show him that u are vexed and leaving him. meanwhile gather all his details also like his passport no visa, company name etc etc. B cos in case he and his family takes a reverse gear and attacks you you should be in a position to give them a hard kick.But never loose ur patience, and calm nature till u return to india. All the best for u dear.
     
  3. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    After every storm there is a sunny day so be strong, go forward and things will get better when the time is right.
     
  4. DivzIyer

    DivzIyer Senior IL'ite

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    sorry to hear all this but I pray that god gives u all the strenght to handle this.
    Please get ur finances in order. Seperate ur account if it is joint or transfer ur money from it to a seperate account. If possible get a record of that chat he had so that if they try some trick in the court I will have proof. .We had a case in our family where the guys side really became shameless so be prepared and please prepare your parents as well.
     
  5. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs to you dear. You have been through a lot. You need some time away from this situation to clear your head. Dont think of separation yet.

    Some things you MUST do before you leave:
    1. Take a copy of all the chats and email conversations between your husband and in laws. If possible, create a new email id and send everything to that id.
    2. Make sure that you will be able to access your money even from India. Once you reach India and tell your parents about your intentions, you must be prepared to face what ever happens, emotional blackmail, tantrums etc.
    3. Is there any close friend or relative in India who can support you?
    4. Dont let your husband know of your intention to leave. He might turn violent and hit you again.
    5. Take precautions to avoid pregnancy. In such situations, pregnancy is best avoided.
     
    3 people like this.
  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you!
    One cannot spend an entire lifetime like this.
    Go to India like visiting, dont tell H that you are leaving forever. Transfer your funds to your solo account, collect your jewellery , important documents like certificates, degrees ,bank stuff etc.
    If you give a farewell speech things will get nasty and H will definitely force you leave empty handed.Then you will face hundred problems getting even a single paper from H as he will try to give you as much grief as possible.
    Also try to collect proof of your H's income so that you can claim alimony.
    Try to line up job interviews as financial independence is the first step to freedom. One cannot waste time even at parents place as sympathy runs thin with time . Better to stand on your own feet as soon as possible.
    Be smart , no harm in looking after your own interests.
     
  7. blessbabydust

    blessbabydust IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi dear seperation is a huge thing to think but you need some relief from this for some times until things get settled .. try to be positive and try to find financial freedom (thats find a job ) . Dont reveal even to your parents about seperation plan think about their mental status ..... focus on job hunt and other stuff .
    1. Are you pregnant or not ? if not this is not a right time to get pregnant .
    2. how well your husband understand you ? other than the money matter
    3. Can you lead your life after seperations ?
    4. Collect your relevant document before departure ?
    5. Reassure your husband about your return so he will not suspect anything
    6. if you can financial indepedent and ready for seperation why do you need his support and claim alimony ?????
    7. Be smart and be positive things will turn your way
     
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  8. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    I think you've got very good advice from all the Ilites. Be calm and cool. Be casual and normal or else he can smell a rat.

    Best wishes
    Nandita
     
  9. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Wise move at the right time. Wonderful suggestions have been given already. Good luck.
     
  10. whatznext

    whatznext New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for all your replies.. means a lot to me. I am writing in short for all the question. I am not preg and would leave to india with in a week. Have had enough of physical and mental torture so thats the reason I have discussed with my parents also and decided on this. They just want me to come back as my safety is a questionmark if i live with guy any more. They want me back alive, its so worse. He has booked my return ticket, i have not given him any clue of me not returning. I told my parents of what i was going thru, they spoke to him but in vain, he hits me, but then when we call that time to inform parents, he speaks as if nothing had happned and its a casual call. he is a big time actor. So i wanted my parents know than getting all this as suprise in a later date.

    I have not thought of alimony and all those, though i feel that i have to make his life miserable, my near ones say that i would be wasting my peace and time on that and its not worth it...

    Orion - i have my family who are there for me, sis, bro and all.
    2. how well your husband understand you ? other than the money matter - my husb always had two faces, with his family he used to blame me left right and update even a drop of pin, he wd act as if he was good to me. He used hate taking me to the doc when sick, due to the hot weather, i used to fall sick he hated that. A to z work i used to do all the time at home and also go to work. with absolute no help from him but wanted everything on time and he hates if i do work fast and sit for relaxing, he feels women should always be working doing house hold work like his mom is. More of a Psyco behaviour.

    I dont know how i will lead my life after separation... i will just face as it comes... but i know i cant lead my entire life with him like this orion
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2012

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