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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by riya123, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    hello,
    I wanted your perspective on the issues going on in my life. Things have been pretty smooth for me in the past year. I have been pursuing my graduate studies. I have been married and have a pre -K going son. H has sponsored my education and am really thankful to H for doing so. Dont know all of a sudden my H told me yesterday that we are simply dragging our marriage and that we should end it. Though H speaks as though he is a supportive husband, he is arrogant at times. Also i feel there is very little honesty in our relation.
    Initially in our marriage, I have faced terrible times, which keep on hounding me even today. As in my in-laws virtually kept me under house arrest, didn't give me food, made me slog like a servant. When I tried to tell my husband, he kept silent. This made me feel that my H consented with the way my in-laws treated me. My SIL also showed lot of rivalry, ridiculed me. She used to completely take over my husband, like eat in one plate with him, walk hand in hand with him, sleep with him on sofa. My H gave explanation that is how close bro-sis relation they have since they were born.
    After 1 year of my marriage, they built a new house, where my MIL and I had a spat. Obviously my H chose to desert me with my 3 month old son. I was in a very helpless state as I had given up my job then for H and DS. I was a new mom, lots of health issues, took a new job and some how survived the period. He and ILs didn't even care to ask if i was alive or dead. Since there was lot of pressure from my parents side to patch up with him, we finally patched up after 1.5 years. Still he used to tell we were better off being separated. Somehow sub consciously I agreed with him though outwardly I kept quiet.
    Recently my SIL got married. My in-laws as expected, didn't bother to tell me. Through other sources i got to know that her wedding was fixed. When I asked my husband, he kept giving evasive answers like - How does it matter to you, may be yes, may be no. I felt he was keeping it a secret from me so that everything goes well with her marriage. my co-sis told me, my husband was the first one to know of his sisters love affair. Before my marriage, i was very thin, so my husband had ridiculed me that I was thin to impress other guys, now that I am engaged I can put on weight. So as a backlash, I ridiculed him saying his sister is way ahead as she already had a love affair. He felt as if I assassinated his sister's character. I just returned the favor of what he and his sister had done to me before.
    Also, I could not attend her wedding because my final exams were going on. So my H and DS alone went to her wedding. This has annoyed everyone, so to annoy me further, my H said the marriage went on well since I didn't attend.

    Also I told H to eat in one plate with his sister in front of her husband. He didnt do so. So I felt he had exploited my vulnerable position in his house. When I was newly wed, they used to eat in one plate but why not in front of SIL's husband now?

    The good side of my marriage is, he sponsored my education, gives me a decent living in US, spends on my stuff ,say for books, clothes, outings.

    People, what do you think, Am I over expecting or is there honesty lacking in our relation. Are lies and deception dominant in our relation. Why is he speaking of separation, time and again?
     
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  2. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi riya,
    I feel that u can just ignore.. as some men have such bad habit of telling to separate. Now that your SIL has left you guys things will surely settle for good..have patience and keep ignoring..dont pick up any fights with him like talking about your SIL affairs etc..concentrate on your relationship with your hubby.
     
  3. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    how is your intimacy with your h?ya he provided you education,good living -that is fine but how about you as husband and wife?i think there is something missing there and thats the reason h suggested about divorce.if you want to continue in this marriage then you need to work towards that missing stuff.
     
  4. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    How long have you been married? How much longer do you have to study? I see a things have been really unpleasant all along. It is not easy for any of you to bring the marriage to a normal state. I don't know how serious your DH is when he says it will be better if you separate. My guess is he is just tired of accusations and nagging. My first question to you is do you think there was anything wrong with your behavior? Think honestly. You are not answerable to anyone but yourself. Don't say anything, just acknowledge to yourself. Give your DH the benefit of doubt and stop questioning him about his sister even if you are annoyed by his double standards.
    If you really want your marriage to be normal, have a serious talk with your DH. If you are willing to let go the problems with SIL and the others, tell him so. Wait for his reaction. Let's see what he says. If he acknowledges that his mistakes(which I doubt), you both can work on your marriage together and live happily. He might try to negotiate, you can think how much you want to compromise and consider his negotiations. If not, there are other options.
    About honesty and love- I really wonder how important people think honesty is in a relationship. Many women I know don't believe any such thing exists. If separation is a big no no for you, then I would say learn to live with the person that your DH is. Concentrate more on your career, child, friends, yourself, your hobbies. Dh is not everything in life. Lucky are people who find soul mates in their spouse, but not many do. For many many of us marriage is just a compromise that we live with.
     
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  5. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Riya,
    Some men take the words which you have said underline it, highlight it and make a issue out of it. That is what your H has done as for comments regarding his sister. When he has commented on you, you can either ignore or comment back on him.Why did you unnecessarily drag his family in the first point?Also if you keep on commenting to him about what he did in the past, it won't solve any problems at present.

    It's really horrible times you have faced with your in laws. And your SIl's act of eating in same plate are kiddish. So does your husband's. he could have also raised his voice against it right.

    What really happened at the moment? Is that you didn't attend the marriage, your husband attended , came back & wanted to end the relationship. Was he waiting for his sister marriage to end? You said things were smooth at the moment right. Then why is he saying about seperation at the moment. Does he tells seriously and want to just threaten you?
     
  6. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    The thing is i have tried working but it is like beating a dead snake. Intimacy, there is very little and I dislike it every time as I wont be on the same page with him. I feel like I am an object in the bedroom. As in, he can get intimate with me and the next moment ridicule me for being fat. I am not really fat just have some baby pouch after my son's delivery. how can I enjoy intimacy with him when being ridiculed about my appearance. He spends hours in the gym, but i have hell lot of work, managing an adhd child, his school, my studies, cooking, cleaning.


    I didnt attend her wedding, as I had my finals that time. Apparently my studies have created a bigger rift. He thinks i am pursuing my studies to prepare for separation. I have never been feeling financially secure with him. He transfers all his money and earnings to his parents. He spends only on essential things for me, like clothing, books, commuting. He agreed to spend on my education on terms that i would return it to him, once i find a job.
    After all his unfairness of letting his folks live in the house he constructed and spending lavishly on them, I finally thought i need to stand on my own feet and stop thinking his money is my money. All my negotiations, questioning him was going no where.
    Also, the visa regulations here, pursuing my graduate studies gave me a new lease of life and I am really seeing light at end of tunnel. I am feeling I will no longer be financially dependent on him.
    I was sick of being financially dependent on him and he, his family taking advantage of my vulnerable position. I have given up my job twice to accomodate his career and his family's needs. No one recognizes this. They all take me for granted. But now that i have learnt my lessons, I want to be independent and the emotional games are of no avail to them now.

    I have actually sucked up a lot from them, that now i have started to give it back to them. Why cant he treat me with respect. He ridicules me, puts me down and damn me. When i do that to him or his sister, it is all taken so seriously that he wants to divorce me?.
     
  7. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    That's great you see a light somewhere. Only way to tackle these type of persons is be financially & emotionally independent of them. Concentrate on building your career & continue it irrespective of problem you may face. And yes, if you want some peace of mind, ignore his & family's words and move on. These kind of people know, what will make you provoked & they will keep on repeating that.
     
  8. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    I have a few suggestions -

    1. Do yourself a favor - stop comparing yourself with his other family members. A wife is like noone else in the family and is therefore treated differently - understand that. I find it quite annoying when my wife compares how I treat others with how I treat her. I want her to believe that no one else should know me better than her. If I treat someone well, doesnt mean I like him/her. If I sometimes treat her badly, it doesnt mean I hate her.

    2. Lose the ego and lose this focus on MY and HIS - Your studies, Your independence, Your Job, His career, His family, His family needs. You really dont have a marriage in place, if you are still thinking like that.

    3. Own your marriage - It is your marriage, you have to work to make it successful. Starting to 'give it back' is the start of the end of a marriage, in my view.

    All the above apply to your DH as well. You have to lead the marriage to a better position, so quit quibbling like toddlers !
     
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  9. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    have a talk with him

    1.tell him physical appearance is not everything.ask him to take care of child for few days a week so you could hit the gym
    2.tell him your studies and career are for both of your better future and nothing else
    3.tell him that you forgave his family

    i guess its a small communication gap which you could rectify.
     
  10. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    You make a lot of sense to me. Just to show in front of other people. they behave supportive, but when it comes to decimating your confidence, they do their best. Probably he is seeing me empowering myself that's something not so desirable for his family members.

    After reading through your suggestion, I realize i dont need any of them. I have enough conservative men in my life that i dont wish to deal with more on an online forum!!. You seem to be from the 15th century, where men thought they were entitled to double standards. Please get that immaturity out of yourself

    please do ME a favor and stay off this thread. I dont need more men from 15th century to deal with. You just demonstrated that you neither understand my issue nor do any of your suggestions make sense. All of your suggestions, are a perfect recipe for disaster. You CANNOT take your wife for granted and think it is OK to treat her badly. Moreover it depends on the dynamics of your relation with her. You First stop comparing your marital life with mine, it bears no relevance to mine.

    This is exactly what I had done 3 years ago, putting myself in a vulnerable position. Thinking that husband and wife are one entity I had put many of my desires on the back burner. End of it, I was financially and emotionally dependent on him. He gave me two choices 1. To live like a servant in his house, tolerating verbal abuse from his siblings and parents 2. Walk out of the house with my LO and he gave no kind of monetary support.
    Your suggestion is just another recipe for disaster!!

    '
    Your thinking is like toddlers, where all what your write here is easier said than done. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes one to break it!!.

    Thanks.. for him just appearance matters. That is why i dont connect with him on any level.
     

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