Physical Intimacy With Spouse

Anusha2917 · Sep 7, 2019

I'm posting this after so much hesitation and people who want to judge /pass sarcastic comments / Jokes please skip replying.

The problem I'm facing is I'm somehow losing interest in having a physical intimacy with my husband.
Been married for 7+ years now.

Infertility is something which is haunting us. So $** is a mandatory mundane affair which is going on for the past 5 years with a sole intention to conceive . The first two years of marriage was super fun but we never wanted a child then because of our job priorities. Kindly don't advice now saying we should have gone for a child immeditely after marriage because it's something we didn't do and can't go back to past now.

I cannot skip having a physical relationship any month because we have a glimmer of hope that this month will be that month where I'll conceive. Following are a few negativity crossing my mind

1) I have gone to a mindset that this chore which we are doing every month is not helping us anyway. (because I have seen failure not once nor twice but nearly 60 times month after month. 5 years amounts to 60 months)
2) Multiple treatments have failed so I'm not sure when next I'll make up my mind to go for it again.
3) irritated with the efforts we put every month on the fertile days to see no result.

Also note :
1) I have a very good relationship with my husband. We never argue, fight and have very good understanding in all matters.
2) I lead a healthy lifestyle with mild exercise(walking) , having healthy food.
3) Keep myself happy and positive visiting my parents and sister who are close-by . Make a point to visit my friends often and enjoy some time with them and concentrate on few of my hobbies like learning a musical instrument and dance class.
4) No conflict with in laws either.
5) not that I don't love my husband or he's not attractive. He's very much fit and day after day the love increases. Just that I'm having a mental block in having this physical intimacy with him.

Now my questions are
1) How to bring back the spark in the physical intimacy which I seem to have lost for the past couple of years ?
2) don't want $** to be chore and want to enjoy doing it.
3) I have kind of accepted this childlessness . But my husband doesn't want to give up and puts a lot of efforts to keep the spark alive . And I feel guilty that I'm not putting that kind of efforts. How not to feel guilty?

Kindly understand that this is a genuine problem I'm facing and a very personal one .Unable to share it with closed ones. Hence choosing this forum.

Any inputs would be appreciated and will any sort of counselling help me?

shravs3 · Sep 7, 2019

Hi @Anusha2917 I have heard tat no matter how the relationship is at one point marriage does gets boring.

Unless and until both the partners makes an equal effort( physical, emotional) it is difficult to maintain the spark.

Here are some points which may help you

1. Recall your pre wedding days.
How eagerly you would wait to talk to him or meet him.
Sometimes when I feel tat it gets boring I recall those days and blush

2. Do things which makes your spouse
feel tat you love and care him.

3. Visit tat dream location which you both wanted to go from long time or visit your favourite spot.

4. Send some romantic messages while he is at work or away from you.

5. Since you had mentioned tat you stay with in-laws I’m not sure if it’s affecting your privacy. So find some time for both of you. It could be even a refreshing morning walk or relaxing evening walk after a busy day.

6. You mentioned tat there are no misunderstandings or fights, tat itself is a boon! Not every couple behave like this

7. Surprise him often. Gift something which he would like. It could be even a simple hand made card or flowers.

8. Finally don’t lose hope. Everything happens for a reason and whatever has to come arrives at a perfect time. Stay positive and strong

shravs3 · Sep 7, 2019

Couple's Therapists Explain 11 Ways To Keep The Spark Alive In A Long-Term Relationship

ashneys · Sep 7, 2019

I understand your problem, because I have seen some of my friends go through the exact same thing. So lemme break into what actually helped them.

- the main problem :
intimacy has become a chore
n the challenge, disappointment n exhaustion in trying for a child

- stop trying for a child - I have heard n seen proof that the moment you stop, it happens automatically, it’s something to do with body chemicals
... this means you get intimate out of love not for a baby - this makes a huge difference

- if you are vocal, say sweet things, or Whatsapp him
Like hey hottie, Or call during office hours just to say I love you, send romantic or cheesy msgs
Playing with his hands, pulling his shirt, caressing his hair
Initially this maybe difficult if you haven’t done before or due to the mental block but it helps in the long run. These are lil lil things, not sexual but more romantic which builds the happy harmones n makes the intimacy exciting n relationship stronger
Go for dates, talk sweet nothings, long drives - just focus on the romantic part of this relationship

- surrogacy is an option for a 100% biological child

Anusha2917 · Sep 7, 2019

Thank you for the pointers shravs and ashneys. Some things I'm missing out are in your pointers and I should try and adopt them.

Great article shravs and thank you for sharing .

meVaidehi · Sep 7, 2019

I can totally understand what you are going through reading your post. Also conception issues or not, there are ups and downs in drives it's very natural. Plus as it comes out from your post, in your case the conception objective has totally taken over the fun part of intimacy. I would say try giving both a break for a month or two. No sex no attempt at conception. Just enjoy each other's company. Go for a weekend getaway somewhere in nature. Talk, eat, roam around like a dating couple. If sex happens, it's great if not just have fun. And I have personal experience when you are actively trying, it could be the stress or hormones ir whatever, you don't get pregnant. We took a break after 1.5 years of trying and got pregnant the same month naturally. We were just having fun. I was also doing moderator daily workout to reduce the weight I had put on eating dry fruits, milk, multivitamins etc for conceiving. It happens when you let it go. You love each other so just do that fall in love head over heels again. Pretend you are meeting each other newly, try some games to add some zing. Go to mom dad's a few days so you miss each other.

PurpleRoses · Sep 7, 2019

Sex is different from making love.
Don't have sex to make babies.
Make love with your spouse and the result you will get as a baby.
Forget about fertile and unfertile days.

Enjoy the intimacy by smelling good, wearing nice lingerie.
If money and time is not a constraint, go for weekend getaways to nearby places and stay in resorts and be passionate.

Wanting a child is natural but don't be obsessed with it. Stress is a major factor in not being able to conceive.

You are lucky that your dh makes efforts to keep spark alive n doesnt fight with u.
You need to just reciprocate his love.

Needtobestrong · Sep 7, 2019

This is a genuine issue and no sensible person will judge or pass sarcastic remarks or jokes on you...actually after many years together couples do lose interest in physical stuff as initial spark goes down and they just get too comfortable in each other's company...even if there is no conflict this happens..
Happens with couples who have kids and couples who don't have kids also..
I also feel that emotional and hormonal changes and age factor play a role in reducing *** drive,... If you've completed seven plus years of marriage u may be in early thirties for sure..so the excitement and physical and emotional condition is different from early twenties..of course I'm not saying you're old...I'm saying women are a lot more affected by emotional and hormonal changes and it affects them in different ways ...like tension of TTC, change in cycles and side effects due to any medications or treatments taken , past bad remarks made by society on you which made you feel bad etc..
You need to relax your mind and others have given good suggestions so I didn't repeat them.

virtualkv2020 · Sep 7, 2019

Every advice has already been beautifully penned down here. So can only think of these...

1.Try dressing up like you did in your college days, try a new hair style. Dress to please yourself and him too.This will bring back your confidence and keep you stress free.Men are visual creatures and would love to see their spouse flaunting their beauty.

2.Have a heart to heart conversation, pillow talk before going to bed does wonders, it helps connect you both emotionally.

3. Try enrolling in salsa dancing.This is a great opportunity for a couple to have fun and bond, this really works!

4. Arrange a candle light dinner at home, make yourself feel young and eventually the spark will return.

Good luck and take care

virtualkv2020 · Sep 7, 2019

One more...apart from going out for movies, resorts, sightseeing etc cooking a special meal together like once a week or so helps with the bonding. Also, if you both are into fitness working out together is fun too.