1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Physical Intimacy Issues- good marriage counselor/therapist ?

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by praks, Sep 29, 2010.

  1. praks

    praks New IL'ite

    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    We have been married for 3 years and are having physical intimacy issues since a long time. Its kind of like a sexless marriage although there is loads of love/kisses/hugs/physical touch but no sex. There is absolutely no other problem except this one. We love spending time with each other, going out and share almost same likes and dislikes. Please advise whom should we go to - a doctor, psychologist, marriage counselor/therapist or sexologist. Also if anyone has any recommendations for anybody in Bay area. Thank you in advance.
     
    Loading...

  2. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,315
    Likes Received:
    186
    Trophy Points:
    160
    Gender:
    Female
    You need to visit a sexologist and attend to it medically. He / she will refer you to a counselor / therapist iff necessary.

    Please google the same online OR check with your insurance for Doctors.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2010
  3. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    1,053
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Male
    I am shocked to see your comments, "there is absolutely no other problem except this one". Your marriage has not been consummated even once. Successful sexual intercourse did not take place even once, in these three years. It is a totally abnormal situation. And, you say, "there is absolutely no other problem..........". Well, you can take a totally negative situation in such a positive way. That way, you way of looking at it, is fine.

    No amount discussion in this website, or any other website will solve your problem. External intervention by a Professional Councellor is certainly needed, without which, the problem can not be solved.

    I am again shocked, it took three years, for you, to think " a councellor may be necessary". Better late than never. Go ahead and find a councellor.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. praks

    praks New IL'ite

    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks a lot for replying indianguy2010 and Drpreethis. Its actually my mistake I did not put the facts correctly.

    We have been married for 3 years. We did consummate the marriage and everything was perfect in the bedroom for the first 6-9 months. Call it initial excitement or physical attraction. But after that it was all downhill. The thing is my husband loves me a lot and keeps kissing, hugging and all sorts of affectionate stuff but when it comes down to sex, he says he does not feel like doing that with me. Its a mental block or may be he is too tired at night.

    Both of us work full time and by the time we reach home late at night its just TV and laptop. We are always on each other on the couch and lots and lots of physical touch, embrace, hugs and everything else, may be that is one reason that he gets satisfied with it and does not initiate sex.

    Another thing I would like to mention is that both of us are perfectly fit and decent looking yet the physical spark is missing, it just does not reach the pinnacle and my husband is completely responsible for that because I have tried to initiate a number of times, he will just hug and shower thousand kisses on me just so that I don't pressurize him.

    He compliments me often and love it when I am all dressed up looking pretty and all but still will not do that. I am completely sure that there is no other problem with him as there is 200% trust nor is he into **** or anything. We have often discussed and his only response is that he loves me a lot but just cannot see me in that way, may be he has put me in a high pedestal or something.

    I am like an ideal lady for him. I am totally confused with this situation, PLEASE HELP.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2010
  5. aparnaram

    aparnaram Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    535
    Likes Received:
    111
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    its quite surprise for me.... how r u managing for 3 yrs man!!?? stunning.... u both shud go for a medical conselor.. this is not a small thing to leave it... wat were u doing all this 3 yrs.. did u attempt for any conselor b4? are u giong for oral sex or any foreplay?????????

    i'll suggest u 2 seduce him a lot ...its the best way 2 enjoy i.e like wearing sexy dress (like heroins) in nights.... plan for some romantic trip... try 2 disturb him a lot...
     
    Divyatherapist likes this.
  6. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    76
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Very sad for ur situation,my close friend had a similar problem,initially she went to sexologist and got examined physically,as they was no problem physically she was then referred to Sex therapist by her GP for further treatment.My friend's problem was resolved before she met therapist.

    Good luck
     
  7. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,610
    Likes Received:
    1,440
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I don't get one thing...your husband loves you,but can't see you in that way...???what does that mean?could it be he has had an affair and maybe sex previously and so does not enjoy sex now?

    Or maybe he had some expectations and he has not able to match unto them....or could it be he is just not interested/lazy???
     
  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,339
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    If you are both working full time lets just say you are tired on weekdays. How about the weekends? I am sure you get to relax right? Did you try to initiating at that time?
     
  9. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    1,053
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Male
    So, now you say, you had normal penetrative sex with your man, for the first six months. What was the frequency of it , in that six months ? Once a day, twice a week, thrice a week. Recollect and tell it.

    Now, your man is not initiating it for about three yours continuously. It is totally abnormal. Certainly, this situation warrants intervention by a trained Councellor. Nothing less, nothing more will work. What is preventing your man from initiating sex with you, you do not know, nor do we.

    He may probably share it with the Councellor.
     
  10. praks

    praks New IL'ite

    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks a lot for your replies and time. Its a wonderful forum.
    I am surprised at myself because I did not think its a big deal but now after reading all the topics here and seeing everyone's feedback I realize its a very serious issue.

    I thought since there is so much affection and physical touch like we always kiss and hug first thing in the morninga fter getting up, good bye kiss and when we meet in the evening we have a long hug. So I waS under the impression that this is what love is not realizing that we are missing on something. He does not miss sex at all, I am sure of that because many times I am the one who says its been 3-4 weeks now we should do it and he will ask me are you missing it and then I just say no its ok, leave it and back to hugs.

    Answering indianguy2010 question - it was twice a week for the first 6-9 months. Ours was an arranged marriage and my husband always says may be that is the reason that physical attraction is not there as we did not date and had zero courtship because he was in US and I was in India.

    I did not realize this situation because these 3 yrs we were busy going for vacations, enjoying with friends, going out for dinner, movies, parties, clubbing and everything. May be my definition of marriage was wrong and now I think I could have done all this with a friend, nothing extra for a husband here.

    Another thing I would mention here is I am 500% sure about him because we have common accounts, phones, I can track him down completely so the question of affair or anything like that is ruled out. May be his desires are less and in this case I am the one with a higher desire level.

    We don't fight or no arguments except for this topic and household chores once in a while. I asked a couple of my friends and they all told me that even they do once a month or something so I thought its normal but now i know its highly abnormal and I am stuck.

    Is Divorce an option but I love him and does divorcing for lack of sex make sense at all? I did mention this to him and may be he got scared that I am thinking of separating so after 3 yrs he is ready to see a counselor. But please advise whom should we go to. I think his desire level is very low but he still does not want to go to a doctor. He says Marriage counselor is right.

    Thanks again everyone...please help me out. My problem is I am very optimistic and I always focus on the brighter things and so neglected it all this while thinking that everything else is so perfect.

    Although I missed intimacy but ignored it and now I think since I have got only 1 life why should I compromise with myself. Another thing is I am still young 25 yrs old. But then I do not want to be selfish, leaving him for this reason alone will be very selfish on my part.

    But if he loved me he would have tried to change himself in these 2 yrs but he also took it for granted so now that makes me question his love for me. He always says that he misses the passion in life but is very lucky to get me and will never find anyone better so has accepted this reality that there is no passion in our life.

    and cutesmile09 can you please tell me what did your close friend do to solve this problem. Thanks
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2010

Share This Page