Permanent Damage!

Meghaa · Mar 14, 2017

Its always a dance between drawing the lines and accomodating. It seems like you have done more than your part. Do not apologise further for something you are not really sorry for.
It takes 2 to tango - if he wants a room mate relationship , you cant really make it a marriage all on your own. If he is just trying to get you to act as he pleases - its going to frustrate and affect your confidence. Donot blame yourself either way.
Dont go out of your way to please him , just do the things you want to do for kids /household. If he is just shouting walk away. Make it known - in a firm and calm manner - that you are open to discussion but not being yelled at.
Hugs and good luck!

Tryinghard2013 · Mar 14, 2017

Thanks to all the wonderful ladies that have given such solid advice and suggestions. Thanks for taking the time off from your busy schedules to consider the problems I am facing in my life.
I am truly abiding by all your suggestions as you all have affirmed my stance towards this marriage. Also you have given me the confidence and courage to pursue my life unhindered and to focus on my life as I have worked towards my part in this marriage and now he needs to do this. I have been extra sweet, caring and thoughtful towards him after our huge fight to soothe things out and to convey to him that I am trying and working hard to be in his life. Now it's up to him to do his side. In any ways, it's time to feel complete within me to take that extra time to spend on and with myself!

bruised234 · Mar 24, 2017

Meghaa said: ↑

I cant even.....
OP - please please know that this IS NOT something you need to consider.
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I said that because it seems to me that men generally don't abstain unless there is something physically unattractive about the whole thing, either because they have some defect or they don't find the woman good enough for their tastes. It seems like the mental part of it does not make any difference to them unlike women. For us it is about investing energies in them, doing something special for them, putting up with their indifference, with their bad language, abuse what not. For them it does not matter what the woman does, she has to look attractive and appealing at the end of the day, it is okay for her to show some bitchiness as long as it can be justified with good looks and money, manipulation with confidence.

Tryinghard2013 · Mar 25, 2017

bruised234 said: ↑

I said that because it seems to me that men generally don't abstain unless there is something physically unattractive about the whole thing, either because they have some defect or they don't find the woman good enough for their tastes. It seems like the mental part of it does not make any difference to them unlike women. For us it is about investing energies in them, doing something special for them, putting up with their indifference, with their bad language, abuse what not. For them it does not matter what the woman does, she has to look attractive and appealing at the end of the day, it is okay for her to show some bitchiness as long as it can be justified with good looks and money, manipulation with confidence.
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I totally get your point and did not take offense to your view regarding the lack of intimacy in our marriage. For him it comes in phases. Sometimes in the past he wanted it a lot, sometimes he clearly doesn't need it. Since we had the fight, he has continued to keep a distance from me. Trust me, I am not overweight, I work out and look better than average. Not sleeping in the same bedroom is also the culprit as we tend to do that since kids are toddlers and need me from time to time and I end up sleeping in a separate bedroom. With all this, he can clearly ask me to share the bedroom at times but he never does. I don't know what to say....

bruised234 · Mar 25, 2017

Tryinghard2013 said: ↑

I totally get your point and did not take offense to your view regarding the lack of intimacy in our marriage. For him it comes in phases. Sometimes in the past he wanted it a lot, sometimes he clearly doesn't need it. Since we had the fight, he has continued to keep a distance from me. Trust me, I am not overweight, I work out and look better than average. Not sleeping in the same bedroom is also the culprit as we tend to do that since kids are toddlers and need me from time to time and I end up sleeping in a separate bedroom. With all this, he can clearly ask me to share the bedroom at times but he never does. I don't know what to say....
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I think he is just trying to make you pander to his rules, don't bend, let it go, there isn't much you can do if he wants to prolong the fight. Try to do something to fight the depression caused due to all this.

silentlistener · Mar 25, 2017

bruised234 said: ↑

I said that because it seems to me that men generally don't abstain unless there is something physically unattractive about the whole thing, either because they have some defect or they don't find the woman good enough for their tastes. It seems like the mental part of it does not make any difference to them unlike women. For us it is about investing energies in them, doing something special for them, putting up with their indifference, with their bad language, abuse what not. For them it does not matter what the woman does, she has to look attractive and appealing at the end of the day, it is okay for her to show some bitchiness as long as it can be justified with good looks and money, manipulation with confidence.
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I differ. A Hostility filled relationship and a hostile wife is a turn off (from intimacy point of you) to men too.(even if the Wife is very much attractive and beautiful)

bruised234 · Mar 26, 2017

silentlistener said: ↑

I differ. A Hostility filled relationship and a hostile wife is a turn off (from intimacy point of you) to men too.(even if the Wife is very much attractive and beautiful)
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nm

Tryinghard2013 · Mar 26, 2017

bruised234 said: ↑

nm
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I am not being hostile or indifferent. I am being affectionate, caring and humble. He still maintains his distance.Makes me think he really meant what he said that he is in this for his kids and that we should just live like room mates

silentlistener · Mar 27, 2017

Tryinghard2013 said: ↑

I am not being hostile or indifferent. I am being affectionate, caring and humble. He still maintains his distance.Makes me think he really meant what he said that he is in this for his kids and that we should just live like room mates
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The reality to you is, you are affectionate and caring and you do not want to be hostile. But the reality as he perceives is that you are hostile to him. That is the unfortunate situation. Talk to him and find out whether I guess is right or not.

bruised234 · Mar 27, 2017

silentlistener said: ↑

The reality to you is, you are affectionate and caring and you do not want to be hostile. But the reality as he perceives is that you are hostile to him. That is the unfortunate situation. Talk to him and find out whether I guess is right or not.
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He is not perceiving her to be hostile. He has some issues best known to him and she is paying for that. Op, these situations happen in life some times, I did something very very stupid when compared to what you did 2 years back and I see the situation slowly deteriorating, I spoke to someone and they said be calm, don't show your emotions on face, truth is I felt attacked from all sides and the stress was showing on my face, but then I thought about it and decided to at least look calm. In these kind of situations just think what you should do for future and keep doing your business, slowly things will around hopefully. If he doesn't come around you need to be stronger to face the future, so keep yourselves as you are, try to get stronger or else he will continue with his odd behavior and also you will get weaker. Don't give up and just concentrate yourself for now.