peculiar situation

If your SIL wants a grand wedding then she shud spend, whatever contribution ur hubby n ur ILs can do let them do, make it really clear to her, after all one can spend only according to onez capacity right and marriage is not just a function , ur SIL, u n ur hubby n ur ILs do have a life to live after the Grand function

 

I think all around you are v v smart and you're ONLY one worrying about how to manage expenses.
Kids take certain traits from their parents... your SIL maynot be the only miser in the family or even if she wanted to do for home.. she must have been told to not to spoil the age old ways of ONLY son and his wife spending.

If you try to make any effort to ask her to contribute (if its not already coming from her side) or suggest others on how to spend.. you shall become the Ill Willed person for all.... you might be doing it for everyone's benefit, but it will be overlooked.

Possibly all of you will have to sit together.. discuss on the budgets possible for all and then take a call who'll have to pick up the loan (if at all needed). Whatever a person wants or desires comes from the assurance that it shall be fulfilled by ppl around them... no matter how unrealistic it may sound to you.

 

Shilpama, golden post that!

bukbuk, just curious-are you/parents celebrities? I was like :spin at 3000 guests.

OP, what is your DH's take on this? Does he blindly listen to whatever his parents and sister say or does he think rationally? I think that if you say anything about this directly, it will backfire on you even if you mean well. Agreed, you are the DIL and ought to have a say but unless you have a track record of being bold and outspoken with in-laws, it will make you look like the bad guy. Your SIL seems to have a sense of entitlement about the whole thing. Really, if she wants a lavish wedding she better pay for it.

You can probably discuss with your H about the finances you can spare for the wedding and let him do the talking. You cannot really control what PILs decide to do/not do for SIL. If they want to mortgage something or take a loan for the wedding, nothing can be done about that as long as it does not affect you and your immediate family (like having to repay that loan).

 

First you and your in laws sit and decide how much you can contribute for her wedding. Then approach a wedding planner or similar organization and ask them for 2 estimates. One for a simple ceremony with your budget and one the extravagant one and how much it costs.

Now take these both to your SIL and give them both to her. Tell her, these are the arrangements we can afford. If you want a grand wedding, then this is the amount you will have to contribute. If she is ok to contribute, go for the extravagant one as she and her in laws are the ones who want it. If she doesnt want to contribute and is ok to settle for a simple one, then she has to convince her in laws for the same.

Dont worry about how and whether she will be able to convince them. She is not a small child. As you mentioned she is a gazetted officer and 10+ yrs exp. She would know by now how the world works.

 

I have the same thing to say as others. First of all you and your husband should sit down and talk about it. Decide a fix amount and then talk to your inlaws that this is what you can contribute. Now if your inlaws and sils ask more then be firm and stand your ground. This is what you can do.

But then from my personal experience I can say that it is easy to advice someone to sit down and talk, but in practically when we try to apply it, I know how hard it is to discuss a matter and make an understanding, mature and healthy communication possible. Most of the problem creates due to lack of proper communication. Healthy communication is only possible when the person involved are mature, sensible and ready to understand the matter. Lets say here everyone will advice you to sit down and talk to your husband first, but is your husband ready to sit down with you and talk and decide on this matter. He may be or may be not. Many times the man in a family get so stuck down between wife and family that they are often not willing to communicate and come to solutions and they often take it as it come. And this becomes a very hard situation. First, it is your husband who should deal with his sister. He should be the one who should be willing to talk to you and understand your pov, put your pov first and agree to it and act upon it. You anyhow has to make your husband sit down and try to make him understand, tell him that it is your duty as a brother to support your sister marriage, but since we have our own life, kids and future to take care of, whatever we should do in limit and if your sister wants more, then she and pils should contribute. However you have to communicate in an effective manner and very tactfully and he shouldn't get a wrong impression about you. Encourage him to fix the amount you can contribute and talk to your pils about it. And incase if pils and sil create any drama then don't hesitate, but stand your grounds.

 

Oh its a pity you have never seen a wedding with such a huge gathering in your life...:coffee

Commoners do have such weddings. Commoners with large extended families, huge number of relatives, family friends..celebrities these days have a lakh attendees in their weddings. I recently read an ex-cm of UP invited entire villages for his son's wedding.

Regarding OP's question, good luck arranging for a grand wedding for your SIL! Indeed, you must do it as she's after all your family.