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Pathetic married life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by roseC, Jan 10, 2012.

  1. roseC

    roseC New IL'ite

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    After thinking alot, finally writing this thread since I need some serious help from you all.

    Family - mom and younger sister(unmarried), so, can’t share all these problems with them. Dad died 5 yrs back


    Married life - love marriage 4 years back after several problems since it was a inter caste/inter state marriage, have a 10month old boy. In social gatherings, H is the most polite guy one can ever meet


    Professional life - was working in s/w co in india, but now a full time mom in US. H is also in s/w


    Now, my problems with H.

    1. Extremely moody, short tempered and curses like anything when angry. I just get stunned how low he can stoop while saying those words. So, sometimes I just keep quiet for days (don’t talk to him) and sometimes I fight back, both of which irks him.

    2. These days, I lose my temper and fight with him alot. He had to physically abuse me couple of times to stop me (according to him, I instigate him to do so). After those incidents, he was sorry of course.

    3. Hardly helps me in daily chores, except laundry. Hes very busy with his office work, always with his office laptop. After discussing with him, he helps for a day or two, and then stops. Now, I have stopped asking for help. Rarely compliments me regarding food, work, looks or taking care of the baby single handed, but does not waste a second complaining about the same

    4. After having the baby I don’t feel like having sex. So, he prefers to sleep in the other bedroom so that he can watch **** every day and masturbate once or twice (at night before sleeping and morning after waking up). Even when he sleeps with me (in rare occasions), he masturbates in the mornings since I don’t at all like to have sex in morning. This disturbs me so much, my husband lying beside me and masturbating. He knows that I don’t like this and have talked to him about it a lot. First two days hes fine and by 3<sup>rd</sup> day he goes back to his old ways.

    5. Checked his ‘recently opened file’ list and saw him seeing my sister’s photos. It happened twice. When I confronted him, he labeled me as dirty minded woman.

    6. H’s family background is not very good. His mom and dad fight constantly and his dad physically and mentally abuses his mom. So, can understand where he comes from.


    7. When my mom was here for the delivery, he used to angry for small matters and not talk to her often. Although, bought lots of gifts for her and sister. But that does not matter when you are indirectly and sometimes directly ill treating a person. She even cried once when she was hurt the most. I felt so helpless.

    So, after listing all these problems, just wanted to know that is there any light of hope in my married life or it is doomed. I’m ready to do sacrifices so that tomorrow my son does not accuse of not doing enough, but I guess there should a line which should not be crossed.

    I’m in extreme emotional pain since can’t share all these with anyone (we have mostly common friends, who thinks very highly of him)

    Well, lastly want to also list some of his positive traits too, always supportive of my career, which I will restart after going back to India, spends money for my shopping, not a miser,like to invite friends, etc

    Thanks for listening.....
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2012
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  2. lovelyheart17

    lovelyheart17 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi resec

    I read all ur post.Thing i understood is husband can't control his anger.he will loose control over him at that time..apart from that i dont find any big mistake in him.

    Understand that every human being will have emotions to some extent and u said he will be busy with office work all the time he might be stressed because of that.

    As u said his parents fight like anything he might have become moody.The only things u have to do is try to spend lot of time with him.shower lots of love on him and share every thing with him with regard to ur kid.Dont argue with him when he is angry.Very imp dont say anything bad about his family infront of him.try to suport him in all the ways.

    helping in daily chores dont expect this from indian husbands.

    last issue : though iam not much experienced in this regard i dont understand one thing why ur avoiding sex even after 10 months of delivery.Thank ur husband for not forcing you.first analyze ur self wat ur prob is and think from his end.Then sit with ur husband discuss the same with him and resolve this issue.

    i think there is no big issue in ur family life.dont go for drastic decissions .Time will heal every thing .ENJOY your mother hood.
     
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  3. sindura16

    sindura16 Bronze IL'ite

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    who ever fault is here, u can change small things in ur life n deal with it...

    If he gets angry , let him be don't start an argument n start fighting....tell him you r learning to keep quiet bec of the kid...when he grows up , u does not want him to see you people fight in front of him...so tell him i will stay quiet...he will change eventually...

    if u don't want sex that does not mean he has to leave it too...it should not bother u if i=he is trying alternative ways...i know taking care of the baby needs lot of energy, but see ur friends or see any actress, how they try to get back to life's in short span...iam not saying you go to beauty parlors n get back in ur figure n change urself...but try to get ready for ur husband , start with slow hugging n kisses...but completely avoiding n cribbing about it does not solve ur issues...

    helping at home , some typical husband cannot do chores by themselves, u need to train them like a school kid...start with ur kid...ask him to feed him bottle ...changing kids dresses, putting his shoes what not...problem with Indian woman is , as we always think that husbands don't know somethings at all...but u tell him n see, he will do it...don't except him to do dishes n laundry in one day...

    Please don't ignore husband once kid is in picture..they will also feel the lack of pampering you did after marriage before u became pregnant....you may not do everything but try n keep that spark in married life...
     
  4. roseC

    roseC New IL'ite

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    Thanks frens. I guess I need to be less aggressive and try harder to improve this relation. Thanks again
     
  5. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Rose,

    Before I want to answer you.........I want tell you one thing politely and firmly.......Please do not develop the above attitude towards your husband. He is not responsible for his dad's abuses on his mother. Secondly, he himself would have deep sense of hurt about the abusive relationship between his mom and dad. So, at this stage..........please.........for heaven sake, do not invoke his dad and mom into the reasons of why your hubby behaves so.

    Because, if you firmely believe so, unknowingly, one day you will blurt out, "Look your parents are like this, same way you are...! ". Anything of this sort of comment, will take out the worst from any man, my friend.

    I am yet to give my detailed answer to your situation.......Before that I just want to know.........do you want to listen to a male point of view to your situation ? ( I am a male)
     
  6. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    This is ridiculous ........you dont want to have sex with him and you describe his habit as a problem ! May I ask, what is your problem with letting the poor guy be as he is ?

    On top of this , you spy on him and keep checking his 'recently opened files'!!
     
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Rose,

    **
     

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